Moving on, head all over the place, avoiding a rebound

[DadOctave]

I recently posted about discovering the affair my wife was having, after a long frank and open discussion at the weekend, we have decided to amicably split/separate, whatever, we'll be under the same roof for a while. I won't go into the details, but it wouldn't have happened if we'd been 'right', and I've had to face up to the fact, we've both known this for years. We love each other, but we're not in love, we both love our beautiful DC's. There is heartbreak, but really I'm mourning something that already started dying years ago, and probably did completely around a year ago.

So I need to move on, I need to be positive and mostly I am. I will not lie, I have been very frustrated at the lack of intimacy and affection, and I look forward to finding that. I've always been a warm hearted kind genuine guy. But I've always been sad that I never fully 'lived' in my student and single years, I've only ever had 2 relationships, a short fling for 2 months about 20 years ago, and my wife these last 10 years. I was always envious, if not jealous of her experiences before me, she had a lot of partners.

I'm also really wary of the rebound, I'm starting OLD, but I don't want to end up hurting anyone by falling truly madly deeply but then realising it's because of the rebound.

I don't know if I have the self confidence (and certainly lack the body confidence right now) to seek out flings, casual relationships, no strings I don't know what. The same time I'm stupidly frustrated by it all.

I don't know bit of a ramble, I'm not expecting tea and sympathy, but other people must've been through this, I'm just wondering how they dealt with it, particularly from the Husband's perspective. I've openly discussed my dating plans with my 'ex' (I don't know what to call her), she's cool, finds it funny, but feels I am doing the right thing. (No way am I ever showing her my profile)

At a very basic level, I feel she's gone and had her fun, and trips away, had this guy, and she had all her fun before, she's even partaken in group sex before we got together ffs. I want my 'fun' it's not fair, but I just don't have the confidence and it makes me feel so miserable and pathetic. I'm a nice guy but I'm always at odds with this primordial base need, and my own desires. I've recently given up Porn (in an effort to save our marriage before this blew up) so I can get rid of unrealistic expectations and the fact it was the only sexuality in my life and the net effect of what it does to your body chemistry/dopamine/depression and so on.

Anyway there we go. That's that aspect, may post now and then about other parts of it all. And big hugs to everyone going through splits right now, we'll survive, somehow!

Just be honest & open in what you're looking for. I have friends who use Tinder for FWB's and are finding plenty of woman looking for the same

Yeah, not sure I'm quite ready for Tinder, I need to find out more, and keep buffing myself a bit.

I think you're right though, these early days I am going to have to be honest and open about this, the deeper stuff can come later when I'm truly ready.

Usually after a heartbreak or generally a separation I have about 3 months of licking my wounds or totally not interested in engaging with the opposite sex.

All the flings and fun can come in Time, you are single so there's plenty of it.
Better to lick your wounds a bit and take care of yourself first before having open or closed relationships with people.

First time I had a ons was in the pursuit of freedom and hadn't had the experiences you describe and the I was meh about it tbh, had plenty fun since but generally still meh about it all.

Think you really need to have a focused head when doing these things as not to damage your own self esteem.

Yeah tbh I bounce between feeling sorted and a complete and utter mess right now, I am not one to wish my life away but I want to fast forward 6-12 months now. Right at this minute I feel completely drained of all energy, not been able to focus on work for days (I'm self employed so this means I'm losing money)

I need to tell my family, but I need to do it in person, and they're all away, live elsewhere right now. Going to see a very old friend on Friday who has been through all this himself, hope I can put the world to rights in my head a bit then.

I did tinder ridiculously early after marriage breakdown. I felt as you did. I had been so lonely and drained for so long. I decided I just needed company - I didn't look further than the next date.

It was really the best way for me. When I felt myself being pulled into "but I want a LRT, that is how I'll feel loved ffs!!" strop within myself, I'd pull out my journal and write until the feeling passed. I worked hard not to put those emotions onto any new partners. Company is great, but I needed to find my feet.

