Can you ever prepare for the death of a parent

[user1474724638]

I'm not sure if I've posted this in the right place. I have learnt so much about relationships from reading the experiences on here.

I am in my 50s and I am a full-time Carer for my mum. It would take too long to document our history but in a nut-shell my parents both had mental health difficulties. They became unhappy people.

I feel that I bore the brunt of this when I was younger and it has caused me a lot of difficulties in life almost to the point that I can't function normally in the world. I haven't achieved anything that other people have, normal life milestones.

Having said the above, I am now at peace with my past and have forgiven my parents as I understand why it happened. I would say I now have quite a good relationship with my mum. She is old now. My dad isn't alive.

I am petrified of my mum dying as I won't have anything else. She has been very ill physically and has been diagnosed with a condition that will worsen with time. I know now that she was actually quite ill for sometime before she was diagnosed and I think all of this, plus still worrying constantly, has taken its toll on me.

I live in fear of her dying to the point of it keeping me awake at night. If she's ok then I'm ok. I know this isn't right and I am trying to find a way to prepare, if you can do such a thing.

I am having counselling. I have contacted a couple of organisations re employment training, as I don't have a career to go back to.

I don't have a lot of savings and I am trying to rectify that so I have some money to fall back on when the time comes. I have also joined the local Carers Centre.

My relationship with my partner broke down, partly because of how much caring I am doing. I do understand his point of view but it became abusive and I couldn't communicate with him. I am now trying to come to terms with that and the fact that the future I thought I had is no more. I'm sure that has had an effect on me.

I think I also feel more vulnerable as I am getting older and I have just been diagnosed with health problems that have knocked me for six.

I don't have any friends. I have long-standing anxiety that I think I manage quite well.

I don't feel I've got any reserves left anymore. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'm aware I sound a bit pathetic.

You don't sound pathetic at all. Knowing a parent doesn't have long to live and nursing them through that is gruelling. The whole thing is awful. There's no sugar coating it I'm afraid. I was terrified of my mum dying. When it happened, it was brutal and shocking. Then you're left with your grief, which is equally as awful but different. The emptiness is terrible too. I can however tell you that you do survive and you do deal with it, gradually and over time.

Thank you for replying to me. I do appreciate your kind words.
I am so sorry you lost your mum.

You sound very grounded. You are being proactive with setting yourself up with a future. The career planning, the therapy are all really good steps and you should be proud of yourself for taking them. Well done you.

For ages you have put your parents need before your own but now you are seeing that you need to take care of yourself.

I haven't lost a parent but I imagine you will have very mixed feelings when it happens given your circumstances. But the way you write and the actions you have taken already tell me there is a life of your own out there for you.

Thank you for replying. I don't feel very grounded to be honest. I keep crying which really isn't like me.

I have a hospital appointment next Tues re my health problems and I'm so worried.

I had some tests in the last month and the hospital sent me the results in a letter two weeks ago, which was a shock to open. I expected them to find something but not as bad as it is. I've had to google what it all means which I don't think is right.

I usually just get on with things but I feel quite overwhelmed. It's a long-standing issue that I have tried to address before if a bit half-heartedly.

I'm cross with myself because I had a hospital appointment approx. eighteen months ago that was postponed and I didn't chase it up. Again, not like me.

I'm trying to think to myself that facing it now is a demonstration that I'm caring for myself. Thanks again.

I think it depends. In your circumstances, where you are the main carer, I would think it is very very difficult. You are doing all the right things but you will find it hard.

Last year my dad died - he had Parkinsons Disease and associated dementia. In my case when I got the call to come over, my first thought was 'oh at last' because the man who was my father had departed a long time ago. It's different for everyone depending on circumstances.

For me, my DP had cancer, but I was still shocked as she seemed very well for a long time. I miss her so much. My life just hasn't been the same since. I lost my best friend that day and frankly I don't feel able to make a new one.

I think you are already preparing yourself. You have recognised the gap that will be created by no longer being your mother's carer, and you have acknowledged and dealt with the affect your parents' MH issues had on you.

I don't think you can ever fully prepare for the loss of a parent (or anyone) but you are doing what you can.

