What does 'romantic' mean to you?

[Yorkshiredahlia]

Just asking as I'm feeling a bit down about what feels like a lack of romance in my otherwise wonderful two year relationship.

I should say my last long term relationship with EA for many years and I know now that they grand romantic gestures I experienced in that relationship were all designed to mask the bad stuff. My DP treats me wonderfully well, but I must say I do miss the more traditional romantic stuff a bit.

What is romance? Maybe I'm actually experiencing it in the everyday niceness and don't appreciate it?

Knowing I'd been in a previous abusive relationship, and knowing that I don't like big showy gifts, he bought me a Refuge voucher for Christmas (equivalent to Oxfam goat). It's the single best present I've ever had.

Spell out to him what you want. Most men don't do subtle. Everyone will see romantic differently. To some it'll be a trip to New York, some will see it as flowers & to some it'll be a cup of tea in the morning.

It's unclear from your post what everyday gestures you mean, does he know it?

Good luck, it doesn't come naturally to a lot of men

Daft little things like notes on the fridge, genuine efforts to make you feel special, quiet treasured moments, warm hugs, a glass of wine put in your hand when you get through the door, spontaneous candle lit dinners, a fire lit for coming home on cold rainy days. That's the kind of things that come to my head.

I'm not a big one for thinking a partner bringing me flowers and gifts are a way of being romantic. Or the bigger gestures.

For me romance is understanding my needs and remembering little things. Or generally little gestures that show they care. That is what matters to me.

I think this is illustrating where I might still be a bit mixed up due to past experiences. We don't live together, but he'll bring me breakfast in bed when I stay , cook me dinner, be kind and thoughtful etc. I was a bit unwell recently (only a minor thing) but he was so worried and concerned it was really touching.

To me, romance is not weekends in Paris, flowers, chocolate, rose petals or anything like that. Those are cliches and the least romantic things I can imagine.

Romance, to me, is showing that you know that person and what makes them tick. Showing that you have paid attention and listen to them. It's about meeting their needs and not yours. It's not about ticking boxes or what you might get in return.

MrsHathaway's man is incredibly romantic.

The small things like going past you with a stroke of your arm, rubbing your feet while watching tv

What is the 'traditional stuff' you think you are missing?

A couple of examples of what I feel I'm missing:

The occasional compliment when I"ve made an effort to get dressed up when go out. I can come downstairs ready and I'll get 'are we off then?'. I might as well be wearing a bloody sack. The first few times this happened I was a bit taken aback as even my DD will tell me I look nice when we're going out! Once he did tell tell me a day later that I had looked lovely in the dress I'd worn the previous might but it would have been nice to have been told at the time.

Any compliments are most likely to be said when we're in bed!

Secondly, I totally get the thing about flowers. My ex would buy them when he had been an arse yet again. However, the thing is, I love flowers. I buy the myself and always have them in my house. I don't want him to be spending loads, even a few picked from the ones I have admired in his garden would be lovely.

My wife hated flowers too, always preferred wine. Always mindful to complement her when dressed/hair done etc. Even now we're splitting, will still do the same, as we're still mates.

I really dislike big 'romantic' gestures. I hate being the centre of attention and i think it's awkward. I love that my partner respects this.
I like little gestures like when he makes me a cup of tea in bed in the morning, lets me sleep in and gets the baby up, buying me chocolate if he knows I've had a hard/long day, making sure the house is clean so I don't have to do it (even if he doesn't give a poop if it's messy, he does it because it stresses me out) kissing me on the forehead. I love all these little things and they don't make me cringe but I feel so loved maybe your partner isn't a traditional 'romantic' op so either sit him down and tell him what you want OR try and see the little romantic things he is doing

I agree I don't like big gestures. Romance to me is about caring and respect. Knowing he listens to me, asking and respecting my opinion. Making time for each other. A random kiss on the forehead, taking my hand when we're walking

I feel a bit bad now!

He is very affectionate, will hold my hand etc. Seems happy about being affectionate in public (within reason obviously) and I can tell thinks about me when we aren't together. His texts aren't exactly overly romantic, but he is more expressive than he was initially.

So, he does treat me very well, it's just those little things like DadOctave mentions - after all, I compliment him when he's wearing something nice when we go out etc

To me romance is a load of bollocks with very little substance but I am an old cynical bugger to me real love is the person who cares for their housebound partner 24/7, 52 weeks a year often at great personal sacrifice

Romance is so over.
You have got a keeper OP

Have you heard of love languages?

An anthropologist in 1995 wrote a book. He theorised that everybody has two, a primary and a secondary. The languages are gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch

Identifying them is helpful in a relationship. Your partner doesn't need to share the same ones, but they need to know what the other's are so they can learn to convey love in a way the other understands.

Chapman (the anthropologist) suggests that to discover another person's love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often.

He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.

Helped my relationship out no end.

I wouldn't sweat it - day to day affection is more important. The grand romantic gestures and insincere flattery are easy to fake whereas real caring is a long campaign.

I saw your headline and was going to say that romance is: him running me a bath so it's ready for me when he knows I have had a bad day or sneaking out to get me my favourite croissants for breakfast in bed - which pretty much sounds like what yours does!

Don't underestimate being affectionate/sweet little gestures - I have dated some cold fish in the past (had a thing for super brainy but slightly emotionally illiterate mathematicians for quite some time) and that affection is a wonderful thing.

I agree that Love Languages might be illuminating. DH likes Touch; I like Acts of Service. Now we can translate each other we appreciate each other better.

That said, he knows I loathe cut flowers so OP and I clearly don't speak the same language

You've just reminded me that I did the love language survey a while back and I've gone back and looked at the results. My top two were quality time, followed by physical touch. My lowest was gift giving, with the second lowest being words of affirmation (I'm a bit surprised at that one actually).

Neutrogena - thank you, he is a keeper, I know that really. I just get a bit needy sometimes!

Just need to work out where he sits on the love languages scale ......

Glad it's useful! My partner is all about the touch, whereas I like the quality time. It's made me recoil from him less in bed and on the sofa, hold hands more etc (I'm all about personal space) and he makes sure he makes the effort to be present when we are doing things together (he's a head in the clouds, distracted type). It's done wonders for us!

You definitely sound more like Words of Affirmation and perhaps Quality Time! Perhaps do it again? Our likes and dislikes do change.

And definitely do his (or rather get him to).

Fuck it: I'm redoing mine. I need to love myself better too

Whatdya get MrsHathaway? Is it what you were expecting?

Last time I was Acts and I was struggling to remember what came second.

Tonight:

11 Acts of Service
6 Words of Affirmation
5 Physical Touch
4 Quality Time
4 Receiving Gifts

Bearing in mind it's out of 12 ... I think that's a pretty strong indication!

I'm doing my DC now. I think that's important.

I agree with Mysteriouscurle. Romance is nonsense peddled to us by the media. 100 bunches of flowers or candlelit dinners don't come near listening and sympathising when you need to offload, doing a fair share of the housework, doing a nice thing for you like cleaning your car with no expectation of payback or acting like you need to grovel with gratitude.

It is very very common for slightly inhibited English men to only express their emotions verbally after sex!