I dated a few people casually for about 8 months. Then fell into a monogamous (but didn't have "the talk") thing with, funnily enough, the very first guy that I had a date with off Tinder. And then after about 4 months of that we ended up having the talk, and it'll soon be a year of us being serious. It happened really slowly and naturally. But you do have to discipline yourself to keep your head until you're really ready, and it's really right.

It's ok to feel a complete mess, I did. It's also ok to date while you feel you're a mess, I did. You aren't a supermarket product, you don't have to wait until you're at a certain level of "quality" before you start "selling yourself" iyswim. You can just get out there and be around people while you're still sorting yourself out. But you DO need to keep yourself disciplined and humble and not lose your head for the next year ish.

If you start feeling strong delirious feelings of love for some woman you've met, that's a sign to pull back, not jump in. If you don't think you can do that, then wait until you feel a little more strength. (I didn't wait. I decided I'd just be ok with feeling fucked up for a while. It was fine, but a lot of people tend to really beat themselves up for stuff and they won't feel fine with that.)

Slightly OT now, but I don't want to dislodge all the other vital threads going on here, so I'll just add to this thread, about making the separation work under the same roof. (But then this thread is also about me moving on, accepting that it's ended too)

So we need to make this work for a month or two until I sort out alternative living arrangements. My (ex) wife and I are cool, we're still friends and get on. This is important to us as we were friends for many years before we go got together, and really, very important for the DC's

We're still sleeping in the same bed, as neither of us can be arsed with the faff of alternative sleeping arrangements (no spare room as such, and the kids need to know where to find us at night).

We haven't cuddled in bed for ages and ages, but kind of strange feeling that's 'off limits' now. Also I'm still in the habit of pet names calling her 'lovely' etc (only day 3 I guess) although that + kisses have gone from texts. She's a good friend, I think we always will be, but argh, I need to work out should I totally stop all that.

I wonder if I should I make the seperation more 'real' by sleeping on an airbed somewhere in the house (oh that's gonna be fun for my back?)

I won't lie that I'm having to balance our friendship, being realistic about the decline of our marriage against my feelings of hurt and resentment at the affair that has happened, the other man is there in the background waiting in the wings. I know our romantic affectionate intimate love has been dwindling for many years, but there is still that emotional bond at the core that I'm having to break, the stability that being with my wife had brought, and now I'm having to learn to be like that without her. It's really hard

To be honest it's helping me to just type all this 'out loud' as it were.

Weekend can't come quick enough when I can catch up with my mate and also start talking to my family about it all, and get some much needed hugs!

Sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing myself several years ago.

However, you really need to focus on getting through the separation before you start looking for a fling. You can do it too early, and it can throw up all kinds of weird stuff in your head, it can upset other people. You're still sharing a bed with your ex - this is waaaay too early to be looking to bunk up with someone else.

When you're ready, when you've got your new life and arrangements with the kids in order, then you can start slowly with OLD (that's a whole nightmare in and of itself) and get your mojo back, meet new people, and have FWB or long term things, depending on what you want. It's easy enough to get first dates, it's easy enough to go to bed with someone if you want and you're not hideous or socially repellent.

The most important thing now though is to spend some time rebuilding yourself, your social life, your confidence in who you are, before you start looking for someone to sleep with.

That will come, in time.

The dating thread on here will give you insight into dating as a single parent.

Good luck mate

You sound like a sweet man. I'm sure in time you'll find someone special when the time is right.

Don't be scared to put yourself out there.

@Bant, thank you for your wise words, I think you've probably hit the nail on the head with all of that.

I've looked at the dating thread, where on earth do I start with reading all that, first page or the end? In the middle? it's so confusing.

