Coming face to face with the ex he chose over me

[slothface]

This is my first post, I've joined for some advice. Ill try and keep this short!

About 4 months ago, I met a guy and we hit it off pretty much immediately. Started texting and the messages got quite suggestive, only for him then to reveal he was seeing someone. I told him it wasn't appropriate and heard no more from him.

A few weeks later he texts me asking if I'll be at an event (we work in a similar industry) which I am going to. I see him there, he tells me he's ended it with the girlfriend and we go on a date a few days later and kiss. Then end up having a long conversation with him revealing he still loves his ex (might be relevant here that she lives in a different country so was never a 'conventional' relationship, and that she'd previously dumped him when he suggested moving to be with her). I knew I liked him, so told him it wasn't wise for me to get involved and we should leave it, that should have been the end of it but a week later I saw him again and we decided to keep seeing each other.

He repeatedly kept saying that he had feelings for me but still loved her and didn't want a serious relationship, which messed with my head as we had agreed to be exclusive by this point and were seeing each other multiple times a week, cooking dinner together etc, so to all intents and purposes, a relationship. I got fed up with his mixed messages and dumped him again, only to get back with him a week later (I know, I must take responsibility for not just walking away).

Anyway, we then made it 'official' but he was still sending mixed messages - not saying it back when I said something nice to him, contacting his ex all the time and telling her he loved her (I saw a message to that effect pop up on his phone when it was next to me, but never snooped or even asked him to cut contact) and basically making me feel guilty if I questioned how he could say he had feelings for me but also act completely cold and seemingly prioritise her over me.

It came to a head in another argument and he ended it with me, I was incredibly upset despite having been miserable with him because I felt that if he felt enough for me, he would have made an effort to reassure me, make me feel wanted, and not have inappropriate conversations with his ex. After a couple of weeks not speaking we met up and he apologised, said he wanted to take responsibilty for everything and that he was sorry for being such a shit boyfriend, and even attempted to organise a surprise meal for my birthday which I found a bit weird.

Then he told me his ex is coming over to stay with him at the end of the month and she and him will be at an event that I'm also going to (not going is not an option as it's work related). We argued and I said I hope it all goes pear shaped for him, and he said that while I "wish him ill" he can't pursue a friendship with me. I think it's a bit rich for him to expect me to be pleased for him should he reconcile with her and ended up telling him to fuck off.

I don't want to be friends with him, I feel his apologies and attempts to make amends are too little too late, but how on earth am I going to cope at a 3-day event seeing him parading around with her?

Sorry, that was not short at all!

Blimey, he thinks his friendship is a reward that you need to earn by wishing him well in his new/old/on/off relationship!? The same one that was sort of 'on' when he first met you!

He hasn't shown much remorse for messing you about. I think it's natural that you aren't wishing him well. I wouldn't be either in your shoes. I'd be angry too.

Maintain your boundary! You are not obliged to be friends with a man who was so cavalier with your feelings.

Hold your head up at the event. You're not the one who dithered (and that's being kind) like a man having his cake and eating it while he decided where to go.

Wonder if husband GF knows about you? Because by the sound of it she doesn't?

If march up and introduce myself and make him squirm!! Oh he's told me all about you! Fancy some coffee??

You don't have to do anything other than be pleasant. She's done nothing wrong

You're right, she isn't the one who's done anything wrong and I have no intention of being unpleasant to her. He told me he did tell her about me but who knows whether that's true or not.

I'm now starting to feel like I've been too harsh in telling him where to go as he was trying to make amends, I also have mental health issues and he came round the other night and made me dinner and did the whole 'I'll always be there for you in a crisis' spiel.

But on the other hand, that doesn't erase how he treated me. And I can't help feeling his attempts to be nice are more out of guilt than anything; he said multiple times during the "relationship" that he knew his behaviour wrt his ex and being cold with me was making my anxiety worse but did nothing to make an effort to change! Hence feeling like his moves to make amends are too little too late

Yeh, not everybody is all bad and that can confuse issues.

Just ask yourself if being his friend will help you feel less pain or more. Will being his friend help you detach and move on quicker?
Will being his friend make you feel like you came in second place in a race you didn't choose to enter?
will being his friend mean that you don't give other guys a chance because you're still attached to the ditherer and not giving new men a chance ?

Believe me, I've been there. I cut a man out of my life over a year ago because we had drifted in to a relationship even though he said he didn't want one, he meant with me. Still despite his warning that he didn't want a relationship, we ended up in one except I knew it wasn't in anyway committed or serious for him. So I ended it and I couldn't be his friend. He pushed for me to be his friend but I held firm and it helped me detach. Once you've detached then you see things very clearly.

This guy has been using you and stringing you along. Trust me he is no loss, I feel sorry for his girlfriend tbh. I bet she doesn't know about you. He's nothing but a user and cheater, hopefully his girlfriend will wake up to that one day. Meantime, as the mistress (sorry but you are) keep your head held high and be thankful you had a lucky escape!

You made the right decision to cut him off. No way were you harsh! The entire time you were with him he had you in make do, 2nd place.

