Anyone else have NO family support?

[OhHolyFuck]

And how do you cope? And not feel jealous of those who do?
I'm NC with my parents for various reasons and ex-dps parents have passed away, no other family on either side...

Very little here either - ILs are dead and my parents are about 200 miles away.
My DPs will stay but DM is very very high maintenance - she won't babysit unless the DCs are in bed, she won't change nappies (now at least DD isn't in nappies even at night, but it was meaning she wouldn't put her to bed) and she complains about all arrangements in our house e.g. where the lights are, where the chairs are, where the TV is, how you work the TV, where we put the fridge etc., meaning that she wants everything rearranged (at least, everything so far except the fridge) before she will babysit.
She has actually offered to come and stay if I am away for work but you won't be surprised to hear DH has declined her kind offer.
DF (they are divorced) is less high maintenance but also not helpful for babysitting.

I also get quite jealous of people who have friends who will drop everything and come round. In fact probably more so than those who have parents who help.

We just end up paying for our childcare - our DCs have a variety of people that we make sure they are used to in case we have to use them in an emergency.

No family support here either. I'm a single parent (my choice), parents long gone and see little of my siblings even though they are local. I rely on paid childcare as I work part time and get no alone time to do stuff. I have a few friends but don't feel able to call on them for help unless I'm desperate. I worry about what would happen if I was ill and had to go into hospital or was unable to look after dd. It's very lonely and I do sometimes feel jealous of people who get lots of family help and support. I just have to get on with it as I can't do much about it. You can't force family to be interested and involved.

The thing is it is easy to wish you lived closer to parents etc, but often it's a double edged sword. I had eight years living at the other end of the country from both sets of grandparents. We moved so we could be closer Wha happened? My parents were totally disinterested. After several years of blatant disinterest i cut contact with them for three years. I have never forgiven them. The other set were more active, but actually never forged any sort of meaningful relationship unfortunately. My siblings are not interested. My sister had children much later and is now incensed that I am not living for every moment of her children's lives... can't see the irony.
we moved constantly with my husband's job so found it difficult to make lasting friends. The result was a very tight knit family, so my children are perhaps more bonded than most. There is no one to say 'remember this, or remember that' to outside our immediate circle and i have struggled with the isolation and loneliness. i simply don't understand relatives who don't want to know their own family or spend time with them. What i have found incredibly hard now is that now my kids are adults, the empty nest syndrome is far harder than for most people. Essentially, our children are our friends and only family which isn't really very well balanced.It has left me feeling very bereft.

It's something I struggle with a lot but more emotionally rather than on a practical level. Both parents are dead. Hearing someone say something simple like, we need to go to my parents or inlaws for dinner tonight but really can't be bothered. I'm like aaargh, you are so very lucky to have that option. I was lucky in the sense that I had great parents however lost them when I was in my 20 before my kids came along. I saw how great they were as grandparents to my siblings kids and feel sad my kids have missed out on the whole grandparent bit as grandparents from other side only saw kids once a year albeit did live far from them.

As for coping on a practical level, well it's either sink or swim. Got quite good at swimming now after lots of practice

No grandparents here. Well, one with advanced dementia but he didn't care about the dcs when he had some faculties.

When the dcs were younger I didn't work. There was zero back-up and dh works long hours/away from home a lot so the decision for me to be a SAHM was no decision, really.

Now the dcs are older I feel sad that there is no one to share in their triumphs and disasters. Ds recently had a Great Triumph. The only person who was truly pleased for him was the elderly next-door-neighbour. It really comes home to you that the only people who feel proud of your dcs are you and grandparents. Siblings not so much, and even less so if they have their own dcs.

Us four DC no grandparents.

Yes it's very hard especially when you get invited to things and cannot go because of lack of childcare.

Oh don't even go there with my one sibling (DH has none).

I am relatively confident that my DB would help clear out my DM's house after a death/moving into a home. Mainly because he would want all her stuff.

Other than that, he only contacts me when he wants something (latest: technical advice, and somewhere to stop off on the way to somewhere. Before that, borrowing something, and to push his particular political agenda on me and DM).

