Why do men get close to and loved up with women they aren't really into?

[Sweetthaichili]

Why do some men act all affectionate, loved up etc with a woman who they then turn around and say they have no interest in?

This happened to me many years ago at university. I was friends with a boy in my year who I never thought of in that way until friends pointed out he clearly fancied me. Once I had thought of him that way I realised I liked him too. We became very close and at that time had such a sweet, tender friendship with real intimacy but we weren't going out as such.

After a while at a party and after a few drinks with me thinking we were both just being shy about our feelings I spoke to him about us getting together. To my horror he told me to my face he didn't fancy me and pointed at another girl across the room and said he preferred girls like her, a petite blondpixie like girl he didn't even know. I was gutted but later that night he took me to his flat and started kissing me and we slept together.

This pattern continued for a long time he acted like the most loving attentive boyfriend but at the same time told me frequently that he didn't feel that way about me.

In the end the whole thing upset me so much I made a clean break with him and refused to see or speak to him. Later I heard he suffered a breakdown and failed his final year, some mutual friends blamed me. Afaik he is married with kids now.

Ultimately it was a good thing for me as it helped me realise what was important to me in a relationship and how to look for it. I still feel sad when I think about what went on between us.

I've seen this dynamic now between men and women a few times and it always baffles me, no wonder women talk about mixed messages! It's also not something I ever see women do. Why do some men persue, act loved up with and get emotionally close (I understand the sex bit) to women they are not interested in and have no feelings for?

In an ideal world OP the guy would've not taken advantage of your feelings for him.

But you can't expect respect from most people these days unless you're married / family etc and even then you sometimes don't get it.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But please try to move on.

I spoke to him about us getting together. To my horror he told me to my face he didn't fancy me and pointed at another girl across the room and said he preferred girls like her, a petite blondpixie like girl he didn't even know. I was gutted but later that night he took me to his flat and started kissing me and we slept together

Your saying after he pointed to another girl and said he preferred women like that, you still went ahead and slept with him that night?!
Im sorry but a blind man in a blizzard could have seen this coming.

He played you because you let him.

Some men like spending time with women who aren't high-status enough in looks for them to be defined by them as their partner. It is one thing to enjoy being with / sleeping with a woman who is nice, fun, funny sexy etc - who wouldn't enjoy that? - but if she doesn't look a certain way that will increase his status he can't say My Bird about her

They do it for sex. If they're not into you its not always that they want just a one night stand. You can be a placeholder for days, or weeks even months, until they meet and get with the woman they really want. All you can really do is think yourself lucky if you get a blatant sign thats what they're like, as opposed to liars who hide it really well

In your case Mr Fuck Boy didn't give you mixed messages. He told you plainly he didn't fancy you, and pointed out to you the woman he did fancy. Once he knew he could still get sex from you even tho he'd told you he wasn't into you then, he was up for it Feelgood sex with you was cool, but he wasn't looking for anything beyond that.

Its a shame you still think and feel sad about that situation but you've said it taught you a lesson. Ultimately its always "what if" with a man but if he shows you who he is then believe him and walk away is a good enough starting point.

It's interesting though if a woman took advantage of a man she knew fancied him she'd be shamed for being so vile to him.

Just shows how much double standards there is.

Men can't help themselves. Women can and if they dont, she's a horrid person.

Lovely 👍🏻

But the men are being judged here.

You're saying "took advantage", but (presumably, because the OP would be posting something very different otherwise) it was consensual - and both knew where they stood.

It's just as true to say the OP took advantage of him, in the hope that sex would lead to a "proper relationship" which he'd said he wasn't interested in. It was an attempt to manipulate his emotions, not in a controlling sense, but in order to achieve the OPs desires.

There were different motivations, but both used the other for their own ends.

For the shag. Men are like dogs, and a dog will take any bone.

Taking advantage of is still consensual.

It's to use a situstion to your advantage.

No I think people are saying 'you made yourself available - he just took the sex on offer' which is grand. But a woman in the same boat would be roasted for sleeping with a bloke to just wait for a better offer to come along.

When someone tells you who they are, and what they want, listen to them. He told you the truth. I'm a lecturer and I see these student dramas all the time, plus pregnancies, coming out, drug addictions, terrible ill health, and in one case, prison. 19-20 years old is a heady time. Many of us behaved appallingly. He has clearly moved on, married and had a family. Perhaps it's time you did too.

I think what went on between you is that he sort of liked you a slight amount, but thought he could do way better for his "real gf" but could get his rocks of with you in the mean time. He also thought you would hang around waiting for him forever and he d always have you as a back up.

Sorry don't mean to be harsh cause the same thing has happened to me.

Or he said he doesn't fancy OP, OP continued a physical relationship with him after he stated he didn't want to be in a relationship so for him if was a mutual agreement of just having some fun.
And if it's the same friends who said he likes her that said he had a breakdown because she broke away from him, I wouldn't exactly trust their word

Plewraith has it nailed. You're ok for right now and whenever there's a lull, but he'll always be looking over your shoulder (metaphorically) for Miss Right, or someone better, anyway. It's in his interest, though, to keep you sweet just in case he needs someone to fill in between times. And you won't let yourself see that because you'll be hoping that one day he'll see that you really love him and, wow, he feels the same way...

I think we mistake the act of sex as someone fancying us even if they say they dont. I think to a woman 'fancying' means just that - finding a man sexually attractive whereas to a man 'fancying' means sexually and personality attractive...whereas they could happily have sex like having a a drive thru milkshake - a means to an end. I also think a majority of women fancy a man and automatically think he could be become a long term prospect (strategic) where men are naturally tactical thinkers relationship wise. Everything is short term until its not.

All this men do this women do that is a load of bullcrap. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, we all use some people just for a bit of sexy fun at some point in our lives. Some men are attractive and I want to have sex with them but I don't want to be their girlfriend/wife, let alone live with them. They might be otherwise nice, charming, or would make a perfect boyfriend/husband for someone else, but not for me. They are good for sex and that's it.

Btw I think your man had a breakdown because you hurt his ego by dumping him. He probably didn't see this coming as he was very sure of you and the attention you were giving him. He couldn't handle being the dumpee.