Right, so I just found of my parents were committed swingers and I'm not too sure what to do with this knowledge...

[addittothelist]

I should preface this thread by saying that I am in therapy at the moment due to childhood abuse that occurred whilst my parents were being neglectful of me.

I grew up in a very normal-looking (priveleged, really) middle class home. But my parents were completely emotionally absent and didn't meet any of my emotional needs and also failed to keep me safe at home.

I've done some digging because I've long since suspected there was some strange stuff going on at home. My parents had lots of couple friends who also had children and I have memories of parties with loads and loads of drink, kids shoved away upstairs without any supervision, ever.

Coming to find parents and finding e.g. my mother sitting on someone other than my Dad's knee..or someone other than my mother sitting on my Mum's knee.

Walking in on slow dancing etc etc.

I'm really torn about how I feel about this...on one hand what consenting adults choose to do in private is their business.

But on the other hand, how on earth was this in private when us kids were walking in on it?

I've always had my suspicions and I was talking to one of the other kids from that time who just suddenly asked me if I thought they were swingers. I agreed the thought had crossed my mind several times. She asked her Mum who confirmed it.

It went on from when we were teeny tiny babies (and my Mum and her Dad went on holiday leaving us kids alone with my Dad and her Mum - wtf????) until we were teens.

Her Mum lives abroad now so doesn't see my parents much but thinks they are still at it now in their 60s.

Just. Well. I don't know what to do with this.

It's hard to separate it from my anger over their neglect, as now I know what was distracting them from their parental duties.

I'm currently nc and I'm not sure I can ever see that changing now..

Probably for the best the nc I imagine. Whatever they did in their private lives should have remained private

Disagree with the above, this wasn't their private lives, it was whilst they were actively required to parent.

Flowers OP. Xx

I wouldn't do anything with this information, it might not even be true. If it is true, then it's their personal business.

Carry on with your therapy and keep yourself healthy and safe from your parents.

It is 100% true. This I know.

Again, OP describes vivid memories from childhood. These are true regardless of what the friend said.

You lose the right to keep secrets like this when your children are put at risk. And whatever you feel, it's an odd and destructive feeling for a child to discover their parents acting intimately with someone else if this completely deviates from their view of their relationship.

Thanks all.

I think I mean I mentally don't know what to do with this, there isn't really a course of action I need to take.

I guess I need to work out how this all fits in with the rest of what was going on when I was growing up.

I don't know. If I'd found out they'd neglected me due to MH issues, or even something like addiction, that might have been worse.

But the fact that they were shagging around relentlessly whilst failing to keep us safe does really get to me.

Your parents being swingers didn't necessarily have anything to do with them being emotionally absent and neglectful. They would have been those things, anyway. Stay NC and work on improving yourself with therapy.

That's true, aquamarine.

I guess I'm wondering where this bit fits in with everything else.

The kind of abuse I suffered has been studied. A strong risk factor for it has been ovely permissive attitudes by parents towards sex (including extra marital affairs etc that aren't kept private). So I guess that's partly why I'm finding it hard to process this.

To cut a long story short, my brother sexually abused me.

So the fact that he grew up watching this stuff go on, and that there's a correlation between being exposed to that whilst growing up and going on to cross sexual boundaries is significant to me.

But I don't know where to put that bit.

Will talk to my therapist about it next week.

I don't think there's anything you can do with this information, you are already no contact. Just carry on with your therapy and try to heal yourself

Op I'm sorry about what happened to you at the hands of your brother. That post didn't show before I posted mine! I hope you can find some way to move forward from it all and be happy, no one should have to suffer abuse like that xx

Thanks justdont,

I'm really ok. Therapy has helped loads with the trauma.

But I'm left with this empty reationship with my parents who are still clinging to the idea that they gave me a very normal and happy childhood.

And that bit is another most definitely not normal bit. But was it about ME? I don't know...kind of their business. But also not..