I wouldn't trust him with a potplant, anyway, let alone my precious DCs. I'm aghast at how he treats his own DCs who I feel really sorry for.

My parents have been basically disinterested and there is hardly any family now on either side to speak of anyway. I have often felt lonely over the years due to lack of overall family support and my son is now an adult.

I can certainly relate to this comment made by another poster particularly the last part:-

"I just feel sad that there are no other adults in my children's life that love them and that every adult that spends time with them is because I pay them or it's their job"

That was very much the case when DS was younger too.

I also used to put down a friend's contact number for the school re any emergencies; she used me as a contact for such emergencies as well.

On my side my single brother is imminently going to work overseas for 6 months so I will not see him face to face (except on FaceTime). BIL also has no children so there are no cousins to speak of either. I have no SILs, FIL is deceased (not that he was ever all that interested in family either) and MIL is a cow of the first order.

I left my son's dad when 5 months preg due to horrific violence & for safety reasons cannot have contact with any of his family.

I'm estranged from both my parents & only send cards to brother.

It's me & my son. He's now 19, but has had over 20 operations, countless hospital stays & appointments, long term physical disabilities & chronic health issues. BUT I've done it all myself. I gave up my career to be his carer.

I'm not the type to ask for help, but that's how I prefer it.

Today he got offered a place at university & I'm proud to have given him a stable home life, full of love & everything I could give him.

I do get jealous sometimes, but with my family, I'm best rid, and with my choice in men, I'm much better on my own!! Lol.

I went through a period of resentment but when I think of all I'm grateful for, we're doing fine.

hugs to us all doing it without support.

We cope because we've never known anything else, like other people -- all our families are in our home country, and as all four parents are in poor health and in their late 70s, there's no question of them flying in to help in a emergency.

Thanks guys, I didn't expect this to get the response it has
Means a lot to know there are others in this position, even if I feel sad that you are too and wouldn't wish it on anyone

Ds2 is being assessed for 'something' and means he's quite particular about needing certain things to settle, only one friend has bothered to learn what he needs (and obviously means no ad-hoc sitters) but so sadly she has terminal cancer and is in a lot of pain in the evenings and needs her morphine so can only help out in life or death emergencies, not just because I fancy a trip to the cinema or something

That thing about being able to say 'do you remember' struck a cord too, now ex-dp and I have split, there's no one to say that too

I'm about to have my first DC, and don't have anything in the way of grandparents to help.

Lost my mum to cancer.
My dad lives far away, and we can't drive.
DH's mum is fully disabled.
DH's dad is estranged.

Lucky enough to have friends who understand the absence of parents. Also hoping to find a babysitter locally.

We live abroad and DH only has his mum now. She loves the kids and we see her lot but she's 85 and totally scatty, has never looked after the kids on her own. Wondering about a bit of dementia now, although she's been like this since I've known her tbh. My dad was an alcoholic who died before my kids were born and we've been estranged from my mum for 3 years. DH does have cousins in the nearest city and we see them a couple of times a year, but would have to be an emergency for them to help out as they all have their own grown up lives and families.
The hardest thing has been NC with my mum, but it's still easier than having her around.

I always find it a harder pill to swallow that we do have DHs parents near but they would never help (we have always known to never ask) and they have complained to me when they have had to be emergency cover for BILs older children.

My parents live overseas and when they are in town (often) they will look after the children but very much on their terms and they are incredibly unreliable - they run late, 'forget', come out with lines like 'oh we decided we wanted to go do xy and z today instead' etc etc. They even joined us on a holiday under the guise they would like to join us so they could take the children during the day and they would look after them and give us a break - did they fuck - in one whole week they looked after them for 2-3 hours. Very annoying as we could have booked childcare at the resort and we wouldn't have had my parents on the holiday with us - they were like extra children, asking us what time we would be at lunch and then suggesting that time didn't work for them so could we move it etc. They've let us down so often we dare not rely on them as it just leads to disappointment.