You certainly don't sound pathetic. You sound like you are really taking stock, and being proactive and thinking about what you can do.
You say you are your Mum's carer - obviously I'm not sure how much care she needs and how long / how often you can leave her, but I think it would do the the world of good to carve some time for yourself each week - give yourself an interest, and interact with a different group of people that are not linked with your Mum's care or your medical appointments. It could be anything - a book group, a fellowship group, some dancing, some volunteering, a Church, a knit and natter group - anything that gives you a different circle of people and a different set of walls.

Even if your Mum can't be left, it would be worth looking in to a charity that will sit with someone for a couple of hours to allow you chance to get out.
Or talk to social services or your local Churches to find what day centres there are local to you.
Or (and again, I don't know her condition or the severity of it) but what about going out to a lunch club / Derby and Joan Club with her and get to know some more people.... or a club for folk with a particular condition (Dementia cafe or Stroke club or Parkinsons Group etc.,etc)

Even if your Mum lives for years, it will do you good to expand your 'community' but, if she doesn't, it will be even more important.

Hello

What you are doing is very hard work. It takes all of you, physically, mentally, emotionally. You are amazing for doing it!

I see you are also taking steps to help yourself. That's great. You should think about doing things that build you a network, even if you just take small steps. Do find friends. There are carers support groups that can help you.

There's no one answer: death comes to us all. But you are a good person who deserves some happiness too. Make that happen if you can and it will help you.

Thank you everyone who has replied and for telling me about your loss.

I have been to the Carers Centre but to be honest the people there were a lot older than me. I will try it again though.

My mum can be left overnight at the moment so I come home late evening. I have one day at the weekend to myself.

I find it so hard to switch off, to stop worrying. I'm my own worst enemy really. I can't enjoy anything, it all feels pointless.

I'm waiting for the phone to ring, for something to be wrong. That's what happened when and during the time my mum was diagnosed.

Thanks again.

I hope you get to grips with your health issues, I don't know what it is you have, but keep fingers crossed. You might perhaps find someone here on these boards with the same issue, with whom you could exchange worries and ideas (as pm then and not on the public board).

I lost my parents quite early and it is as you hint, when you don't have a family to belong to it does make you feel a bit free-floating and not so well grounded and can't really be replaced with anything else. (I know this from experience.)

Thanks again for your messages and best wishes for my health. I won't post the details here, bit embarrassing. If I don't have to have an op, even if just for now then that will help.

I lost my relationship partly because of what I do. He wanted to get on with things/life which is fair enough and rightly or wrongly I just can't get up and leave.

I know some people judge me for what I'm doing and can't understand it.

I absolutely understand it. Nothing could have stopped me from looking after my parents. It's not a responsibility that I could have walked away from or even wanted to. You never get this time back, so treat it as precious time but please also try to look after yourself the best you can too.

Bless you. I lost dad two years into a mesothelioma diagnosis. Its hard but you are taking the right steps . This is hard you are human and the best advice i can tell you is talk. Talk like youve never talked before , here or in counselling . Theres an ear and a heart on this site . Keep using it.

I will try thank you. It's lovely to hear that you understand and that you did the same but for both of your parents.

I've bought some new pillows, see if they will help me to sleep better. Worth a try!

I could see the funny side of the following (not the feeling unwell bit). When my mum was in hospital recently, she woke up at 3am feeling ill. The nurse told me she was insisting that they ring me. They didn't of course.

I lost my dm to cancer 5 years ago. I knew it was terminal from diagnosis, pancreatic cancer. She had been ill for a few year's, but kept getting fobbed off with ibs, the New year before she died, I had a premonition, was giving her a hug and it leapt into my head, that this will be the last New Year I would have with her. I noticed she was going jaundice in the June, August she was given the diagnosis. My dad was useless throughout, he even left me to it when we were talking about dnr, I had to sign it. :( I had to keep so strong for mum, and my 3 kids, I made sure that every time they saw mum it was memories for them. She was determined to make Christmas, and she did, died a few days later. 5 days after she died my dad had quadruple bypass, it was so lonely sitting in London waiting for him to come out of surgery. I eventually had counselling, really helped, got into art as well, and working with children, I had to keep myself busy, and tbh I'm still not slowing down, got a f/t job, studying and training to be a teacher.

Sorry for the long post, it is so hard to deal with, and being a carer makes it even harder, you need to get a support network in rl, ppl to ho to when it gets bad. It's taken a long time, but I can laugh now without feeling guilty or angry. Sadly i have a bad relationship with my dad, he's toxic, and I've tried everything to please him, but now given up, not spoken to him for two months.

