Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So disappointed with DH

41 replies

StayCloseToMe · 11/08/2017 08:44

He's always been one of the good ones. We had a fantastic relationship. We were mad about each other.

We had our first baby and i won't pretend it wasn't hard. Both tired, we said mean things to each other. No shouting or anything just sniping and petty bickering really. It wasn't awful but it was different. Sex/affection tailed off a bit. I had a horribly traumatic birth and i think my mental health suffered. I worried about what was happening to us but my friends said it was normal for things not to be great with a newborn. DH was always fantastic. Really hands on, did night feeds etc quite happily.

Things improved as DD got older. She's now 2.5 and the light of our lives. I thought, I'm so lucky. Lovely husband, beautiful daughter.

We now have DD2. Pregnancy was awful (but all worth it). She is 4 weeks old. She is probably more "challenging" than DD1 as a baby as she won't sleep unless shes being held and she is more colicky, but the birth was smooth and generally we have found things easier this time round. I am struggling with my hormones and im quite run down, not feeling myself.

I dont feel DH is anywhere near as supportive this time. He is quite eye rolly when i feel tearful. Once the kids are asleep he sits on his phone a lot. We had a big talk last week. I said i wasn't happy and he apologised and said he would try harder, was tired etc. He recently got a big promotion at work and its very demanding.

I went to stay with my parents for a few days (nothing marriage-related. Just they live far away and wanted some time with the kids and DH was back at work so they wanted to help). Got back on Wednesday. Got the feeling DH was pleased to see us but was exasperated by the noise/mess very quickly. I have done all night feeds all week. I am in the middle of my first period since having DD and im so, so tired. So when she woke up in the night i asked him to see to her. He did, but was clearly furious about being asked because he has work today. He couldn't settle her and i had to get up after an hour anyway.

When he got up this morning he complained about being tired. I know i shouldn't have said this, but i snapped about how he had all week to himself and he was only up for an hour at 4. I was angry with his crap attitude. He said "yeah i forgot you have a full day of work ahead of you today...oh wait, you dont".

We had a huge argument. I told him to stay at his mums this weekend. I didn't really mean that. I am so upset by what he said. The house is a riot and DD2 won't be put down. I am fortunate that DD1 is in nursery today so i suppose it is slightly easier but still...

Im gutted. I thought he was different but he's not.

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 11/08/2017 08:50

Do you think he could have just said that in tiredness? We all say things we don't mean when we're tired and grumpy. I would cut him some slack today.

Ropsleybunny · 11/08/2017 08:50

You poor thing! Flowers

I honestly think all is not lost, you are both suffering from lack of sleep and the stress surrounding having a difficult baby. I don't think your DH is crap, just stressed. Things will get better but in the meantime use any support available, perhaps go to your parents again.

Both of you need to apologise and recognise that it's hard for both of you.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 11/08/2017 08:52

So he thinks looking after a baby and toddler is nothing like hard work?? Wow, what a chauvinistic attitude but sadly all too common in men today. No, your dh is no differentFlowers
What do you want to happen op? Is there anyway you can go back to work full time and he stays home to raise his kids?

Original poster
StayCloseToMe · 11/08/2017 09:00

The comment shocked me because it is so chauvinistic and that's very unlike him. He has always acknowledged that being at home is difficult. He loves his job. I love my job too, but I cut my hours down to part time because I want to be with the kids. I'm going back early next year.

I'm just so hurt by it. I can't believe he said it.

I try very hard not to engage in competitive tiredness. We fell into that trap last time round and it's unhelpful. However, he's had all week to himself. He shouldn't be so tired. If he stayed up late watching films, that's his own fault (he claims he didn't but I know him too well...).

OP posts:
ThinkIlikeit · 11/08/2017 09:07

Tbh the tiredness and resentment is pretty normal at this stage. Your baby is only four weeks old. I can see both your points. Getting up at 4am when you have work is the pits. However you are right that he has had a week to himself and many working mums are up in the night with their dc and just get on with it. You should adjust in time. It's a difficult stage.

ptumbi · 11/08/2017 09:12

He said "yeah i forgot you have a full day of work ahead of you today...oh wait, you dont". - you don't? You DON'T???? You don't have a full day ahead of you? Oh No, you have a full day AND NIGHT ahead of you - for months!!!!!! Angry

What a shit. I really do know what it's like (I have 3 quite close in age) and remember that stage well. BUT there is no excuse for that sort of dismissive chauvinistic crap.

I know it does pass, that his attitude may not.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 11/08/2017 09:12

Op, sorry nothing helpful to add but after our dd was born my h said/did some things that were trivial to him but hugely disrespectful to me as a new mother. It shocked me to the core that his underlying attitude was akin to a 1950's husband with the little woman at home (even though I worked from home, had 2 weeks off for maternity leave and had to start working again when dd was 3 days old plus the full days childcare thrown on top).
I never forgot those examples he showed me in those early years and other instances during our long marriage and I recently left him.
I suppose what I am trying to say is to nip his shitty attitude in the bud now.
You are doing the vast majority of the childcare including all night feeds and his 8hr day is a fucking picnic compared to that!!Flowers

MorrisZapp · 11/08/2017 09:17

If it's logistically possible, find a chance to leave him in charge of both kids for a bit, even just for a couple of hours.

