'Friend'

[FizzyGinge]

Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place. This isn't about a romantic relationship, but a friendship (or ex-friendship!) This seemed the most appropriate place for it but happy to be moved if it's not.

I had been friends with this woman since we were children. We grew up together, we're really close as teens and young adults, went through jobs, boyfriends, bereavements, houses, heartbreaks etc. We're in our early thirties now. There was a group of six of us, all really close.

My friend is an out and out career woman, and is successful. I had my own successful career, not to the level that she reached but perfectly good which I gave up to be a SAHM two years ago. Our other friends had various jobs, we all did different things, earned different amounts (by quite a lot) but rubbed along well. In our mid- twenties we both met men and settled down as did the rest of the group. We all remained close, but obviously didn't see as much of each other as we once did - all normal really.

As they years went on, I noticed she'd distanced herself a little bit. Not entirely, but just sort of like she felt a bit better than the rest of us. She'd be quite, well almost rude occasionally really when it came to pointing out how much 'better' the stuff was that she had (expensive cars, designer clothes etc) but to be honest I never paid much attention. Nor did anyone else really, we were all close enough that people just told her to shut up or teased her about it. Some of the other ladies started having babies and she was always the 'ooh I'm so excited' friend, but clearly wasn't very interested. Fair enough, not everyone is interested in babies and kids.

I was always the one to host 'wine nights' at my house because I was the only one with no kids other than her and she'd moved back home with her parents after her relationship ended. It ended because she cheated on her boyfriend (with a married man!). She always came, joined in etc.

Anyway, I got pregnant and during my pregnancy I saw her once. I got the odd text, and the usual 'I'm so excited' but that was about it. I called and messaged her a few times, but either got no response or a 'we must catch up soon!' but no plans to do so. When DD was born, I got a card through the door and that was it. No contact. I was really unwell after DD was born and messaged after 6 weeks or so apologising for not having been in touch and explaining why. We invited her to DDs christening and she accepted, then text on the morning to say she couldn't come. That was a year ago and I've not heard from her since. She doesn't bother with the others in the group either now, except for one.

This is where my issue comes in. To be honest I was really quite hurt at the way a close friend has basically just disappeared but after trying to make an effort, with a small baby, and getting no where I thought sod it. Not worth getting would up about.

Now the one person she's in touch with has are arranged a night out and she's going. I feel quite awkward - this is someone I've known all my life but who hasn't behaved very kindly to me or the others in the last few years. I don't know whether to just be civil, tell her how much she has pissed me off or just ignore her.

Thoughts?

Some friendships wane, I mean.

Could she have been continuing to see the MM? And the one friend she still sees was her only confidante in the group?

It's not a birthday or anything, it's a 'let's get the old gang back together we haven't all seen each other together in ages' night out.

I'm not the only one who feels like this, I'm a bit concerned the night will be a bit of a disaster if I'm honest as two of the ladies have moved past the being a bit hurt stage and are downright annoyed with her. They are of the view that she'll cancel last minute anyway, maybe they are right. They are the two that were annoyed a bit anyway because of the way she used to waffle on money a lot when they were skint at home with small babies. They weren't bothered about not having a lot of cash, they made their choices, but she would insist on making comments about how she couldn't bear to go back to having a 'poor quality' handbag from Next after buying her new Mulberry, and how did people 'settle' for less. I always wondered if she was trying to inadvertently say 'well you might have your babies, husbands and own homes etc but I can have these luxuries that you cant' because she felt a bit pushed to the side by the changes in everyone else's lives. I tried talking to her about it once (nicely) but she just laughed and said she loved nice things. Fair enough.

I think I shall just be polite. Despite everything I don't like the thought of anyone being made to feel uncomfortable so I couldn't ignore her or be rude even though I might feel like it. Let's just hope it doesn't all descend into chaos!

Why are you having a get together at all when it seems like 3 out of the 5 friends don't even seem to particularly like this woman any more?

