Moving on, head all over the place, avoiding a rebound

[DadOctave]

I recently posted about discovering the affair my wife was having, after a long frank and open discussion at the weekend, we have decided to amicably split/separate, whatever, we'll be under the same roof for a while. I won't go into the details, but it wouldn't have happened if we'd been 'right', and I've had to face up to the fact, we've both known this for years. We love each other, but we're not in love, we both love our beautiful DC's. There is heartbreak, but really I'm mourning something that already started dying years ago, and probably did completely around a year ago.

So I need to move on, I need to be positive and mostly I am. I will not lie, I have been very frustrated at the lack of intimacy and affection, and I look forward to finding that. I've always been a warm hearted kind genuine guy. But I've always been sad that I never fully 'lived' in my student and single years, I've only ever had 2 relationships, a short fling for 2 months about 20 years ago, and my wife these last 10 years. I was always envious, if not jealous of her experiences before me, she had a lot of partners.

I'm also really wary of the rebound, I'm starting OLD, but I don't want to end up hurting anyone by falling truly madly deeply but then realising it's because of the rebound.

I don't know if I have the self confidence (and certainly lack the body confidence right now) to seek out flings, casual relationships, no strings I don't know what. The same time I'm stupidly frustrated by it all.

I don't know bit of a ramble, I'm not expecting tea and sympathy, but other people must've been through this, I'm just wondering how they dealt with it, particularly from the Husband's perspective. I've openly discussed my dating plans with my 'ex' (I don't know what to call her), she's cool, finds it funny, but feels I am doing the right thing. (No way am I ever showing her my profile)

At a very basic level, I feel she's gone and had her fun, and trips away, had this guy, and she had all her fun before, she's even partaken in group sex before we got together ffs. I want my 'fun' it's not fair, but I just don't have the confidence and it makes me feel so miserable and pathetic. I'm a nice guy but I'm always at odds with this primordial base need, and my own desires. I've recently given up Porn (in an effort to save our marriage before this blew up) so I can get rid of unrealistic expectations and the fact it was the only sexuality in my life and the net effect of what it does to your body chemistry/dopamine/depression and so on.

Anyway there we go. That's that aspect, may post now and then about other parts of it all. And big hugs to everyone going through splits right now, we'll survive, somehow!

Dad - hats off to you. Whatever your feelings are day to day, remember that you're on a long & winding road; impossible to see round all the bends but we know road continues, regardless.

You're being calm & collected, your kids will know they are cherished. Please look after you. Promise nothing. Continue to email.

I blocked ex on all social media & we don't text or what's app. Too immediate, too ripe for emotion & manipulation.

It's helped enormously.

We also stayed in same bed for 6'months after split.. it was horrendous. Don't do it if you can find another way.

Good luck.

Thanks @MeMeMEME123

Yeah I think there'll be new living arrangements in the next month or two, I can't keep this up forever.

I'm going for a drive now, no one I can talk to in RL apart from on the phone, and that's frustrating

I promise to be slow and careful

Dump OLD for now, Reach out to a friend and on Friday night go out and drink some beer/wine/whatever your tipple is. I know its not the answer, shat to him or chat to others, something to remind you that there is a world out there.

you don't need to plan for the future right now, you have had a shock, be kind on yourself. One step at a time.

Legally remember that you each own 50% of everything that you have.

Back from my drive now, cried my eyes out for 10 mins when I got back, feeling incredibly flat, empty, still good sunset though.

Friday beers + home made curry with chats can't come quick enough. Although my mate has a horror story about POF he wants to tell me, not sure that's encouraging!

As ever big hugs to everyone else going through this and more tonight (or in the past) we'll survive, somehow!

She's on the phone to him now, strictly business I've been re-assured and can hear their conversation, it is.

It's taken everything in my power not to shout an aspersion, something obscene or childish.