Op, I understand a little of where you are coming from.
The only thing to do with this information is to make it a catalyst in you being your Own best friend and advocate.
Everything you find yourself doing, thinking and being, accept it lovingly. Don't judge yourself, don't give yourself a hard time ever. If you want to change your behaviour, do it lovingly. Talk to yourself with patience.
Your patents have let you down terribly, and put they needs above yours, which can leave such scars. Self love, seeks acceptance is v one of the main keys to healing.

There is a great book, The Courage to Heal.
Well done on going nc. You can do this op.

Sending much love x

Self acceptance, not seeks acceptance x

it sounds like this is a piece of a jigsaw that barely fits with anything else at the moment. Almost doesn't seem very relevant.

It may stay that way, or it may become more important to your comprehension of the family dynamics in time.

Either way if it information that at the moment is simply sitting there, that's okay. It might help to acknowledge it, to give it its spot and let it simply be for a while.

Thank you.

I'm ok.

It's just weird.

NC was inititally short term for the period of dealing with what happened to me.

BUt the more I dig up the more I don't really want them back.

I'm so sorry OP. I disagree it's part of their private lives as the moment you were involved (seeing them on each other's knees and on holiday together etc.), you became an unconsenting participant in their fetish. That is abuse and is connected to their selfishness and neglect throughout your childhood. It's really disgusting that they couldn't put you first and I don't blame you for being NC with them.

My heart goes out to you.
There are no words that can possible make it right.
Are your parents aware of the sa at the hand of your brother?
They are totally to blame for not keeping you safe or understanding the dangers.
I can see how your brother had a distorted view of sex and love.
Easier said then done, can you compartmentise your feelings, accept that you can't change the past. I had a friend who battled the same things and all I can say is don't let the past rock your future.
You are amazingly brave.
I think you might need to walk away from your family.

Sounds like they were shit parents first and the swinging aspect is really only secondary to their pre-existing shit parenting. Probably best to park that part of it for the time being. Sorry this happened to you and good luck with your recovery.

Thank you, yes they are aware of the SA. They seemed sympathetic at first but then tried to dismiss it.

I can't see a way back from all of this from them.

My mother has spent years putting me down and just generally lording it over me and my Dh. She's even tried to overrule our parenting as if she knows better.

Now i find out all this.

I keep thinking about who was in and out of our house when we were young.

There were always parties and so much alcohol around us.

My parents are pillar of the community types

I remember watching a program once where a certain female celebrity was grappling with sex addiction and trying to get to the bottom of it and understand herself.

One scene that stuck in my mind was a memory she had of her father being very sexually open around her, watching sexually explicit programs with her around, reading material etc. She recounted this to the therapist.

Interestingly, the therapist said that this would count as sexual abuse, because, as a child she did not have the capacity to process the the images she was seeing, she was exposed to something her brain could not sufficiently place anywhere since it was too immature to do so.

The therapist said growing up in a household where there was an absence of normal parental affection and emphasis on errant sexual behaviour had distorted the celebrities view of love and sex.

I found it equally sobering and fascinating.

Whilst your parents did not do quite the same thing, I would count it as abusive, as they were careless about it and it has profoundly screwed up your brother and you have become a victim of that. So your abuse is not in a vacuum.

I would remain no contact permanently.

Thank you Hadron. It was a really weird atmosphere growing up as my Dad was quite o

Thank you Hadron. It was a really weird atmosphere growing up as my Dad was quite open about nudity and sex etc.

My mother on the other hand was utterly repressed and didn't even tell me about puberty or buy me bras or tampons. So I had to deal with that alone because it was too awkward for her.

Shagging other men clearly not too awkward though.

Hi OP. I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with all of the shut that your parents have heaped upon you. I think I'd feel incredibly angry in your position that they were so obviously putting their own desires way before the needs of their children and behaving so recklessly at the expense of your well-being.
I admire your courage for facing this head on with your therapist and wish you all the best in creating a better future for yourself