Aibu at Dh's apparent female age preference?

[fourtysixpercent]

Aibu to be hurt and upset that Dh 45, seems to be attracted to young women say 18+, early 20s college types? I have seen this in his porn preferences and in general females he seems to glance at, etc. I have also noticed he searched up a young female acquaintance's page on fb after I noticed him looking after her a few times in the supermarket, she's 20. Obviously I know men like to look at younger women, preprogrammed and all that toss, but I suppose what I'm asking is would you find this hurtful or am I being too over sensitive? I suppose this question is aimed at women 40s plus.

I get the attraction of youth but it feel weird doesn't it! My EXH's last four "girlfriends" have been around 20 he is 52! It feels like borderline paedo to me as many of his friends kids are that age...don't know what to make of it either .

Yes we have kids that age too, makes me feel even worse about it tbh.

I am under 40 but hope I am still permitted to answer?

Men are not robots, they are not preprogrammed helpless beasts that have no choice but to sleazily oggle young female colleagues, harass them online, or support exploitative, mostly misogynistic pornography.

Your husband is choosing to indulge in these behaviours, and to do it openly.

You are not being sensitive at all. You sound oddly accepting of your husband's quite frankly disgusting behaviour. Do you find him attractive at all, knowing how he views other women as primarily there for his sexual entertainment? Too right, anyone in a committed monogamous relationship would find their partner openly lusting after other people hurtful.

So YANBU to be hurt and upset. I'm just wondering where your anger and indignation is. You can't control his behaviour - but you can choose how you wish to respond to it.

Wow, some major leaps there Serendipity.

OP why not tell him how you feel?

I think we are all sold the idea of youth as attractive, especially in women. So I don't think I would find it surprising that he finds young people attractive. I was struck by a guy I had dealings with a few weeks ago only to realise he must be Decades younger than me. But I still think of myself virtually the same way I did 20 years ago, so my view of people 20 years younger isn't that they automatically seem too young IYSWIM. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to my DH too.

But the way your DH is acting is pretty awful no matter what age of person he seems to "prefer". I have no idea of my DH's porn preferences, I don't even know that he watches porn. I've never seen him "glance at" women in front of me and he's never "noticed" a colleague out and about and then looked her up on Facebook in a way where I'd know he'd done it. It's not that I believe he's never found anyone else attractive. We've occasionally teased each other about movie stars we find attractive, etc. but he wouldn't act in front of me in a way that was so disrespectful.

I am angry about it, and I've brought it up before, he just denies it, and says I'm imagining things, but his actions speak louder then words.

Eh? OP describes his porn habits and him obviously checking out this colleague in public. Tiny leap from fb stalking to harassing granted, but the attitude of entitlement is the same. I see my post as summarising plainly what the OP wrote, and my reaction to it.

Anyway - OP. How you feel about your husband's behaviour is valid, you cannot be unreasonable to be hurt or upset. That's your emotional response and it is not wrong. It's how you choose to respond that could be reasonable or unreasonable.

How would you like the situation to be different?

What do you want to do about it fourty? Does he still make you feel like he's attracted to you? Are you still attracted to him? Are other aspects of your relationship good?

YANBU

I hate the whole men are programmed and need to check out other women pish. It's offensive to men and women.

I'd be having words with him about it and make it clear it's making you unhappy. If he cares about you he will try and change and cut down if not stop completely. You're worth far more than all of that

I don't like this and find the thought of men in their forties or older ogling women in their late teens /early twenties as rather disgusting, as I would if it was a woman doing it to a young man.

I don't think you can stop it, he would just hide it, but I personally would lose respect for him. To blatantly do it in front of you is very disrespectful.

I agree with bluntness and with serendipity.

We've been together years and I suppose I just expected/ hoped his tastes would evolve and mature like mine have. It's something I've only recently realized in him and I feel very sad, defeated in a way, that I'll never live up to women with bodies like that again.

He sounds revolting. All my sympathy to the young women who have to deal with him ogling them when they're just trying to get their shopping done.

My DP must have missed out on this "programming". He would never behave like this.

OP, men who watch porn don't respect women. End of. Have him shape up totally or LTB. It won't get better. Sounds like he's looking to have an affair.

OP. I feel sad that you're thinking about competing and blaming yourself in some way. It's all him. He's just an immature arsehole. Leave before your self respect disappears entirely.

Quite nice being 40 plus and NOT being ogled and leered at all the fucking time.

Completely agree with Iwasjust and Serendipity.

Don't let his rather pathetic and unpleasant attitudes and behaviour make you feel bad op.

You don't need to live up to younger women's bodies OP. Focus on what's beautiful/attractive about you as I bet there are lots

Maybe treat yourself to a nice pampering session, get your hair or beauty treatments done or something as a pick me up. Or some you time to remind yourself your self esteem does NOT 100% rely on your husband

then go home and tear a piece off of DH for being a pervy chauvinistic pig

This is me in reverse OP, I don't find men my age attractive (I am 52), Having said that I don't think I would date anyone under 40 but mainly because they wouldn't want me. So its not only men preferring a younger partner. I love people watching and I have never spotted a man my age or older and thought, wow hes gorgeous, but have with younger males.

I've brought it up before, he just denies it, and says I'm imagining things, but his actions speak louder then words.

This is called gaslighting, it is manipulative and a form of emotional abuse.

Itsnotwhatitseems - I really hope this isn't you in reverse! Fair enough to find a particular type of human sexually attractive - but do you leer at young men in the supermarket in front of your husband, make him aware that you're looking up young male colleagues online, openly watch 'college boy' porn and then deny it and tell your husband he's making stuff up when he confronts you about it?

You accept that he watches porn? That is tacit approval.

I married very late in life (53) and had three longish relationships with age 40+ men before then. So that's four middle aged men I've been close enough to to know what their preferences were. And none of them preferred younger women. So all men are not preprogrammed to find younger women attractive. It's just some that do. You can only talk reasonably to him and hope he understands that it makes him look a bit pathetic and agrees to curb his instincts to the extent you can live with it.

Like itsnotwhat said, naturally we're going to find younger people attractive. He's been disrespectful to you though. Being so blatantly obvious about it.

I stumbled across his porn by accident, I wasn't supposed to see it. He was never supposed to look at porn in our relationship, but he does anyway. He's argued that when he's 70 will it be considered pervy to look at 50yr olds.

He's argued that when he's 70 will it be considered pervy to look at 50yr olds

Leering at anyone, and watching any kind of porn, will always be pervy....!