I don't think you should keep him as a friend, he's not friendship material, and he's bad for your self-esteem and any anxiety issues you have will not improve by keeping contact with a man who makes you feel like you're second fiddle to his whims.

Your instincts are right. Run away ftom this man he'll do nothing but bring drama into your life.

Can you bring anyone with you to the event?

Whatever you do, please god, make sure you look great and happy go lucky, even if you have to pin the smile on your face up with drawing needles. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you pine after him while he waltzes around with his ex. He has a fantastic sense of entitlement. In fact you should feel sorry for his girlfriend-cum-ex-cum-girlfriend, and count your lucky stars you've escaped.

I think if you sit down and think 'do my friends treat me like this?' the answer would be 'No. They don't'.

And therefore you do not want him as a friend. I remember breaking up with an ex who had treated me badly and him magnanimously saying 'I hope we can still be friends'. It really hit me then that I didn't actually like him enough as a person to want to be friends with him. I still had feelings for him - but actually, my friends don't treat me like I'm shit and make me feel second best all the time. Why would you want to be friends with anyone who does?

Sorry. Just realised you'd said you didn't want to be friends with him and how would you cope at the event.

You cope by plastering a smile on your face, behaving professionally and rising above it all. And if he comes over to speak to you I would firmly cut in with 'I don't believe we have anything left to say to each other, do you?' and walk away.

Thanks everyone, I know you're all right. There will be lots of other people I know at the event so that's not too much of a problem. I think this feels a lot worse for me because I'm generally terrible at dealing with bad stuff in life due to existing depression issues, and hes kicked off another depressive episode in me with his emotional pantomime. I know ill probably look back on this in time and think how trivial it is in the grand scheme of things and that he really isn't worth having in my life, we have a lot of mutual friends though due to our jobs so part of me thought it would be easier to maintain some civility but the last couple of times I've seen him since the break up have made me feel worse

I also have mental health issues and he came round the other night and made me dinner and did the whole 'I'll always be there for you in a crisis' spiel.

You were right to tell him to fuck off. Stop letting him come over, block him on your phone, facebook, everywhere.

You can't move on if you're still giving him head space.

You need to really focus on putting his treatment of you in perspective as it strikes me that you've been his fallback girl and he still wants to 'keep you warm' by using the word friendship. He seems to have been able to keep that spark of hope flickering in you by throwing you just enough crumbs. You're better than that! Who knows what he's telling this other woman and whether or not she thinks she's been in a relationship with him all this time.

He does not sound like someone who could be a true friend to you and he's certainly not boyfriend material worth losing sleep over.

In your shoes (and with the benefit of hindsight) I'd write down a list of all the shite he's told you, the contradidictory stuff that never quite made sense at the time and got your twat radar twitching and then I'd read that list every time I wobbled and went all soppy thinking about him. That should help to put him and his lack of actions in perspective for when you see him at the conference. I'd tread kindly if you see her as she's probably totally in the dark about you. I certainly wouldn't stay with an ex if I went abroad unless a) we'd had an exceptional relationship and breakup where we'd morphed into platonic best friends I've only seen Jennifer Anniston achieve this in the movies and Mumsnet has more than its fair share of these remarkable humans b) he was an FWB or c) he was my darling love and I had no idea about you.

Your thread title suggests you lost a prize. I truly think you dodged a bullet. Apologies if that seems harsh OP but I hope the above gives you some useful ideas. Stay strong!

Beenthere is bang on. Really spend time reflecting on his shitty behaviour and see him for what he is. You deserve better. Sadly, so does his girlfriend.

You don't have to be friends with him and it'll be best if you don't tbh, nor do you have to talk to him unless for work reasons. Don't say anything to the gf, she's not done anything to you.

I'd studiously ignore him and walk away if he approaches you, you have nothing to say to him personally. If you have to talk to him professionally then you can do that (I'd find it easier to not actually look at him, but to look over the top of his head), say your piece/get your answer and then walk away. If he tries to speak personally, just repeat your work piece and then walk away if he doesn't answer, someone else will then have to talk to him.

You've done the right thing in telling him to fuck off as he was stringing you along, but I do feel I need to remind you that you only met him 4 months ago and going by your timeline you can only have been "exclusive" for about a month at the most, more likely a couple of weeks. During that time he repeatedly told you that he wasn't after a serious relationship and that he still loved someone else. Next time you're starting a new relationship you should listen to what he tells you - if he says stuff like this, break it off. Your current state could have been completely avoided if you hadn't lied to yourself that he didn't mean what he was saying and that you could change his mind. A little self-respect at an earlier stage would have left you a lot happier.

Yes, he was stringing you along, and to put it bluntly he never at any stage chose you.

He wasn't messing with your head, he was telling you very clearly throughout that you weren't the one. You were, in effect, a temporary bed warmer. And he kept telling you this.

You mention your issues with depression, and I think it would really help you to go for individual counselling before contemplating another relationship. Because you can do so much better than choosing an unavailable man.

You might also find it helpful to look at the Baggage Reclaim site.