I would be polite and friendly but certainly would not be having any deep conversations about feeling hurt etc. Lives change, sometimes friendships only work for a period of time, there's nothing wrong if people drift apart, it's just life.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa - I didn't expect her to be visiting all the time and offering babysitting services no. Not her life, not her baby. But I don't think it's too much to expect a pretty much life long close friend to come and meet my child at some point - she's now two!

We'd always all been supportive at big events in our lives. For example she ran the marathon five years ago. The rest of us, even those with little ones at the time went off to London for the day to cheer her on. When she got promoted to company director, and it was a huge deal as she was the youngest director in the history of the company, we got together with her parents and arranged a surprise meal at her favourite restaurant to celebrate. So I was a bit hurt that when I did a huge thing in my life that she didn't even text to see how I was or pop round to meet DD and see me.

I've accepted it now, but at the time it did make me sad, especially as I had a rough time.

The PP who said that friendships wax and wane; very true.

The best friends I had in my teens weren't the ones I had in my twenties and the ones I have now are different again.

As our circumstances have changed we have become bigger and smaller parts of each other's lives. It's just hard when you feel differently about how much you want to spend time together.

I try and contact as many friends as possible at least a few times a year, the real friendships re-ignite, even if it's only for a short time.

I'd give your friend some space and try not to take anything too personally, sounds like you have plenty of other people around you.

What do you like about her? Not a dig, just wondering.

It sounds like her life is very different to yours and isn't interested in maintaining a relationship beyond a touch base every now and then.

I'd go and be myself around her but not get upset at the lack of contact. Just consider her like you would a friend of a friend.

I have a fairly similar issue in a group of six friends. One has been rather unkind to me and only ever attends group get togethers if the one friend she is in regular contact with is going to be there. Otherwise she doesn't bother.

I don't really care as I don't actually like her any more. I do however feel angry at the hurtful way she has behaved towards me (not a word of sympathy when I told her to her face that someone I loved deeply had died, and not a word of sympathy when I was burgled)

She makes it fairly clear she despises me but I do think it's jealousy.

I recommend you do what I do - go, but don't drink much. Be polite but don't show too much interest in what she is doing or try to tell her anything about yourself. You need to protect yourself.

I agree with PP who said to treat her as a friend of a friend, but one that you don't want to get to know better.

I'm not the only one who feels like this, I'm a bit concerned the night will be a bit of a disaster if I'm honest as two of the ladies have moved past the being a bit hurt stage and are downright annoyed with her. They are of the view that she'll cancel last minute anyway, maybe they are right.

I hope she does. We not be much of a night for anyone, her included, if most of those attending are just wanting the opportunity to be frosty and show her how annoyed they are. Sounds like a punishment for having dared to live her life without including you all as you would have liked her to.

Agree with Haffiana.

My mantra is we have friends for a season, a reason or a lifetime. It hasn't let me down yet

I think there are different issues here.
I understand that you are upset but some people are not into children. I am mother myself and I love my DS more than anything and anybody in the world but I am not into small babies. So I haven't seen first child of my best friend before she became 9 months and even then I went for an hour. Similar happened with her second one. But now that they are toddlers I love going and seeing them. That didn't impact our friendship. She knows me well enough.
My other best friend is not into children. She practically ignored my DS when she visited (and she did visit a lot) when he was little. That didn't impact our friendship. I know she loves me but she just doesn't enjoy spending time with children.
I am also guilty on cancelling of attending christening of another good friend's baby last minute because I was travelling a lot for work and just was tired. I have to admit has it been not christening I may have gone despite tiredness.
But I don't like the sound of your friend with all this bragging and being insensitive to her friends' financial situation. So I would be apprehensive of her for this reason.

I recommend you do what I do - go, but don't drink much. Be polite but don't show too much interest in what she is doing or try to tell her anything about yourself. You need to protect yourself

This is what I recommend too. Just pretend there's an invisible pane of glass between you. Don't ask her any questions and avoid any tete a tetes. Avoid going to the loo at the same time as her. Just be bright and breezy.......and remote.