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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my DP asked my kids about marriage (positive post)

33 replies

harrypotternerd · 08/08/2017 03:42

Hey all,
I have 2 kids from a previous relationship aged 10 and 9. My DP I have known since we were in primary school and my kids have known him their whole life. We have been together almost 2 years and we are both very happy.
My DP asked my kids what they would think if he married me (they were very positive). DP didn't know I had heard because he didn't realise I was in the next room. I asked him why he asked that an he gave a vague answer about 'seeing what their thoughts are'. Do you think he is planning to propose? I don't really know what the point of this post is, I can't really tell anyone IRL because we have a lot of the same friends but I would say yes to him.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 08/08/2017 07:08

Sounds a bit creepy to me.

Is he generally manipulative?

user1480334601 · 08/08/2017 07:11

How on earth does it sound creepy? Hmm

I think it is sweet. IF he is thinking about proposing he is casually getting your children's views on it first perhaps? Which suggests thoughtfulness to me.

HighlyCompetentExWife · 08/08/2017 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
harrypotternerd · 08/08/2017 07:13

he is neither creepy nor manipulative. I don't know what gave you that idea.

OP posts:
Finallyatlast · 08/08/2017 07:16

I don't think it's creepy at all!

My first thought is what a nice man who's thinking of yours kids feelings before asking you (that's as long as he does).

I think you should just not push the issue any further and see what happens.

user1497997754 · 08/08/2017 07:17

I think he is being really thoughtful......proves he values thier opinion which is a really positive for you all as a family. I hope he asks you and you say yes and I wish you all a lovely life together

Bamboofordinneragain · 08/08/2017 07:18

It's delightful. Like asking the father for his daughter's hand, only the other way round. Good for him that he checks that your DCs are happy.
Say yes!

AuntieStella · 08/08/2017 07:18

I think the pp thought the action was creepy/manipulative, and was concerned if he exhibited more behaviours if that kind.

Because if you didn't want to marry him, but he's teed up your DC towards that, it would be hideously manipulative.

You state bluntly that he's not, and of course you'll have plenty of evidence (from all sorts of things you've not posted about) to outweigh the manipulativeness of this single, and quite possibly isolated, example.

InfiniteSheldon · 08/08/2017 07:21

Creepy? how fucking nasty! it's nice of him how exciting for you I think a proposal is definitely in the near future Flowers

Pannnn · 08/08/2017 07:22

It's a bit cart before horse and all and a bit clumsy. Children don't get a veto and it's you he show be asking first.
The children may have expressed a childish doubt which may queer the pitch.

VikingVolva · 08/08/2017 07:24

"Like asking the father for his daughter's hand"

Nothing like that. A father is an adult. Children should not be asked to participate in an emotional/practical decision of that nature. It's not and never has been up to them. And, just as you wouldn't ask DC if you should divorce, you don't ask them if you should marry. They are not responsible in even the tiniest extent for the adult's actions, and the role of the parents is to parent and support them through any changes to their domestic arrangements.

Asking the father is also a hangover from the days when he could veto a marriage.

Lelloteddy · 08/08/2017 07:27

I don't think it's nessecarily creepy that he talked to the kids first but I do think that it's a bit clumsy and marriage is something that you should be discussing and planning together. You don't want to end up in a situation where he uses the kids enthusiasm ( either deliberately or subconsciously) to sway you with regards ANY future decisions.

Longdistance · 08/08/2017 07:27

Aww, that sounds lovely and thoughtful that your dp was asking your dc what their opinion was.

Creepy? Really? Confused

christmaswreaths · 08/08/2017 07:28

It's sweet but also a little misguided for the reasons expressed above.

Original poster
harrypotternerd · 08/08/2017 07:30

I should have mentioned in my original post that we had previously spoken about marriage and both agreed that was where we were heading. He wasn't asking them to sway me, he knows I would say yes, he knows me better than I know myself sometimes lol (like previously mentioned we have known each other since primary school)

OP posts:
MeganBacon · 08/08/2017 07:34

I think it's really positive thing for him to do given you have already laid loose plans to head in that direction anyway.

HighlyCompetentExWife · 08/08/2017 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HighlyCompetentExWife · 08/08/2017 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cantdenyit · 08/08/2017 07:44

What if they'd said no, they didn't want him to marry you?

user1497997754 · 08/08/2017 07:49

I married someone and my daughter was 11....we married abroad and during the ceremony ny daughter burst into tears she was so worried that by getting married I would not love her as much....gave her big hug and reassured her that she was the big love in my life....in hindsight I should have stopped the wedding....he was a complete wanker and I divorced hin three years later...I so regret having a proper sit down talk with her before planning wedding to find out how she thought about it...I got so caught up in the whole wedding thing....I know that if I had realised how unhappy she was feeling I would not have one ahead with the marriage

RhubardGin · 08/08/2017 09:39

Wow, there are some people on here with serious issues.

Your DP sounds wonderful and how thoughtful to discuss it with your children, it's a big step!

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement Smile

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2017 09:49

It's not and never has been up to them
Cam you imagine ""dear MN. So DP and I have been together for two years and recently got engaged. The kids were hysterical. Not in a good way. They're 9 and 10 and have told me they don't want us to get married. I've told them to suck it up - the church is booked. Is it ok to rescind their invite?""

Of course kids can't make the final decision but asking them shows he cares whether they would be happy or not. I'd assume he asked them without OP as a surprise was imminent. Calling hon on the chat may have delayed the suprise so you aren't expecting it.

OP heard the conversation so knows nothing manipulative or threatening or creepy was said

Batoutahell · 08/08/2017 09:52

It's kind of cute but also a bit depressing he hasn't run it by you first. Like you're the little woman sitting at home waiting for a proposal. What if you weren't ready, it's only been 2 yrs, and now your young children know about a proposal and could be confused as to why you say no for now.

I personally think it's a bit demeaning. But tradition trumps sexism when it comes to proposals.

RhubardGin · 08/08/2017 10:06

Like you're the little woman sitting at home waiting for a proposal. What if you weren't ready, it's only been 2 yrs, and now your young children know about a proposal and could be confused as to why you say no for now

Christ on a bike 🙄

OP said that they had discussed getting married and that he knew she would say yes.

Her DP just thought it would be a sweet idea to discuss it with the children too as he will be their Stepdad and he obviously cares about them greatly.

Some posters really can take the nicest genture and twist into something ridiculous!

Batoutahell · 08/08/2017 10:48

Oops Rhubarb, I genuinely missed where she said it had been discussed between them. Overall takeaway was that it was a complete surprise. So if they had already discussed it, that is very different.

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