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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Interfering friend

31 replies

Mellie1025 · 09/08/2017 20:39

Ladies... and Gentlemen, I need your advise. My partner of three years has a friend of the opposite sex that I can't stand. He says that nothing has ever happened between the two of them but I have a hard time believing that. He lies to me about when he sees her, she knows everything that goes on in our lives and generally she's a huge pain in my ass. I recently found out he changed her name in his phone so I wouldn't know when she calls or texts him. There is almost a 20 yrs old difference.

Today I confronted her about the amount of contact they have and she's so stupid that she sang like a bird. I want to go to her husband and tell him what I think is going on.

Advise please. I feel like I'm slowly but surely losing my mind.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 09/08/2017 20:41

You might want to ask HQ to move this post

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2017 20:41

You want to report your thread and have it moved to relationships.

He sounds like a knob. You know he's lying to you.

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 09/08/2017 20:52

I know he's lying and I feel like this cougar is holding something over his head. if she goes to him and he confronts me i know there is something going on.

OP posts:

thestamp · 09/08/2017 21:29

Um... She's not your problem... Your partner is the problem here.

You don't trust him. He seems to be trying actively to deceive you. So why are you with him?

TheNaze73 · 09/08/2017 21:34

Why are you with him? He's an idiot for allowing himself to be railroaded into doing those ridiculous things as you don't like her.
You obviously don't trust him, he is t prioritising your needs over hers and it all sounds doomed

Themostannoyingperson · 09/08/2017 22:02

Do you know when they met? Before or after you?

P1ainJanine · 10/08/2017 08:43

As Naze has said, it is doomed. You know he is lying to you about her, actively trying to cover his tracks. Why even bother with it all? The relationship is never going to get better, all that will happen is he might get better at hiding his cheating. Get out now and find someone who wants to be with just you.

Loopytiles · 10/08/2017 08:46

Your problem is your H.

Amatree · 10/08/2017 08:49

You're directing your anger at the wrong person. Your husband is the problem. Get some self respect and leave him - he's a liar who clearly has no respect for you or your feelings.

Mrscropley · 10/08/2017 08:55

If having his ego stroked off her means more to him than your relationship then just walk away. .
He is lying and likely cheating.....
And you deserve more.

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 10/08/2017 12:52

Thanks ladies. I'm with him cause I love him and thought we could make this relationship work. We both came out of bad married. I was physically abused during my 15 yrs marriage and he was mentally abused by his wife of ten years. He's known this women for almost 20 yrs and the general feeling from all our friends and family is he Pity's her but she takes that pity as he has feelings for her. I've even tried to be friends with her as she's not happy with her own life. Her husband moved out 15 yrs ago and refuses to return home but "visits" a couple of times a week.

My one friend says she sounds like a stoker and that I should contact the police. Do I do my best to make this relationship work or do I throw in the towel now???

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/08/2017 13:25

Hi op

Is there a possibility that this woman caused his last marriage to fail ?

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 10/08/2017 13:40

She had a part in it but his ex was having an affair with a much older man which was why the marriage failed. The last ex wife didn't like this woman either.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 10/08/2017 13:40

Telling her husband your as-yet-still-only suspicions is just going to upset a man who may well have no cause to be upset. Everything you describe has been done by your partner not by her. She, on the other hand, has only been honest with you (although you seem to think that makes her stupid, so maybe you'd have preferred it if she'd lied to you too?). As others have said you're angry at the wrong person here and now you want to upset a totally innocent man too - YABU.

Talk to your partner, tell him your concerns and see if you can work through it. Your problem is with him not with his friend.

MyStomachHurts · 10/08/2017 13:45

Maybe he is hiding the true extent of their innocent friendship, because you are acting like a crazy woman.

What prompted you to ask him if he has ever slept with her? Was it when you found out he had a female friend?

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 10/08/2017 13:56

I'm not acting "like a crazy woman" but thanks for your unwanted name calling (MyStomachHurts). I've known since the beginning of our relationship that he had a female friend but it wasn't until I met her that I made a problem. She's always flirting with him, referring to him a babe and even when we go out as group, people think she's with him and not me.

OP posts:

SteppingOnToes · 10/08/2017 14:07

Been here, it never stopped, I ended it. He had a 20 year history with her through 3 failed relationships. They are now a couple...

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 10/08/2017 14:18

I've told him if he wants to be with her then go... he says he doesn't see her that way... She's so much older than him too

OP posts:

DangerrmouseD · 10/08/2017 14:24

He seems to have a long history with her. You don't stay in friendship because you pity someone. Sounds like your the outsider here.

You say he broke up with his first wife and her marriage isn't right.

My question would be, what has stopped them being in a relationship over the years?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2017 14:26

I'm not understanding why you are with him?
You know he lies.
Probably cheats.
Why do not think you deserve better?

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 10/08/2017 14:27

Danger.... My partner says he's not interested in her like that... never has and never will be... She's the one that keeps this going.

We were out for a family dinner one night and she called every five minutes until i finally picked up the phone and told her to stop...

OP posts:

DangerrmouseD · 10/08/2017 14:40

She calls every 5 minutes because she knows he will answer. She seeks the attention from him and he gives it to her.

He needs to remove her entirely out of his life and give you, his wife the full attention you deserve, otherwise you are sharing him with his mistress.

Original poster

Mellie1025 · 10/08/2017 14:43

The sad part about it was he didn't answer... he kept sending her to voicemail and she didn't get the point.

OP posts:

Therealjudgejudy · 10/08/2017 14:44

Find your self respect and leave this ego maniac. He is involved in an intense emotional relationship with another woman...that you know about and that he tries to hide. That sneakiness would be a huge red flag alone. God, some women really liked being treated like dirt it seems cos they 'love' these cheating men.

DangerrmouseD · 10/08/2017 14:45

This must be knocking at your self esteem especially as she is considerably older.

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