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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'Friend'

38 replies

FizzyGinge · 11/08/2017 21:23

Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place. This isn't about a romantic relationship, but a friendship (or ex-friendship!) This seemed the most appropriate place for it but happy to be moved if it's not.

I had been friends with this woman since we were children. We grew up together, we're really close as teens and young adults, went through jobs, boyfriends, bereavements, houses, heartbreaks etc. We're in our early thirties now. There was a group of six of us, all really close.

My friend is an out and out career woman, and is successful. I had my own successful career, not to the level that she reached but perfectly good which I gave up to be a SAHM two years ago. Our other friends had various jobs, we all did different things, earned different amounts (by quite a lot) but rubbed along well. In our mid- twenties we both met men and settled down as did the rest of the group. We all remained close, but obviously didn't see as much of each other as we once did - all normal really.

As they years went on, I noticed she'd distanced herself a little bit. Not entirely, but just sort of like she felt a bit better than the rest of us. She'd be quite, well almost rude occasionally really when it came to pointing out how much 'better' the stuff was that she had (expensive cars, designer clothes etc) but to be honest I never paid much attention. Nor did anyone else really, we were all close enough that people just told her to shut up or teased her about it. Some of the other ladies started having babies and she was always the 'ooh I'm so excited' friend, but clearly wasn't very interested. Fair enough, not everyone is interested in babies and kids.

I was always the one to host 'wine nights' at my house because I was the only one with no kids other than her and she'd moved back home with her parents after her relationship ended. It ended because she cheated on her boyfriend (with a married man!). She always came, joined in etc.

Anyway, I got pregnant and during my pregnancy I saw her once. I got the odd text, and the usual 'I'm so excited' but that was about it. I called and messaged her a few times, but either got no response or a 'we must catch up soon!' but no plans to do so. When DD was born, I got a card through the door and that was it. No contact. I was really unwell after DD was born and messaged after 6 weeks or so apologising for not having been in touch and explaining why. We invited her to DDs christening and she accepted, then text on the morning to say she couldn't come. That was a year ago and I've not heard from her since. She doesn't bother with the others in the group either now, except for one.

This is where my issue comes in. To be honest I was really quite hurt at the way a close friend has basically just disappeared but after trying to make an effort, with a small baby, and getting no where I thought sod it. Not worth getting would up about.

Now the one person she's in touch with has are arranged a night out and she's going. I feel quite awkward - this is someone I've known all my life but who hasn't behaved very kindly to me or the others in the last few years. I don't know whether to just be civil, tell her how much she has pissed me off or just ignore her.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
EngTech · 11/08/2017 21:25

Ignore her and move on.

Her loss, not yours

MsGameandWatching · 11/08/2017 21:32

She moved on, she didn't ghost you, still kept in touch to a certain extent. Your lives all changed with children hers didn't so she moved on to people she had more in common with. You sound quite judgmental of her any way. Just be as friendly as you would any acquaintance when you see her. Sounds like you have quite a few friends anyway so it's not as if you're all alone and isolated.

DownTownAbbey · 11/08/2017 21:38

Friendships change, group dynamics wax and wane. Life moves on and not everyone we are friends with at 25 will be with us at 35. That doesn't mean you have to fall out with people, just accept your new dynamic.

I understand why you're hurt by this friend. Sounds like she has her own issues and she might even be jealous of you (and ashamed of it). Equally she could be bored ridged by babies as she's not at the baby stage. Try and relax and mentally rejig your idea of how your friendship with this woman should look.

FizzyGinge · 11/08/2017 21:38

I've never been judgemental of her. Her lifestyle has been a bit different to mine for a while (pre my DD really) but I saw no reason for that to change things. When she told me she was cheating and with a married man I told her what I honestly thought - that no good would come of it and that she was better than that. We'd always been very honest with each other. When I was mooning about for months on end after getting dumped many moons ago she was the one to pull me aside and say 'Enough is enough, you're being a bloody sap. Get a grip'

Other than that I'm not sure why I'd be coming across as judgemental?

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 11/08/2017 21:42

I'd go for polite but distant.

Happytobefree17 · 11/08/2017 21:45

You've grown apart. It's sad when you've been part of each other's lives for so long but it happens sometimes.

To be honest though, you sound like you don't like her much and want to tell her. Why is that?
Is it not possible to accept that you're different and rub along at social events without any drama?

You don't have to be close with everyone in your life. Why not just be civil and friendly without having to be bosom buddies?

Haffiana · 11/08/2017 21:47

I think you are being judgemental. Maybe she is desperate to have children but it isn't going to happen for her and she simply could not bear to be around friends with babies.

springydaffs · 11/08/2017 21:49

Well imo it hurts like fuck when a friendship, especially an old friendship, fails.

You get the 'she's moved on' (see above) as though this perfectly justifies the death of an old friendship.

What do you want to do when you see her?

mogulfield · 11/08/2017 21:54

I'd be hurt by this, my friendships mean a lot to me, as does loyalty. You've been loyal and you didn't naturally grow apart, she just stopped making any effort when you did.
I don't know what I'd do to be honest, I'd probably be guarded so as not to hurt myself anymore. So I'd be friendly but not overly so.