Retreated to my office as I don't trust myself

The stupid thing is now after chatting to some friends I now feel worried about her, for her. i.e. the man has a wife and that is his 2nd marriage. Outside of their work, and travel have very little common interests, he is much older (14 yrs), would have to move away from all his friends, family etc to move to the other side of the country, as she won't move because of DC's, me, her family + massive friends network also. Despite what I've previously said, they won't have two pennies to rub together, at least for quite some time. They only see each other briefly once a week/every other week, (Aside from that damned trip away, ffs) . What happens after a year? Two years? What happens when there's a real crisis, or 10 years from now when he'll be staring being an OAP in the face and she'll be 50?

Should I care about any of this? I guess most of you will say 'no!' She has said she is 'over me' and I am having to come to terms with that. We are still friends, I looked out for her before we were a couple, gave advice on BF's paranoid behaviours etc (I had no intentions at the time, honestly, she wouldn't have looked at me twice in those days) .... and now I'm like 'arghhh what are you doing??!' I know her dad was always like this with her mum (they were divorced), always like 'what the hell you doing with that guy?' not from a jealously pov, he had his lovely GF....... but ah I dunno. it's stupid really. As much as she's hurt my feelings so much over the years, hurt me with the affair, and made me feel bottom of the pile, I'm finding I still care a great deal about her, and this is even before we get to the kids......

It just feels like such a stupid waste. When I first found out I suggested counselling, she was like 'no way!' I've even suggested an open relationship (more fool I), but I think that's fallen on deaf ears.

I'm sure someone will knock sense into me in a minute, or my indignation and anger will boil over again and take over my feelings of remorse and worry.

I wouldn't be doing old this soon to be honest if you want to avoid a rebound thing.

And when you do get out there be honest with women about your intentions to avoid further hassle for yourself.

You've a lot percolating there dad

Sometime after separation, I remember suggesting Open Marriage as a way to save the family unit but was told no; that we could have a satisfying sex life together if only we worked at it .......

Never mind the fact that our entire marriage was sexless.... I mean, WTF!!!

You're trying to be all things to all parties here, and I don't think that's any good for you. Space & opportunity to clear your head a bit will be a godsend.

A little self-compassion will go a long way.

Just to look at the "new relationships" bit...

I was in a similar position to you a couple of years ago: little experience with relationships before my (20-year) marriage ending with his affair.

During my dating I have come across a few men who had only recently come out of their relationships, though, and I they really had gone back into it too soon. They just exuded sadness, and I'm sure they felt worse when we didn't get together, even though we clearly had little in common.

I left it a year before looking online for a fling - and even then instantly fell for the first person to love-bomb me :) Fortunately I wasn't really expecting it to last, and for him it was all about the ego boost, so we both just had a lot of fun acting like teenagers for a while then went our ways very amicably. Definitely a rebound relationship but it was great :) Now found someone who is much more experienced than me and it's been quite the revelation :)

Just these couple of relationships have really helped me remember that everybody has a different idea of what is right or normal for a couple - how much or how little sex, whether you spend your days watching TV or going out partying - righting the impression my h's behaviour left that I was a useless partner because I didn't do things exactly how he personally liked it.

I'm guessing you are at a stage when your partner might not be looking to start a family. I'm in my late 40s and it is really a different dating world to your 20s: no pressure to settle down quickly, you can just try things out and see where it goes. Wait a while before you start looking, but when you do, go for the older ladies :D

I think you should shelve the OLD for a while. I think you will need all of your energy to make your new life. You will come out of this the other side and be happy again but I personally would just concentrate on building a life for yourselves and your children that you love.
I'm just dipping my toes back in to dating after a 15 year relationship and it's a whole new world. I originally said I wanted to be single for 12 months before considering anything else but that was at the very beginning, I've been single for 7 months and it feels right now. It all feels exciting and fun not stressful, so I'm definitely in the right place mentally.

