Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Why do men get close to and loved up with women they aren't really into?

41 replies

Sweetthaichili · 09/08/2017 16:56

Why do some men act all affectionate, loved up etc with a woman who they then turn around and say they have no interest in?

This happened to me many years ago at university. I was friends with a boy in my year who I never thought of in that way until friends pointed out he clearly fancied me. Once I had thought of him that way I realised I liked him too. We became very close and at that time had such a sweet, tender friendship with real intimacy but we weren't going out as such.

After a while at a party and after a few drinks with me thinking we were both just being shy about our feelings I spoke to him about us getting together. To my horror he told me to my face he didn't fancy me and pointed at another girl across the room and said he preferred girls like her, a petite blondpixie like girl he didn't even know. I was gutted but later that night he took me to his flat and started kissing me and we slept together.

This pattern continued for a long time he acted like the most loving attentive boyfriend but at the same time told me frequently that he didn't feel that way about me.

In the end the whole thing upset me so much I made a clean break with him and refused to see or speak to him. Later I heard he suffered a breakdown and failed his final year, some mutual friends blamed me. Afaik he is married with kids now.

Ultimately it was a good thing for me as it helped me realise what was important to me in a relationship and how to look for it. I still feel sad when I think about what went on between us.

I've seen this dynamic now between men and women a few times and it always baffles me, no wonder women talk about mixed messages! It's also not something I ever see women do. Why do some men persue, act loved up with and get emotionally close (I understand the sex bit) to women they are not interested in and have no feelings for?

OP posts:

Finola1step · 09/08/2017 17:00

I think it is that some people, men and women, enjoy manipulating others. Nasty but true.

Shayelle · 09/08/2017 17:00

Men want sex and they say anything to get it?!

Lovemusic33 · 09/08/2017 17:08

Men love attention and of course sex, they don't necessarily need to have feelings towards you to want to sleep with you. They are good at making you feel special but it's all just a plan to get you into bed.

Original poster

Sweetthaichili · 09/08/2017 17:08

Yes, that is probably true. It's just very sad if it is. I remember being so confused by the disconnect between his words and his actions not knowing what to go by. I know other men say lots of nice things but then treat a girl like crap.

The whole thing really messed me up for a while but it made me realise I needed someone who was all it. I think it is messed up though. I'd never give someone mixed messages like that, it's so unkind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetthaichili · 09/08/2017 17:11

Yes, men do love attention and yet many consider this attention seeking, ego stroking and stringing along a female vice when they can be just as guilty.

OP posts:

ThinkIlikeit · 09/08/2017 17:14

They are just waiting for something better to come along?

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 09/08/2017 17:17

Sex.

They know a woman is unlikely to give it without feeling loved up.

So they fake it.

If you know they are doing it it's funny to watch the lovebombing but if you're unaware it can be fucking horrible.

thestamp · 09/08/2017 17:19

I think women tend to believe that when a man asks them to be their girlfriend, that means that the man wants to marry them, be with them forever, have kids with them, etc.

When in fact, the man in question may just really like the woman and want to spend time with her, have sex with her, get to know her, but it's clear to him that he doesn't have a "forever" feeling for her (which is fair dos, I've met men who I've felt that way about)

So the man is faced with a problem. He has to make sure that the woman knows she is not a forever prospect for him. So, he has to tell her clearly, if he's decent, that she isn't his girlfriend. He is trying to be honest with her. He is trying to tell her clearly, I am not in this forever, don't get attached to me, I just want to have fun, which again, fair dos.

Problem is that women have this idea that if a man doesn't want forever, that the man must think she is a piece of trash etc. When that usually isn't the case! He just wants to have fun, not commit etc.

Another problem is that the woman will often hear "you are not my gf", be heartbroken over it, but then proceed not to take the man at his word! She spends time with him anyway. She accepts what she doesn't want. She starts obsessing over his perceived "hints" that he actually wants forever with her. Imagines that it's a fairy tale of star crossed lovers and in a trice, if she just tries hard enough, he will see that SHE is his PRINCESS BRIDE!! Etc. It turns into a total mess.

This sort of thing is often a result of the dramatically different expectations of relationships that men and women are raised to have. Frequently men have, imo, a much more level headed way of approaching the early stages of a relationship in particular. Women are taught to completely lose their heads from the word go. It ends up really awkward. I feel sorry for all involved.

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 09/08/2017 17:24

He said he wasn;t that into you and wanted the Pixie (not a euphamism)
It was your friends who said he fancied you.
You had "a sweet, tender friendship with real intimacy" which, seemingly continued after you slept together.

He was consistent.

And yes, most men (like most women, I imagine), like sex. There's a crude phrase "Pussy is expensive, but dick is cheap", which is a bit nasty but still true IMO - and men know it too. Why would they turn down consensual sex if it's offered?

guiltybystander · 09/08/2017 17:25

Excuse me but you say that your friends pointed out that the guy clearly fancied you. Based on what? The guy never said it himself. He actually told you to your face he didn't fancy you and pointed at another girl in the room and said he preferred girls like her. And you still kept believing he wanted you. That's just sheer stupid. Eventually he had sex with you because you made it very clear that you were available to him and willing.