Bedtime.... Used to feel so reassuring and calm, now I feel really agitated. I just want to stay up until I'm too tired, but kind of did that last night, fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon at 3pm when i was meant to be working. We're cool, but my emotions feel out of control. She's really calm, worried about the future but always so calm. I feel like I'm a wreck though. I guess I just need to 'man up' ( hate that phrase) and go to bed. It's made me realize once the dust has settled I need to move quickly sorting my own place as I think it's going to make me ill if I Stay too long.

Maybe I should just grab an airbed and sleep down here or in my office

I know how this bit feels. You're so right that you should move out before it makes you ill! You will be ok though.

It's very hard, this stage.

I think at the very least I need to start making a plan of action, work out the order of things. I need to get my shit together today with work + my kids, I've floundered for 2 days now, not good.

I could have written your OP. Almost the exact same situation however I moved on in my head fairly rapidly with the aid of friends, councillors and a holiday break away. Distance helps clarify things. As far as new relationships goes you'll know when it's the right time for you. Don't worry about the whole picture, just concentrate on the day to day until you have your own space.

Feeling pretty shitty today, I get moaned that I haven't taken the kids off her hands enough this holiday, but she forgets I feed them (breakfast, lunch,dinner, snacks every day), I dress them, put them to bed, do all the night time calling out answering, milk, dummies, nightmares etc. I do the shopping, all the hoovering, have been helping out loads with the laundry (3 or 4 loads a week, she does 1 or 2) oh and had the kids for the week she was away on a business trip but in fact with the other man + all the other meetups they've had including last weekend and this sunday.

Yes the marriage was on it's way out, yes both our feelings have faded, but right now and I was thinking maybe we should seperate soon anyway, I'm just feeling a tad grumpy and lost about it all, I am still hurt deep down, and yes we have the amazing DC's which is what it's all worth striving for, but I feel more like the lame geeky ex-boyrfriend atm rather than the ex-husband/father of the kids/someone who still deserves some respect at least....

anyway back to housework............ then back to my real work....

Just having a vent and a rant.... normal service to resume shortly....

Why are you caring for the children while she gallivants with her new man? Has she asked you to do this, and you've said yes, if so why? Or have you simply take that on without her asking?

You know it doesn't help to pretend that she has behaved well?

It would be better to get physical distance very quickly. I advise you to see a solicitor. Tbh based on your last post, she should probably leave the home as it sounds like you're primary carer of the children.

You will feel so much better when there is distance. Seriously. This situation is destroying your confidence.

I'd also advise you to work out a childcare rota with her. I had to do this with my ex when we lived in the same house. It later became the basis for our parenting split once I had moved out.

Seething with resentment while outwardly pretending you agree to everything is not the way to deal with this situation op... that's how preteen boys deal with stuff, not adult fathers of children. Big boy pants on, stand up for yourself and make things equitable. You're worth more than this.

Don't worry @theStamp, this is all helping me get perspective, I want to do it right.

I've posted previously on a thread about being conflict adverse and this really hasn't helped things over the years, she is incredibly good at debating/arguing a point compared to me, I find it incredibly hard to think on my feet in those situations, if I get frustrated, I lose my temper and that puts the end to that.

Yes she is off on Sunday, but I've laid down rules now that she has to use her money for all these trips (Basically she started a sabattical in January in order to be with kids/start new biz, so I pay her the equivalent in what she used to get after tax from her old job), but now I'm thinking I want a budget breakdown what she needs to spend on bills/the kids, she is going to have to make the rest up herself, she won't be happy, but I think that's fair enough.

I'm catching up with an old mate on Friday who has been through all this himself, and my family on Sunday, I think I can then start getting the RL morale support I need to find my big boy pants.

Childcare rota sounds like a great idea.... and seeing as we live as 'house mates' anyway, probably something for the housework too.

Where the hell do I start looking for a solicitor? Google I guess?

Understand about being conflict averse and how hard it is to think on your feet. My advice, whenever something has to be decided -- do it all in writing and keep record of it all.