Yeah I've calmed down quite a bit from earlier in the week regarding OLD, liaisons etc, too busy struggling with other emotional turmoil and working out what the plan of action is. Made a firm decision today to start looking after myself better, poured all the sugar and cereals in the bin (apart from DC's !) Been using sweeteners all day, started doing Plank excercises, ordered a new beard trimmer (clean shaving makes me so raw!), new brushes for my electric toothbrush, bought new headphones to replace the ones I smashed whilst angry last weekend. sigh

When I do hit the scene, I will most certainly be looking up older ladies, I'm 42, so I want to meet someone genuinely in a similar place in their life, and I feel I've got more chance to find someone with a similar outlook. I've been worried about my self confidence but even my (ex) wife reminded me I've got 10 years of relationship experience behind me, looking after the kids, and all that, I don't think I'll make such a hash of things with any dates this time around (Seriously in my 20's/30's I was a dating disaster, used to avidly watch 'would like to meet' on the bbc for tips)

Always seems harder in the evenings, I know she's messaging him, I made the mistake of re-reading the emails that uncovered everything this time last week again, just brings out so much hurt and resentment, despite the fact things haven't been great for ages, that I felt maybe in a year or two if things hadn't improved we'd need to separate, but I still had/have feelings for her are still there, I was steadfast and loyal forever, despite how frustrated I was, the betrayal and humiliation keep threatening to rise up and consume me. Need to keep pushing myself to let go.

Thank goodness for the DC's they help me keep it real every day.

This all sounds much more positive Dad! Especially the feeling angry part. It is a normal emotion and better to feel it now and let it help you to move away from the relationship than keep on pretending that what your wife did is ok and feel resentful and bitter in the long term.
I'm speaking from experience as my dad became very bitter after my mum had an affair and left him, he never moved on and damaged himself more than anything. It was sad to watch.
You're going through a grieving process and need to work your way through all of the emotions that will arise. You will come out stronger the other side. I don't recognise the person I was a year ago and am so much happier now. Keep going, you're doing well. One step at a time!

You'll have a series of lightbulb moments, where things will start to make sense. Not about what happened so much, rather what can happen and how you can influence that.

I hate the phrase 'good luck' because it seems so passive....so I'll say keep your mind open, love whoever you can and be you.

🌻🌻

One day when I had my head screwed on properly I deleted all the emails I found. Later on I was really pissed off with myself because I wanted to check he'd been as shitty as I thought and they were all gone! But it was the best thing to do. If you think you might need them as evidence, maybe give them to a family member for safekeeping, but don't keep a copy yourself?

I had private counselling, just for me - very helpful, recommend it - and the therapist said that many people find that in retrospect, they see the really bad time as being a moment when they changed their lives for the positive. I've found, too, that since the pain and anger started to fade, I've been able to concentrate on the positive things that have come out of this. It really has been a chance to make my life better, to find myself again as an individual, and to learn. If I do end up in another long-term relationship (it's not topping my list of priorities now), I think it could well be a better, deeper, more genuine one.

btw In my case I lost a bit of weight from the stress, and have kept it off through exercise and no sugar (mainly to work on my mental health). Without a disapproving husband putting me off buying new clothes I've also bought a better wardrobe. Wasn't fat before, but now look pretty good in the skinny jeans :) Just give in to the midlife stereotype, take up yoga and go jogging, go vegetarian and what with your trimmed beard you are going to be looking hot :)

hear hear Raven! Im losing weight (not bloody fast enough) but i think my stress and anxiety maniested itself in weight and as the stress reduces, the weight naturally follows :)

I really can't fault your advice @ravenmum and that really does fill me with hope that I'm ultimately going down the right path. One thing I've learnt from life is that everything bigger, better and positive that has happened has had some major scary event happen first, mostly career orientated, one family bereavement. As utterly bonkers/stressful things feel know my gut feeling is that in the long run things will be awesome.

Like you I think if I'm lucky enough to meet someone new for a long term relationship, it'll be me more genuine as you say.

The emails are getting backed up into the secure cloud storage I use for work, it's a bit fiddly to retrieve from there but I know it's safe.

btw I should note - no beard, just side burns and stubble . I've started Planking, jogging, speed-walking. Intend to start swimming again. Not sure if I'll go vege, but might help shift my belly. Sweeteners make tea/coffee taste awful, but better than sugar...