In terms of the upcoming event, just don't go near him during it if you can. Be ultra professional, carry out any designated role diligently and network assiduously. Career competency is good for self-esteem, and it sounds as if that is what you need to build up.

Oh fgs (him not you!)

He didn't choose her over you, he chose, and has constantly chosen, HIMSELF. He's a cheaty twat who has no loyalty to anyone, and a little drama queen to boot - 'I'll always be there for you!!' - no you won't you nob, you can't even comprehend how not to cheat on people, let alone be someone honest and reliable in a crisis.

No he isn't your friend, so next time he gets preachy (hopefully never as you won't waste any more time on him) tell him that you do indeed wish him very ill in his relationships as right now what he needs is one big fat kick up the bum on that front. Secondly, no need for him to tell you that he can't be friends with you as you're already well aware that he isn't any friend of yours and never has been. So BORE OFF.

To the person who mentioned counselling - yes it is something I'm looking to do for various reasons, not just this. But I know that I have a tendency to keep hanging on in unhealthy situations even when I know I should walk away, this isn't the first time I haven't just cut my losses at the first sign of it being wrong.

So just to give an idea of timescales, he agreed to be exclusive right at the start so like 4 months ago, even when he was saying he didn't want a relationship. And he'd also say things like "I have feelings for you and I want to be with you, not her" while also being cold with me as described so I do feel that he sent mixed messages and messed with my head.

Also, I dumped him twice! He had two opportunities not to come back for more if he didn't want anything serious. I'm definitely not going to try and have any kind of friendship with him, reading all your very helpful and sensible posts has confirmed to me that telling him where to go was the right thing, I just should have done it far sooner!

She isn't better or worse than you. She is just different and from what you've said, she has got the booby prize here. He has messed about with both of you and that isn't a particularly friendly thing to do.

SO at the work event, I'd spend your time working on presenting yourself as awesome as you undoubtedly are, do whatever it is you need to do to feel confident about yourself and demonstrate that you do not need friends like him .

Lesson learnt... Don't date a guy who openly admits he's still in love with his Ex.

He would always go back to her, as she's the one who rejected him. It didn't end on his terms.

Do you have to go to this event?

@Sandy he was actually the one who dumped her this time, although he's since admitted he didn't want to end it. Not going to the event isn't an option unfortunately, I'm working there and I'm freelance so if I don't go it'll be quite a bit of income lost. You are right though, I'm kicking myself for not just sticking to my guns the first time I ended it with him

I reckon things are really going to improve for you on the love front now you've realised this man is a time and energy waster. Hope you shine at the event. Only approach him, if you feel up to it, or it's strictly necessary. You'll shine at the event, I'm sure.

Be prepared though, this man sounds so into himself and what he wants, that the minute he sees you're really not available to pick up and put down when he wants, (that's what the friendship offer is about, having you on standby) he'll reappear, looking keen. It might be shortly after the event, it might be months down the road. It doesn't sound like he and his girlfriend are solid. Just my impression. So just keep remembering that this man is a nice looking time waster.

I'm sorry you're sad. But you did create this. He told you over and over that he still had feelings for her. You carried on seeing him. Now you are hurt and shocked at his behaviour. The man is a player. He's running true to form.

I also have mental health issues and he came round the other night and made me dinner and did the whole 'I'll always be there for you in a crisis' spiel.

This gave me shivers OP

This isn't friendship or kindness or compassion. It is parasitic. He seems to be getting a twisted charge out of all this drama and he is likely to do you massive emotional and psychological harm.

Reading your post I can see how he tested the waters with you and found your boundaries were wobbly. He's actively searched out a victim. He's tested to see how far you will go. He's not finished with you.

He is a vampire. Daft metaphor but it's time to put a protection spell on your house and buy some garlic. And STOP INVITING HIM IN.

And OP you need to seriously invest some time and energy in you. And I know you have plenty judging by how much you're wasting on this pond scum. If you want to be happy start working on your boundaries and self esteem. Do something nice for YOU every day just to start building up your defences against predators like him. Maybe take a look at the freedom programme too

I'm trying not to be harsh OP but I'm going to be blunt. He is no ones prize. And as long as you can't see him for the nasty, manipulative scum he is, you are putting yourself in danger. There is no prize here. Block him. Block him. Block him.

He is a vampire. Daft metaphor but it's time to put a protection spell on your house and buy some garlic. And STOP INVITING HIM IN.

Ha ha this made me laugh! Couldn't have said it better.

Please please please don't see him coming over trying to look after you as kind of him. It's nothing but manipulative. Either to keep your feelings for him going or just to massage his ego/make him feel better about the fact he's a massive indecisive twat who wanted his cake and to eat it too (which he did get for a while).

He's clearly had two women on the go at once. You don't need this kind of man in your life in any capacity. Maybe you need to tell him not to contact you? You work in the same industry you say so seeing him may be inevitable but you could at least try hard to be assertive and establish your position and your boundaries.

Whilst you're still in contact you'll really struggle to get over him so please distance yourself as much as you possibly can.

He is a head fuck. Distance yourself from him, look amazing at the event and be super smiley with the ex/current GF.