Be honest with her in person, "I am under a lot of stress and verbal discussion isn't working for me, I need much more time to process stuff before I make decisions. From now on I'm going to communicate over email with you. I will take at least 24 hours before responding to any emails, nothing will be off the cuff, I hope you'll do the same so that we can keep things level headed during a very stressful time for our family." And then take it all to email.

If she brings something up verbally, "Thanks, you're right we do need to hash this out. Can you put it in an email so that I have time to think about it and give you a more complete answer." And then be sure to go and get some advice from a trusted friend, or solicitor if it's a legal/financial thing, before responding.

Keep ALL emotions out of emails. Focus on facts. Ask questions, give options and rationales. Use phrases like "Let me know how I can support you with this" and "For the sake of the children's wellbeing..." and "For the continued stability of our coparenting relationship", etc. Write as if a judge is looking at your words. Be pleasant, reasonable, but with some distance.

Keep feelings (good, bad and indifferent) out of it. Feelings are for your friends and family and MN. She is not your friend (and I don't mean that in a hostile way - I just mean - you need to get distance here so you can heal).

Solicitor - yes start on Google. Maybe your mate can steer you right on Friday? Be sure to see 2-3 solicitors if you can. Don't be shy to shop around until you get a good feeling.

I wouldn't ask for a budget breakdown. I would talk to a solicitor first. Be careful op. She isn't drawing a salary? Can you get copies of her bank statements, cc bills please. You REALLY need a solicitor VERY VERY quickly. I am starting to think you have been sold down the river and you haven't noticed yet.

You want this - enables you to search by area and specialisation

All of that is great advice, especially regarding emails, I will bear all of it in mind. Sadly mate lives quite far away, so can't recommend anyone local.

Drawing a salary as in from her work? She only gets paid sporadically by her new job atm, building up business it's kind of a franchise. The only joint account we have is for the mortage and bills, we've always had our own seperate bank accounts, credit cards and so forth. She's always managed our budgets though. I manage all my own bank accounts and savings for my business, she has a couple of accounts with savings for the kids, her rental properties, and spending money.

I have actually little invested in the rental stuff, literally furniture, my name is on the title deeds of one house, but I literally only put money in for furniture.

She is keen for things to move slowly at the moment and not rush, should I be worried about this? Am I too trusting? (i.e. she did go and have an affair behind my back ffs). We want to agree everything together and get it all written down together amicably.

e.g. I think we would both go and see a solicitor jointly and get them to mediate on any disagreement?

Thanks @Vermillionrouge

I'm not in UK but am in Commonwealth and, generally, you can't use the same solicitor in a divorce. You each need independent legal counsel so that you are properly represented.

Mediation is different - you typically go to a mediation firm, where they have solicitors on retainers, and assign you one each after the initial mediation (which will be with someone like a paralegal, along with others like corporation valuators, property assessors, etc.) comes up with an agreement. Those solicitors then ensure that each of you are adequately represented in the agreement, that what you've drawn up hasn't fucked either of you over, basically.

Again, I'm not UK but this is generally how things go. The upshot is, you have to have independent legal advice each. You can go and speak to a solicitor first, see what they say, and also investigate mediation and see if a mediation firm will take you on (i.e. if the split looks like it will be simple enough)

But you say she has rental properties as well? and a business? OK... I'm not trying to scare you but please get independent legal advice sharpish. She can use this time to spend ALL that money, dispose of all that capital. Get legal advice very very very quickly, this is urgent. Please for your own sake and that of the children.

Don't tell her you're doing this. She knows you well OP, knows that you are likely to be steamrollered by her. A solicitor is a perfect defence in this situation, he or she can be the one to stand up for you when you feel overwhelmed.

I know her well too, she isn't spending all the money, I know for a fact she's bricking it right now about how on earth she is going to live once we split, as the rental income alone won't keep her, and her business is only a few months old.

I am going to look in exactly what the legal steps are sharpish. I really do need to catch up with some local mates.