He needs to learn what 'work' is.

DadOctave · 11/08/2017 09:25

Meh, kids are all about team work. I never get these dads who don't do the night stuff even when working. Tbh Ive done most of the night stuff especially with our youngest, but you just get on with it, it's knackering but par for the course. He needs to grow up/man up a bit.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 11/08/2017 09:42

But you can sleep today?

BR62Y · 11/08/2017 09:45

This is just life when you have two kids. I think you are overreacting especially with the sleep at your mums bit.

Jamon · 11/08/2017 09:47

I can see why that comment upset you, it was mean and whilst you're not at work you've got the exhausting job of looking after a tiny baby. Being on my period sometimes knocks me sideways and I haven't got any dc to look after.

He sounds like a decent man though which makes me think it was said out of tiredness and a moment of bad temper rather than a deep character flaw.

I would suggest getting more regular breaks with your parents but it seems he gets too used to the peace and quiet! Could they come and stay with you to help?

ptumbi · 11/08/2017 10:03

But you can sleep today? - what does that mean? Sleep during the day - with a 2.5YO toddler and a new baby?

Ropsleybunny · 11/08/2017 10:05

Try not to dwell on what was said in anger. The anger is a result of stress and tiredness.

I can see why you're upset and this is probably amplified because you're knackered and stressed.

You know things will get better. The early days with a newborn turns us into walking zombies, who can't function properly or think straight!

Flowers
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 11/08/2017 10:13

"She is 4 weeks old. She is probably more "challenging" than DD1 as a baby as she won't sleep unless shes being held and she is more colicky"

No, op will not be able to sleep during the day Confused unless of course op can sleep with one eye open whilst also keeping baby settled/fed and sorting out the neverending cleaning, sterilising, tidying etc etc.

Sure dh would jump at the chance to swap places with his dear wife. Not.

Batoutahell · 11/08/2017 10:22

What he said was shit and very unfair. Hopefully he will apologise later but I would worry that it's what he really thinks.

IfNot · 11/08/2017 10:23

The mark of a man is not how he acts when things are easy but how he acts when things are tough. The guy just had a full week off! He has no reason to moan about one short night!
Do you remember those newborn days? I would have sold my granny for a night off let alone a week.
I'm sorry OP I can't help but feeling like he has let his true colours show.
The best men I have known have been possibly a little outwardly old fashioned or even chauvinist, but when the chips were down they stepped up without complaint and showed true grit.
If I were you I would get through the next few months and start having a real think.

BR62Y · 11/08/2017 10:26

Really IF? So none of these "perfect men" that you know have never had an off day due to tiredness?.....Have a think about what? Some of the advice on her is just absolute bollocks.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 11/08/2017 10:32

I would find it pretty hard to get over him being so furious at getting up at 4am, one night, after a full week of sleep and zero childcare, to be honest. I really feel for you. I am also struggling with 10 week old dc2 who also only sleeps if being held. It's hard Flowers

Noteventhebestdrummer · 11/08/2017 10:36

The toddler is at nursery today so OP can rest a bit? The baby will sleep while being held even if she can't be put down.
Her DH won't get to rest at all at work.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 11/08/2017 10:44

Unless her dh is something like a brain surgeon I'm pretty sure he can cope with one early wake up after a week of having full nights sleeps and not having to do any parenting at all. Where's the kindness in this marriage if he can't even do that?

And frankly sleeping through until 4am would have me turning cartwheels at this point.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2017 10:53

so OP can rest a bit?
Hahahahaha - so there's nothing else to do of course.
Just happy rainbow fairy times with a new born!!???
Sleep when the baby sleeps and all that jazz.
It's really quite sweet how naive some people are.... Confused

MamaHanji · 11/08/2017 10:56

My dh has always been really supportive and understanding of how hard it is being a sahm to a 3 year old and a baby.

For 3 years he has been fantastic and picking up the slack from day when I am too exhausted for no sleep or the kids have screamed for 9 hours straight.

Except one argument a few months ago where he said 'you sit on you ass and do fuck all.'

3 years of nothing but support and help, and 1 comment and I was ready to walk away!

Competitive tiredness is a horrible thing.

Cantseethewoods · 11/08/2017 10:56

The problem is that you can't compare looking after baby and toddler and working, as in, you literally cant. Depends on the job, depends on the exact day in the job, depends on the baby.

Yes, he was a Dick but he may just be going thru that 'feel sick with anxiety on way to work everyday' stage of new promotion.

DH and I pretty much hated each other for the first year of both kids lives. Competitive tiredness was the name of the game!

IfNot · 11/08/2017 11:02

Really IF? So none of these "perfect men" that you know have never had an off day due to tiredness?.....Have a think about what? Some of the advice on her is just absolute bollocks.
Where did i say perfect???You sound very angry..have you come off your Meds or something?
I suggest she has a think about going back full time, or even better both of them reducing hours of possible and having a much more equal distribution of responsibilities. That way he won't have all the horrid stress of the big promotions on his own.