FizzyGinge · 11/08/2017 21:54

I'm absolutely certain she's not desperate for children. She's never wanted kids. Has easy been a child free by choice person. Fair enough, I'm not daft enough to think everyone wants or loves kids. I don't even love kids in general myself except my own!

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 11/08/2017 21:55

I'd be hurt if a friendship that old died a death. It's perfectly normal to be hurt and upset.

Do you want any sort of contact from now on or are you happy to leave it totally?

Happytobefree17 · 11/08/2017 22:07

You cannot be absolutely certain about anything she wants or thinks. That in itself is quite an arrogant assumption.

I have a friend who appears blasé about kids, jokes about how she'd hate to be tied down and not be able to take spontaneous holidays etc.

The truth is, when she was 18, she was told she was infertile as her Fallopian tubes were underdeveloped. She has only shared that with a very few people in her life.

You never really know what is going on in someone's life.

SunnyCoco · 11/08/2017 22:19

No need to worry about it, Just be civil and polite.
I do agree with PP you have been judgmental of her choices / lifestyle and she's probably picked up on that.
But more than anything you've just grown apart - you want different things from life and there's nothing wrong with that.
Hope it goes ok - don't stress just be normal and polite and it'll be fine x

springydaffs · 11/08/2017 22:30

I can't see how you've been judgemental op!

Maelstrop · 11/08/2017 22:37

Tricky, but I would be superficially friendly/polite to her. Keep it cool, sound out how she is, don't commit, don't open yourself to further hurt.

MamaMagellanic · 11/08/2017 22:52

Is there any possibility she's going through fertility problems, OP?

demirose87 · 11/08/2017 23:07

I think she's probably a bit miffed that she's the only one in your friendship group not to have a baby and it may not be because she wants children herself, although it could be. She might have felt she has little in common with you now and as though she's lost an element of your friendship as your priorities have changed, while hers haven't. She might have felt like a spare part and that's why she's backed off. But I wouldn't over think it; I would accept the loss of friendship but remain polite and friendly if you see her, not ask her for any answers.

Bardo · 11/08/2017 23:08

Yeh id be upset too if a friendship that old died a death but i would be friendly while holding back. I mean no confidances no reminiscing. Just friendly and breezy. Try a bit but dont kill yourself trying.
If she really is an old friend you'll find your wY back to each other. A lot of conventionally successful people begin to question things in their 40s. You may find yourself meeting in a new middle.
I have found that with my old school friend. Our lives are so so different but we can empathise with each other because we both wonder if we climbed a ladder leant against wrong wall!

I have another friend from school who didnt have kids. Maybe she found us boring back in the nappy era but now she knows my kids dont even need a babysitter and im free to go out. Some of the friends she made when i had toddlers, now they have toddlers.

So what i am saying is accept this it is the rhythm of life
Allow the distance and it may well disappear in the future.

FizzyGinge · 11/08/2017 23:10

No, Mamamagellanoc. She's currently single, has never wanted children (and has no health problems unless they are very recent). Not everyone who says they don't want kids is lying or hiding fertility issues (this is not to you, to the other poster mentioning this). I would know if she had issues previous to this, we'd always shared deeply personal stuff and accompanied her to Drs appointments for things that she wouldn't have told others about.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 11/08/2017 23:19

Maybe she's hurting/embarrassed from her break up, how it ended and the fact that all her friendship group knows about it? Maybe she wants to distance herself and make a fresh start and unfortunately old friendships are the casualties of that wish.

Angelf1sh · 12/08/2017 07:12

I suppose my question to you is would you have gone if she wasn't going to be there? If the answer to that is yes then I'd go. I wouldn't miss out on seeing everybody else. Once there I'd be "country club polite" - chilly smile, say hello and how are you and then move on to friends you actually want to be with and enjoy the time with them.

Friendships end. I have a few that have ended, one recently, some of them I know why but others I don't have a clue about. If I met any of them in the future I'd do the above, even if I still felt hurt. I wouldn't want to give them the chance to ignore me first! I think if you ignore her she'll make you look unreasonable to your mutual friend (I do wonder what she's playing at there inviting you all to the same evening out, unless it's her birthday party or something) and having it out with her will just sour the night for everybody.

SpiritedLondon · 12/08/2017 08:23

I don't think you sound judgemental at all - even about the affair with the married man. Let's face it if she was posting in here about that she would be torn to shreds. I do think some friendships have a life span and others have peaks and troughs. You might find you don't see her for a few years and then your life converges again down the line. ( this happened to me with a friend who I was upset with although after) . I would go to the event and be normal but slightly watchful. See how she plays it. Perhaps you'll have a chance to have a quiet chat and tell her you miss her and see how she responds. If she is distant then you know it's her choice for whatever reason.

SpiritedLondon · 12/08/2017 08:24

Oops editing fail

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 12/08/2017 08:33

I don't understand, you say she acted excited etc about your friends being pregnant. You too. She also sent you a card when your baby was born.

It sounds like you expect her to be a lot more excited about your baby to be honest.

PantPlot · 12/08/2017 08:39

Smile and hi, like you would with any other acquaintance. Doesn't have to be anything more or less than that.

Friendships wane, they aren't life long contracts.

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