Our eldest is nearly 3 now and we have concluded that we just have to pay for help and any kind of cover. Just the way it is - stressful as I know that really it all rests with me (DH also useless) and the military level of organisation and ensuring all support people are in place is exhausting. I'm aware that I'm fortunate that I can pay for the help so am hesitant to feel too hard done by.

Us. Both granddads died, my mum has dementia and mil is 250 miles away and doesn't travel. Close to my brother and his family but they are 3 hrs drive away so they cant help.

Dc are 3 and 1 and we haven't had a night out together alone since oldest born. All our friends have their own families local to help. I feel increasingly resentful of the help others have, as the jump from 1 to 2 children has been much more difficult than i thought. Our lack of support hit home when i gave birth to dc2 - a deciding factor in having a planned section was that we had no childcare past 5pm for dc1. I was anxious he wouldnt be born in time for dh to get back! Also no childcare for last 6 months as I've been on mat leave so had to take toddler and baby to my smear last week. I cant help but feel jealous of friends who have ad hoc help, regular childcare, joint holidays etc. Their dc just have a huge advantage.

I so miss my parents who would have been fantastic gps, and a huge help to me. I feel sad for dc when they become old enough to understand.

I often post this story on MN: at dd's play school I hopefully enquired whether anyone was interested in starting a babysitting circle. One woman looked at me quizzically and said, "Why don't you ask your parents to babysit?" For once (and once only!) I had a comeback. "That would require a seance," I replied.

DHs parents were killed a very long time ago now in a traffic fatality. He was in his late teens then so I never met them. He did have surviving grandparents. The last one died when DS was about 7 months.

My mum died when I was a teenager. My dad went very peculiar after this, left to live with a woman some 200 miles away returning sporadically (I was still at school!) Then after I left for university made it clear I could not return.

I went to visit him once when DS was a baby but it was so uncomfortable and we were made so unwelcome by his partner I left without even staying the night.

Our relationship improved after his partner left him but we were in London then and miles away. He did randomly help and he was always loving to DS and he had a good financial head on him, I'll say that much. Then he died very unexpectedly when DS was 4. I remember it feeling very unfair that I'd lost both parents before my 30th birthday! But then my dad never really parented me after my mum died. Gave me money but showed me no love.

I can see now how DH and I were two very love starved young people and we were a disaster waiting to happen.

As for how it impacts on day to day life it doesn't because we are used to it. To be honest when we were both working it did because of childcare costs and I kept arguing with DH in am endless cycle of it costing money to work and why bother. It is easier now I am just at home.

Most pertinently to me at the moment it is keeping me in an unhappy marriage because I just don"t know how one person (me) can manage the needs of a young family entirely and completelt alone.

Me! And I'm divorcing so soon to be even less. No siblings, my mum died of cancer aged 55 over 12 years ago. Friends of mine have childcare on tap, it's a different experience if parenting. I try to just get on with it and try not to be jealous, there is always someone else worse off

me! I am a single parent too with an exH who does NO parenting.

It's ok. I pay for support in the form of an au pair. Neither sets of grandparents have ever really helped - and both live too far away anyway so it's always been like this.

Another who feels it is important to build up a community around you (I actually think this whether you have family or not).
Look for something to join so you just 'know' other people - for us it is Church although I realise that wouldn't work for an atheist, but it could be a sports club or whatever it is you or the dc might be interested in.

I vividly remember the worries about giving birth to #2, and the realisation that if our friends weren't around I would have to give birth alone whilst DH stayed home. I said it to thr midwife and she said "Oh lots of women are in that boat, loads have to give birth alone whilst their partner stays at home with the kids".

The timings worked out ok in the end and we got someone go babysit and DH was able to be there but my heart goes out to the women who have to go through that alone but not by choice.

It doesn't work like that IME Backforgood as most people within that community have family.

Me! Single parent have no family near me. All live about 5 hours drive away. I just get on with it the best I can. Have a great group of mum friends. We all help eachother out where we can.

Not IME blackberry - through our hobby / volunteering, and through my Church I know all sorts of family groupings - including single Mum and ds with no family whatsoever on her side and no contact with the father of the dc, which sounds very much like the OP.