Had a great catch up with my mate on Friday, it just helped so much being able to to talk it through out loud, as well as get out of the house, get some space and be a grown up for a bit. (DC's are lovely but we all need a break sometimes!)

A bit of a wobble last night as she had to speak to OM about arrangements for today, I just went for a drive as I didn't want to be sat stewing in the house, when I got back we had a good natter about it all again, calmed down.

She's off now this morning to see him, yesterday it filled me with dispair today I'm just having a fun day with the kids and looking after myself, the sun is out, so now lawns, some DIY, off to see my mum and then a hot air balloon festival which the DC's will go daft over. Got my own things going so feel less bothered about where she is going.

Tbh this is the first early morning on a long time where I've felt positive from the moment of waking up. No doubt there'll be more down times but glad of this fact at least right now.

She's with OM today, although the split is a mutual decision, we want to be amicable, there's plenty I wasn't happy with, and was considering asking for separation before I found out...

I still feel sick this evening, gutted, it's awful, bloody awful. didn't help today has been really hard anyway, DC's have been really challenging, youngest loved it, eldest wanted treats/fair rides/everything non stop and moaned the nearly the whole time I was there.

Told my mum about the split (but not the affair), she said she could kind of see it coming, but was sorry, sad, I remained upbeat and positive the whole time I was there, but she did say she would have a little cry later on, that tore my heart out again.

It really, really is so very bloody hard, buffing myself up through this. Went and bought a load of new clothes today, shirt, jacket, etc, make myself more presentable, I've had to have the Levellers 'One Way' on an full blast and sang along to drown out my own thoughts. I want to cast out, grab my own life by the horns now, but I have so many responsibilities to the kids, my work, keeping things going.

I can't just up and go somewhere for a few days to clear my thoughts. I really want to. We have a family holiday next week, I feel very mixed about it, good chance for us to talk about what happens next without work distractions, OM/distraction , but I'm worried about keeping calm, keeping my cool and staying positive the whole time.

I just want to escape, hide under a rock right now. The trouble is, none of this would ever have happened if I hadn't buried my head in the sand, hadn't let my anxiety rule my decisions.

I'm not really looking for any answers, but it just helps to bash this all out on a keyboard. It's hard ringing my mate, he has shit to deal with himself.

Maybe I should get myself down to Mind, or get relationship counselling to deal with all this..... but then it's like admitting I'm weak/broken - I'm a touchy feely guy as you may imagine, but right now I'm not sure I want to admit that to the world (lol idiot I'm broadcasting this across the internet, 'hi snoopers' )

You should be the one having a little cry, not your mum! She should be feeling bad for you, not the other way round. Sounds like your relationship doesn't make her a useful source of comfort. In which case counselling sounds about right. I've had counselling. Doesn't mean I'm a weakling! Means I was active and sensible enough to get help when I needed it rather than suffering in silence then throwing myself under a bus.

I'd advise more general counselling, btw, then you can get help with your anxiety issues.

Hm, relationship counselling makes it sound like you still think you have a relationship - when that doesn't sound so sure at all, does it? You're still living together, yes? Hard.

You don't have to stay positive. You can be fucking miserable: at this point it would be more appropriate! Just try to avoid actual depression if you can by looking after yourself.

Please don't think that I think anyone who seeks counselling is 'weak' that was just how a personally felt about myself last night, and yeah I think I just need it of the general kind. Some context with my mum, it's 12 years this month since my Dad died, so always a bit lower than normal. Told my sister today and she's been really supportive, taken DC's out for a day out to give me chance to catch up with work and stuff.

And yeah it's official we don't have a relationship, but still in the same house, we're still mummy and daddy to our DC's , but we've sadly been 'house mates' for a very long time, there's a lot of issues to balance out, I had hoped we could try for counselling, but really the affair put the nail in that coffin, she's moved on, I need to accept that and let it go.

Anyway yes, I think I'll stop dithering about and give Mind etc a ring later on today.

Don't worry, I guessed that you were probably far stricter and nastier with yourself than with others :) Give yourself a break.

I was too pissed off for us to stay in the same house. The physical split was a huge relief.