If I want to make sure that a man likes me I never ask some silly friends, I want proof from the man himself.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 09/08/2017 17:28

I also agree with you thestamp but it is shitty if the bloke doesn't make his intentions clear until a lot later into the thing they have going.

If he's upfront from the start then fair dos.

It's different expectations and communication styles.

I'm not the same as the average woman or stereotype of a woman in that I could in the past kiss, hug, fool about etc with a bloke but just like him. Not love him or want to date him but find him funny / interesting etc but not what I want in a relationship.

Sweetthaichilli · 09/08/2017 17:37

I was 19 when this happened and totally inexperienced. Even I thought he liked me at the time it really felt like it, he acted like it but I of course accept that he didn't.

I think it was probably shitty of him to sleep with me when he knew how I felt about him regardless of what he told me but to be fair he was only a year or so older than me and so young himself.

I couldn't and wouldn't do that to someone. As I said before my experience with him made me realise I needed someone who did have that forever feeling for me as described above and my next boyfriend is now my husband.

Sweetthaichilli · 09/08/2017 17:40

I still think it's disingenuous to act a certain way towards someone while just giving the odd verbal warning! Actions do speak louder than words and by just saying don't get too attached you are just covering your back while taking advantage of someone's feelings for you.

Tootsiepops · 09/08/2017 17:46

I think he probably behaved as he did towards you because you allowed him to. Had someone been so blatantly unkind to me after I'd declared a romantic interest, I'd have cut my losses and moved on would definitely not have had sex with them

NYConcreteJungle · 09/08/2017 17:48

I think it's a combination, neither of you want a healthy relationship. He wants no strings, you wanted heartbreak, which you got then dumped him, then he got the heartbreak in the end, maybe he fell in love eventually.

Neolara · 09/08/2017 17:52

Because they want to sleep with you without the hassle of committing to you. And because you seemed to accept the situation, he thought it was OK to continue.

Sweetthaichilli · 09/08/2017 17:53

Apparently he claimed he didn't but those who knew us both said he was miserable when I would no longer see him. I didn't want heartbreak I wanted him and just hoped he had some mysterious reason for not revealing his true feelings for me.

It's not like he suddenly confessed his feelings for me after the split, if he had I would have probably went back to him. I don't think I'll ever understand what went on between us.

ScarletForYa · 09/08/2017 17:56

I notice in cases like this, the bloke actually has his eye on someone else that he can't get.

He uses the available woman to relieve the sexual frustration in the meantime.

It's that simple.

StormTreader · 09/08/2017 17:58

Its the same reason that men have affairs - they like the attention, they like someone finding them attractive, they like having someone to talk to and who listens to them and they like the nice cuddly sexy part of relationships, who doesnt? But it doesnt mean that they'll leave their wife for it, or that they want the not-so-nice bits of a real relationship, the "being there to give support" or the "please dont do x, I dont like it".

NYConcreteJungle · 09/08/2017 18:10

I understand OP. Been there myself without the sex though. I wasn't in the right place to be with him, as not fully over something and he was depressed. He wanted me yet didn't want me. I never experienced anything like it with anyone else. I put it down to it not being the right time for us. He moved away, though came back occasionally would stare at me for ages in a group setting shyly just say Hi, then walk away. Before he tried to seduce me, he would speak to me.

thestamp · 09/08/2017 18:25

I accept you were 19 and didn't have your head screwed on yet... but:

The man says "You aren't my gf" "I don't fancy you"
He is affectionate and sexual with you (which, why not? It's ok to be affectionate and sexual with someone who you are not committed to... a kiss is not a contract...)
And you decide that, because he is being affectionate, that you'll ignore his words?

Come now. That's not his responsibility. That is yours. He told you how it was, and you ignored his words and hung your hopeful heart on his affection instead. You were only 19, yes, and like most 19yo you were being very silly doing this.

When actions and words are at odds, that's a v v clear indication that something is drastically amiss and you should stop going down that road. If you continue down it, despite that incredibly obvious red flag waving in your face, that's your responsibility. No?

Also... are you really going to accuse a 19yo man of being disingenuous, as if that is really something absolutely unheard of in a 19yo? I think it is very ordinary for a 19yo to be silly and not know their own heart or the heart of others... Your own behavior at the time sounds as disingenuous as his really...

TheNaze73 · 09/08/2017 18:50

A lot of men will tolerate average?relationships, just for sex 3 or 4 times a week & regular creature comforts. They will have no hesitation in moving on when they find what they're really after.

FrogsSitonLogs · 09/08/2017 18:57

He told you he didn't fancy you but knew you'd sleep with him because you liked him. He took advantage of that, but you knew how he felt.

BR62Y · 09/08/2017 19:13

I think you only have yourself to blame for this one really. You have him the green light and he thought go on then why not. I don't really fancy her that much but for now she will do. Men will do and say anything for regular sex when younger (and older!)

OntheAir · 09/08/2017 21:03

Sorry this happened to you, but he was a 19 year old kid, who has apparently moved on to the extent he's married with kids. In the nicest possible way, let it go.

On the broader point as a man I've not pursued female friends who'd been interested in relationships when I'd been lukewarm, but as a 19 year old I certainly lacked the emotional maturity (and sexual experience) to look that particular gift horse in the mouth.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread