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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused

30 replies

Anne20 · 09/08/2017 18:39

Hi I wonder if anyone can offer me their thoughts or and advice on a relationship I find myself in. I'm 47, divorced with grown up children and have been in a relationship for over a year. I was with my ex from about the age of 16 so dating ect is all new to me. I'm unsure of my feelings towards him and wonder sometimes if I'm over reacting and think to deeply/ negatively about things. I see him 1 night during the week and most weekends even though this is difficult as I work long hours. It's generally at my place as I dont really like going to his (man cave). 99% of the time it's me who has to do the cooking as he doesn't like eating out even though as I have said I work long hours. I mostly provide the wine for the evening as well as treats and nibbles. If I go to his he never has these. He treats my home like his i.e. Walks through the house with work boots on and helps himself to good/drink. He's a quiet chap which I do find appealing but sometimes when he visits he barely speaks a few words to me, claiming he is tired. He rarely asks how my day has been and even less so about my family/ friends. The only subjects he comes alive with are the ones that interest him. He likes certain programmes and refuses to explore others. If we do go out it's usually to somewere which interest him more than me and generally find myself reluctant to ask him to do the things I want to do as he doesn't seem interested in what I enjoy doing so I feel the outing would be uncomfortable. He doesn't have any family or friends and I'm starting to feel he is becoming to reliant on me. He says he loves me but I don't see how he can when we don't discuss anything deeper than what's for dinner or the weather. Another thing which bothers me his his short fuse which I have tackled him about and he seems to be controlling that, at I being a misery or is this man too selfish for a relationship or indeed am I??

OP posts:
Mummahasbanter · 09/08/2017 18:47

In the nicest way I can say it if he wanted things to be equal he would be happy to change it up and share not bare all on you so personally I think he's selfish

Pancakeflipper · 09/08/2017 18:51

It's all cushy for him isn't it?

I would have a lovely break from him so you can figure out your feelings for him. and then ditch him and find someone fun

humblesims · 09/08/2017 19:06

Have you broached any of this with him? He does sound selfish from what you have written. What are his good points? What do you get from the relationship?

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 19:11

Thank you for your replys, I think I know deep down what I need to do 🙈. Its just doing it

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Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 19:12

Thank you for replying, I do like the bit crossed out 😊

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Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 19:14

Thanks for replying, I guess not much if I'm honest. It's all new to me, dating, new relationships ect and I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions.

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thestamp · 09/08/2017 19:16

Yeah, this isn't really a relationship, it's more that he has found someone to cook, clean, spend money and wait on him, and I assume he also gets sexual attention from you, all without him lifting a finger. Or even giving the most basic fuck about you, iyswim.

You definitely need to get rid, it doesn't need to be this way!

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 19:22

No and it's not the way I imagined a relationship would be, post marriage. I guess I'm a bit naive and always try to see the best in people. I find it hard to believe anyone could be this tricky and selfish

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Sarikiz · 09/08/2017 19:33

I agree with thestamp your not in a relationship.
This guy is a selfish user and you should get rid asap.
Do not invite men to your house and wait on them thats not dating thats being a drudge.
Going on dates is the thrill of getting ready to meet someone the going to the cinema, for a meal ,a drink a walk in the park or whatever takes your fancy.

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 19:48

Hi thanks yes that's what I really want, some spontaneous dates and outings not sat watching tv, I don't want routine and tying down I want and need a bit of fun after my divorce. Again thanks everyone for taking the time to read and respond, it's good to get the views of others besides my friends and family Smile

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Pancakeflipper · 09/08/2017 19:52

He doesn't make you happy does he? Not proper happy.

Don't sell yourself short in what is being his companion at your gaff.

Tell him goodbye and go out with friends for fun things.

AuntSallyLovesWorzel · 09/08/2017 20:17

How did you meet ? is he of similar age ?... he is looking for an easy life by the sounds of it, you so deserve better.

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 20:42

Hi we meet internet dating and di have some joint interest but probably on a different level to each other, he is 8 years older than myself and has never been married and doesn't have children. He has just retired so is financially secure, I live in a beautiful spot with amazing views and wildlife on my doorstep, again it's another thing which I think he enjoys about visiting mine. reading everybody's views and thoughts I do feel like he's obviously comfy here with my hospitality ect.

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Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 20:42

Thanks for that, exactly what my children say

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Dustbunny1900 · 09/08/2017 20:51

Another voice added to the chorus of : Wow quite self centered isn't he. Also sounds a bit of a "user". Ditch!! You aren't there to serve him food and wait on him and only talk about/do things HE likes . He shows no interest in you from what you've said.
Next!

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 21:04

Thank you. Time to pluck up courage 🙈

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AdalindSchade · 09/08/2017 21:06

I really can't see what's in this relationship for you!

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 21:25

Nothing now really, it's plucking up the courage to end it in the smoothed possible way 😑

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thestamp · 09/08/2017 21:27

It needn't be smooth! You don't owe him anything! Remember that - his feelings are his responsibility. Be polite, but be direct, no need to do it face to face if you don't want to. It's not like you two are even close, he barely knows you!

TheNaze73 · 09/08/2017 21:29

Just be honest & firm.

You deserve better than that op

Hermonie2016 · 09/08/2017 21:51

At a minimum you need someone whose company you enjoy.Does he make you laugh?

If he doesn't have friends or family that's a warning sign.I suspect he is self centred and emotionally disconnected to people.Life, for him, might be about transactions not connections.

You need to know you are work much more than this man.

Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 21:53

Thank u and your right he doesn't know me properly as he never asks questions and I don't think he would totally understand me or stuff that goes on in my life and head

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Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 21:59

I have as time had passed wondered why he has no friends or closeness to his family and why he has only had 1long term relationships. I think I know the answers. I suppose I've made excuses in my head for him shyness, self esteem, confidence but I always come back to the way he treats my home and me and conclude that he can't lack that much confidence if he can be so cheeky, rude and disrespectful and expect so much from me

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Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 22:01

No he doesn't make me laugh just angry and unhappy

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Original poster
Anne20 · 09/08/2017 22:32

Thanks all of you, your comments are true and fair and have me realise I am worth more than this and deserve better in a relationship

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