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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married for 2.5 years and we've not had sex

37 replies

AshfordHP · 13/08/2017 23:13

Hi Ladies,
I'm struggling and need some advice. I've been married for 2.5 years but my husband and i have never had sex. We dated for 2 years and i wanted to wait for marriage before we made love. However, now i look back i can see the warning signs were there even at that stage (he never really had much interest in intimacy and i mistook that for him just keeping his distance to respect my wishes). My husband is a lovely person, and i love him. But i am a virgin nearly 3 years into my marriage. I have tried talking to him, and understand that he is anxious about sex. On the occasions when we have been physical (usually initiated by me) he has trouble maintaining an erection. I have suggested we try some medication but he won't buy any or go to the doctor. I feel like i've missed out, and am feeling resentful, angry and hurt. I don't initiate contact any more and feel lonely and perhaps that somebody else may turn him on more. When we talk about our problem, he suggests if i was happier maybe we'd have sex. I'm 36 and i want a baby. What do i do?

OP posts:

RiseToday · 13/08/2017 23:15

Is he a virgin?

Whataboutus · 13/08/2017 23:16

Does he want a child?

sororitynoise · 13/08/2017 23:16

Is he gay?

AtSea1979 · 13/08/2017 23:16

Get your marriage annulled and find someone who wants you.

Syc4moreTrees · 13/08/2017 23:17

I think you will possibly need to ask him to try some therapy?

cowbag1 · 13/08/2017 23:17

What does he mean "if you are happier?"

coldflange · 13/08/2017 23:18

My first thought was that he may be gay.

Sorry OP

LoyaltyAndLobster · 13/08/2017 23:21

OP I think maybe his ability to maintain an erection could be the problem.

Deadsouls · 13/08/2017 23:21

Well does he want sex also? Or to work on it? You can only work on it if both of you are willing to do so.

pleasingone · 13/08/2017 23:23

Everyone has their needs.. whatever they may be. Anxiety or is he gay?

chips4teaplease · 13/08/2017 23:24

Don't waste any more time. Give him one last chance to get help - this week - and if he doesn't, leave him and find someone else.
Was this an arranged marriage?

SandyY2K · 13/08/2017 23:42

Have you discussed wanting a baby and how not having sex is an issue in achieving that.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/08/2017 23:43

This happened to my aunt, she got the marriage annulled (very different to divorce from a religious point of view) via a medical examination.

Married someone else, had two kids, is now a granny.

user1493630944 · 13/08/2017 23:46

I agree with Atsea. This is not a marriage, you have a housemate. You've given it long enough.

blameitonthebipolar · 13/08/2017 23:47

Hi op- does your husband ever initiate contact? Do you kiss and cuddle?

I find this strange and like others think he may possibly be gay or even asexual.
You cannot continue like this, it's not fair on you at all, please try and talk to him again and ascertain what if any the problem is.

I think if he showed you that he wanted you then it would be a softer blow and you would be patient, understanding etc if there was a medical issue.
For a man also presumably in his thirties, this is in no way normal.

I really feel for you, do not continue with this sham of a marriage if he won't talk about it

JoJoSM2 · 13/08/2017 23:48

Do you actually want sex? It sounds like as a couple you've avoided it for years. You conclude by saying that you want a baby. Well, you can achieve that without sex. You could go for IUI or IVF or even try a DIY IUI (I've heard of those too...)

If you're genuinely interested in creative no intimacy in your relationship and progressing to having a sex life, then it'd be useful to accept that you're half of the problem and seeing psycho-sexual therapy.

JoJoSM2 · 13/08/2017 23:49

*creating intimacy

Ellie56 · 13/08/2017 23:53

Do you think he could be gay Ashford?

What you have is not really a marriage and if your DH will not seek help maybe you need to think about getting an anullment and finding someone else who will have a baby with you.

Graphista · 13/08/2017 23:54

Several possible causes

Anxiety
Gay
Asexual
Victim of childhood sexual abuse.

Whatever it is he has to be honest if he genuinely wants to resolve (excepting if he's gay of course).

You as pp have pointed out also are perfectly within your rights to seek an anulment based on non-consummation and leave him.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 13/08/2017 23:54

are you both religious? Is he perhaps Gay?
I would honestly leave him, Your time is running out if you want children.

gillybeanz · 13/08/2017 23:55

This isn't a marriage, if it hasn't been consummated can't you get an annulment?

He isn't the man for you if he isn't prepared to seek some help.

VestalVirgin · 14/08/2017 00:00

You conclude by saying that you want a baby. Well, you can achieve that without sex. You could go for IUI or IVF or even try a DIY IUI (I've heard of those too...)

He'd have to masturbate for that, though. Since he is the one who doesn't want sex, that might be a problem.

PetalHead · 14/08/2017 00:04

Is he from a culture or family where being gay would cause a lot of upset?

It does sound as if he's just avoiding the issue by blaming your unhappiness. He needs to have an honest conversation with you about his real reasons. And can you talk to him about wanting a baby and how you can achieve that?

Please don't let this drag on without resolution. What you want is reasonable in a marriage and you don't have to stay like this.

Skittlesandbeer · 14/08/2017 00:07

Make the appointment with a marriage counsellor, let him know the time and address. Tell him you'll see him there, and that if he fails to show you'll take it as confirmation that he agrees to end the marriage. Tell him you'll use the session to get help to manage your exit from the relationship, if he's not there. The appointment will go ahead, he has this opportunity only to choose the topic.

Then do the same with a GP appointment, giving him a note to read out with 2-3 bullet points that cover your situation, and what you've tried in bed. Ask for tests to be done.

His denial, stalling, inability to engage with this problem are REAL ACTIONS, with real consequences for you. Every night that passes with this issue unresolved takes a negative toll on your mental health and future happiness. Time to be proactive outside of the bedroom, if he's determined not to be proactive inside it. You've got a lifetime of sexual joy to explore, let him know it's time for him to decide if it's with him or somebody else.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2017 00:28

I think some men with problems look for a 'victim'. Did he know you as a friend and know you wanted to wait? He probably thought he could 'get away' with not doing anything about his problems with you. It's sad for both of you, but I agree that you have to leave if he won't work on his problems.

I'm interested in all those saying he's gay. Is erectile dysfunction usually a sign of being gay/straight and in a relationship with a person of the 'wrong' sex.

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