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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So disappointed with DH

41 replies

StayCloseToMe · 11/08/2017 08:44

He's always been one of the good ones. We had a fantastic relationship. We were mad about each other.

We had our first baby and i won't pretend it wasn't hard. Both tired, we said mean things to each other. No shouting or anything just sniping and petty bickering really. It wasn't awful but it was different. Sex/affection tailed off a bit. I had a horribly traumatic birth and i think my mental health suffered. I worried about what was happening to us but my friends said it was normal for things not to be great with a newborn. DH was always fantastic. Really hands on, did night feeds etc quite happily.

Things improved as DD got older. She's now 2.5 and the light of our lives. I thought, I'm so lucky. Lovely husband, beautiful daughter.

We now have DD2. Pregnancy was awful (but all worth it). She is 4 weeks old. She is probably more "challenging" than DD1 as a baby as she won't sleep unless shes being held and she is more colicky, but the birth was smooth and generally we have found things easier this time round. I am struggling with my hormones and im quite run down, not feeling myself.

I dont feel DH is anywhere near as supportive this time. He is quite eye rolly when i feel tearful. Once the kids are asleep he sits on his phone a lot. We had a big talk last week. I said i wasn't happy and he apologised and said he would try harder, was tired etc. He recently got a big promotion at work and its very demanding.

I went to stay with my parents for a few days (nothing marriage-related. Just they live far away and wanted some time with the kids and DH was back at work so they wanted to help). Got back on Wednesday. Got the feeling DH was pleased to see us but was exasperated by the noise/mess very quickly. I have done all night feeds all week. I am in the middle of my first period since having DD and im so, so tired. So when she woke up in the night i asked him to see to her. He did, but was clearly furious about being asked because he has work today. He couldn't settle her and i had to get up after an hour anyway.

When he got up this morning he complained about being tired. I know i shouldn't have said this, but i snapped about how he had all week to himself and he was only up for an hour at 4. I was angry with his crap attitude. He said "yeah i forgot you have a full day of work ahead of you today...oh wait, you dont".

We had a huge argument. I told him to stay at his mums this weekend. I didn't really mean that. I am so upset by what he said. The house is a riot and DD2 won't be put down. I am fortunate that DD1 is in nursery today so i suppose it is slightly easier but still...

Im gutted. I thought he was different but he's not.

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 11/08/2017 11:23

You said something shitty which you know you shouldn't have said, he said something shitty that he probably knows he shouldn't have said.

"I thought he was different but he's not."
You may need a grip for this bit.
Also did he really have all week to himself or was he working?

Original poster

StayCloseToMe · 11/08/2017 12:24

He was working. He played football. He met his pal for a pint. He's had a good week.

We are texting now but no apology. No mention of this morning at all just asking how the baby is.

OP posts:

Batoutahell · 11/08/2017 12:28

When things are calmer I think you need to sit down and discuss what his view on what you do all day is. I would explain how devalued and hurt you felt hearing him say that and ask if he really thinks you are not currently doing a 24/7 full time and exhausting job.

LadyLapsang · 11/08/2017 12:57

OP, I think you are being a bit harsh on your DH. MY DH never got up to DS in the night - not once. I was breastfeeding so I got it that there was no point us both having our night disturbed at the same time, but at times I was so, so tired. Do you get a nap when the baby sleeps if your older DD is in childcare all day? If not, could you? If your paid work is going to be part-time when you finish mat leave and he is working full-time, with a step up in terms of challenge with the recent promotion, then I think you need to have a chat when you are not so tired and cross to establish how you are going to work together to manage the increased challenge on the home front.

Original poster

StayCloseToMe · 11/08/2017 14:58

Well we are formula feeding so why should he not get up? I asked him as a one off on a work night. I do 95% of the night wakings.