I think you can , after a fashion. My mum has advanced dementia. She's been 'gone' for some time now. What's 'here' is only a shell of the wonderful loving mum we once knew.

My brother and I have said our goodbyes in our hearts to the mother we knew. When she dies we will see it as a blessed release. Of course there will be tears and sadness. But we'll be glad to know she's with Dad and that we'll see her again.

You sound lovely Lou and I'm so sorry for what you have been through. Thank you for telling me. Don't apologise.

The hospital asked my mum about DNR last time she was taken in. She didn't seem upset by it but I was taken aback.

You are very strong with everything that you are still achieving. It's amazing. I'm sorry about your dad but it sounds like you really tried and were there for him. All we can do really isn't it.

You've hit the nail on the head... it is lonely.

I have one friend who suggests meeting up but then is very busy and so it never happens. I've given up there.

I don't have any support really apart from my counsellor.

I do have a sibling who does their bit but isn't nearly as involved as me. They seem able to mentally detach as well. We get along well but aren't close as such.

You aren't pathetic at all, I thought I was prepared but when the time sadly came I realised that whatever I'd imagined I'd do or feel was totally different. The good thing is that you aren't in denial and in that respect you are prepared.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel or be however you need. I am so sorry that you are facing this I hope you have some rl support.

You're certainly not pathetic.

However, you do sound locked into a very intense relationship with your mother and it sounds as if your identity is so intertwined with being her carer that you are preparing in a sense for an existential crisis without her.

I am trying to face it now as a way of dealing with the dread. I know I won't know how I'll be until it happens.

I am letting emotion out which isn't me but I guess is a good thing.

That is true Trippingover, I do feel my identity is intertwined with my mum even before being her carer. Co-dependant probably and I think that comes from my upbringing. That's why I am trying to face it and explore all of this now, if that makes sense.

It's not like having had a healthy parent who becomes unwell/ages and you become their carer. My mum has needed care in various guises for a long time and this to me is just an extension of that with age added on and all that brings.

As much as I try and tinker with my mind, I still have no self-esteem.

What do you have in your life other than your mum?

Are you caring from love or duty? It sounds like the latter.

To be honest it was mainly duty/what you do. I always loved her but didn't always like how she'd treated me. Now, I'd say it was love.

I don't have anything else, that's the problem. I find it so hard to switch off, everything feels pointless.

If she has a bad day or becomes unwell, then I go downhill. Can't eat etc.

I've always been a bit of a loner by nature which doesn't help.

You aren't pathetic OP, incredibly brave and strong, anxious and worried. Those words spring to mind.
I don't know if you can ever prepare for the death of anyone in your family. However I was carer for my grandfather for the last 18 months of his life. He beat cancer but it took its toll and he never really recovered. It was a hard thing to do. To see him weaken was difficult. One thing I will say however is, the day he took his last breath I was relieved for him as he wouldn't have wanted to be like that, he was always the strong one who picked everyone up when they were down. So to be the way he was when he passed would have been awful for him.
One thing I found was a sense of fulfilment for a while. Knowing I'd done my best to give him good end of life care, then I felt empty. I felt unneeded despite having children etc.
It may be worth a look at - in the long run, a job in the care industry. I did and it's given me back that sense of self worth that I felt I had lost. People need help and I felt the need to give it.
Also. Maybe speak to a therapist or counsellor. It's tough going. You can't always be strong. Try and expand your social circle, attend a class or go to quiz night in your local pub, just try and engage with others. Xx

^^ What KJPxx says, it's very hard when it's a loved one (esp if the relationship has been tricky). I think training in caring would be a good step forward. I used to be a care assistant when I was younger, it can be hard work, but equally rewarding and gives you a sense of purpose, being able to detach yourself a bit. Do you have any interests or something you've always wanted to do? Try adult ed, you could book yourself onto a course and may widen your social circle too. Don't give up on your busy friend, see if they can meet up on a Sunday afternoon or something.

Thank you for what you said, it was during counselling that it became clear how toxic my relationship with my dad is, he's mentally, verbally and physically abusive, ruled the house through fear, and still tries to. He has no social boundaries and dominates and manipulates the situation so everyone has his attention. He wears me down, I've never been good enough, even now with me doing all my studying "you were never given brains". Enough is enough, my siblings and mum put up with so much, but i cannot allow him to infect my children with his hate. Although my db is getting married v soon, he will be there, dread to think what he's going to do.