Can you ever prepare for the death of a parent

[user1474724638]

I'm not sure if I've posted this in the right place. I have learnt so much about relationships from reading the experiences on here.

I am in my 50s and I am a full-time Carer for my mum. It would take too long to document our history but in a nut-shell my parents both had mental health difficulties. They became unhappy people.

I feel that I bore the brunt of this when I was younger and it has caused me a lot of difficulties in life almost to the point that I can't function normally in the world. I haven't achieved anything that other people have, normal life milestones.

Having said the above, I am now at peace with my past and have forgiven my parents as I understand why it happened. I would say I now have quite a good relationship with my mum. She is old now. My dad isn't alive.

I am petrified of my mum dying as I won't have anything else. She has been very ill physically and has been diagnosed with a condition that will worsen with time. I know now that she was actually quite ill for sometime before she was diagnosed and I think all of this, plus still worrying constantly, has taken its toll on me.

I live in fear of her dying to the point of it keeping me awake at night. If she's ok then I'm ok. I know this isn't right and I am trying to find a way to prepare, if you can do such a thing.

I am having counselling. I have contacted a couple of organisations re employment training, as I don't have a career to go back to.

I don't have a lot of savings and I am trying to rectify that so I have some money to fall back on when the time comes. I have also joined the local Carers Centre.

My relationship with my partner broke down, partly because of how much caring I am doing. I do understand his point of view but it became abusive and I couldn't communicate with him. I am now trying to come to terms with that and the fact that the future I thought I had is no more. I'm sure that has had an effect on me.

I think I also feel more vulnerable as I am getting older and I have just been diagnosed with health problems that have knocked me for six.

I don't have any friends. I have long-standing anxiety that I think I manage quite well.

I don't feel I've got any reserves left anymore. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'm aware I sound a bit pathetic.

Thanks KJP for your kind words and for telling me about your experience. I can understand the relief aspect. I am sorry for your loss.

It is interesting that you mention going into the caring profession as it is something that has crossed my mind but I dismissed it out of hand thinking that I wouldn't want to do any more (caring).

I can see how you would feel a sense of fulfilment without the upset of it being a family member.

But, perhaps I should look at it. I'd really like to do some kind of training/have a plan now. I think that would help me feel less cut adrift.

I do have a counsellor who is great. I'm not sure he really appreciates how low I get. One good thing, I told him I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford to carry on seeing him when the time comes (as I will have to get a job asap) and he said we'd work something out.

I'm really glad I posted now.

Lou, I hope your dad behaves at the wedding. It's terrible isn't it that you have to worry about that on such a nice day.

It sounds like you have done all you could for him. You are very strong to draw a line.

True, the relationship being tricky does make it harder. Mum can be hard work at times. Example, she spoke to her friend on the phone Thurs afternoon and when I left she was so pleased she'd spoken to her and was saying she felt sorry for her friend as she'd been having a hard time. She asked me to buy the friend a box of chocolates from her.

When I went back Fri morning she was in a foul mood, saying she couldn't have such a horrible conversation again because her friend had gone on about her family problems (she does have a lot and so that isn't unusual). Getting stressed does make my mum ill mentally and physically.

I was taken aback. You never quite know where you are and it really upset me. I've just come out of a relationship where similar things happened, ie saying you're ok with whatever when you're not and lying basically. It reminded me of that.

It is interesting that you mention going into the caring profession as it is something that has crossed my mind but I dismissed it out of hand thinking that I wouldn't want to do any more (caring).

I think that would be something really worth considering based on the fact I'm a full time carer to my now adult son and its made me think of 'care' in a much wider setting. Also, Ive been on holiday these last few weeks and the lady I had come in to clean daily was also a private carer to about 3 elderly people. She's in her 50's and on her own so to speak and I'd love hearing about what she was going to make for someone to eat. I also laughed one day when she did a blow dry for me because I had a sore arm and couldn't move to do my own hair - she said oh I'll do your hair for you today, Im doing it for two of the other ladies I care for and i have my things in the car.

I would love a job like that.

No problem OP. I find sharing my experience helps me massively. I love caring for others and while I can reflect on personal experiences it helps me also remain grounded. It's worth trying to do something for yourself maybe once or twice a week, swim, gym, attend social events/clubs. Keep yourself human if you like x