OP posts:

Sistersofmercy101 · 11/08/2017 15:09

I'm sorry OP. For some perspective, my partner and I have a "traditional" arrangement, I'm a SAHP he works FT, our littlest one is bf alongside food, but still wakes for me several times, due to older dc's I can't realistically nap during the day. So I understand where you are at, but here's the thing, my partner refers to my SAHP as a FT job and verbally acknowledges that it's rough as f! So no I don't blame you one jot for being upset! YANBU

altiara · 11/08/2017 15:14

I'm assuming he's working in an office, if so DH is able to have quiet 'me' time during the commute (if in a car or walking) and then sit on his arse in the office talking to adult humans and drinking cups of tea. Yes sometimes it's busy and there can be stress or difficult conversations with people taking the mick BUT it's not 'that' hard.
Imagine doing all of that while the baby's crying, now it's comparable.

Original poster

StayCloseToMe · 11/08/2017 15:18

The baby just won't sleep today 😥

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 11/08/2017 16:11

Poor you - that is exhausting. Hope you get a break tonight and over the weekend.

SonicBoomBoom · 11/08/2017 17:39

I'd leave him in charge of both DC for a full day and then see how easy he finds it, and if he'd rather be at work.

Pollyanna9 · 11/08/2017 18:15

I'm a menopausal full time single mum - which of course is hard. Of course I fully remember how hard it was when the kids were little (they're now mid teens and one just turned 'adult'!!).

A PP said 'like a 1950s husband' and that's how my (now X)H became. Proper old fashioned. He too said the same things that your DH did - and we too are now divorced as well, just like the PP!

Sadly it was a marker of things to come as mine started out great and it wasn't until the kids came that these stupid comments started coming out, revealing his true feelings on the subject - I think it's the case that when push comes to shove that you see what are actually (and unbelievably to yourself OP, because they never revealed this part of themselves before, simply because the right circumstances hadn't yet arisen) is when you get to see their true, core attitudes....

I now work in a really quite demanding job and I'll tell you, as stressful and pressured as it is, I GUARANTEE you that me, and your DH, are having a MUCH better, easier day than you are at home.

He needs a rollocking - I lost count of the amount of times I was told that my day was less tiring than his (presumably because one doesn't get paid for being at home with children!!).

I wasted YEARS with him because I was unable to believe that this really was him - but it was. It will either go that you get him up against a wall (so to speak, you don't have to actually do it!) and give it to him hard and clear - and he'll change his ways, fundamentally STRAIGHT AWAY. Or, he'll likely look like he's got it, but it'll just be a matter of time before this type of attitude surfaces again.

And when he suggested to me that possibly we should follow the method whereby the husband gives the 'housewife' housekeeping (can you believe it?!) rather than me having cards and so on and 'sharing' 'his' money, fuck me, that should have been a punch to the nuts quite frankly. We didn't go down this route btw, but still.....

Pollyanna9 · 11/08/2017 18:18

Bloody well said Altiara.

What she said - you nailed an accurate comparison, totally.

HeavenlyEyes · 11/08/2017 18:21

what is so important on his phone that he spends hours on that while ignoring you? He seems more distant overall?

LadyLapsang · 11/08/2017 19:13

I do think the career / financial differences that often (not always!) start after the first baby and develop further with subsequent children don't help. The typical father not sharing parenting leave (mum taking it all as mat leave), climbing the career ladder, not taking time off to care for sick children and mother stepping back to part-time work, picking up all the childcare slack (sick children / nanny sick etc.), mother working locally so it's "just more convenient" for her to leave work at short notice / "she's part time anyway" / he "has an important partners' meeting / presentation / needs to win work".... exacerbate things. Of course, these fathers all believe in equal ops at work (or so they say), just not at home!

mogulfield · 11/08/2017 19:28

I once had to go away for work for a week when my son was 8 months old- I came back to a transformed DH- much more understanding and supportive! if you can give him time alone with the kids DO IT. It's the only way they genuinely get it, by walking a mile in your shoes.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2017 19:52

The baby years are so very stressful in a relationship. I felt very much like you do now when mine were younger. I was so resentful that I did so much and at one point I went to stay with my parents for a while.

It's the reason I refused to have more than 2 DC.

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