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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I a mug?

23 replies

juanlegonly · 06/08/2017 22:18

I'm a 56 year old guy, been living on my own for 6 months and loving it, I'm very self sufficient, can look after myself easily enough, do my own laundry, cleaning, ironing, cooking etc, keep my home fairly spotless and I'm rather proud of what I've achieved.
I'm a very easy going guy, never demanding of anyone and always grateful for any help from any source, I'm as patient as Job and always willing to give my time and effort into anything that may need some extra input.
About 4 months ago, I started chatting to a lady a few years younger than me on a dating site, we met a week later for a drink, (I was driving so stuck to soft drinks), we had a great few hours, at the end of the night, we parted with a kiss and she said, "I'm looking forward to the next time", I replied, "me too"". We texted each other most days, even on the days when she went out of the country for two weeks with work. We met up again about a month after the first and we had a better night as I'd used the bus to get to the meeting point and I had a few drinks, no more than 4 pints. We had twice the fun as the first meeting, just chatting, it was a great night and I felt myself developing a closeness to her.
She had a walking holiday book and went overseas for a week, but the texts continued and in one of the messages, she actually told me, that I'd made an impression on her, I was very happy and replied with the same choice of words. I was very pleased with the way things were going and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had a connection with someone. A week after she came back, we went out for a meal and a few more drinks, (I was driving again, so soft drink for me), she asked me if I would like to take her home and without hesitation, I agreed.
We had a coffee, chatted a little more and she started kissing me, I kissed her back and I have to say, I've never felt s kiss like it, it was electrifying, we just kissed, nothing else. I looked at the clock and asked her if she minded if I went home as I was beginning to feel tired, she laugh and said, "I was just going to say the same thing", we both laughed and I made my way to the door, "oh, by the way, you forgot this", then she gave me another mind blowing kiss, "that will keep you going until we meet again", she quipped, we bid each other goodnight and a drove home.
A week today, she called me and asked if I had anything planned and if she could come up to see me as she had a surprise, I said, "of course, you don't need to ask", within an hour, she arrived, I was stopped at the door with "the kiss that would stop a train", that was followed by a wink and a squeeze of my bum, she informed me, that she was putting her house up for sale and buying one nearer me and better for work. She was rather excited and happy, as was I, she asked me if I'd had lunch, I confirmed I hadn't, she said, "OK, I'm treating you to lunch, lets go". We had lunch, then a drink on the walk home in another pub, we had a coffee, a lengthy snogging session and she had to go, as she had told me earlier, that she had some work to do.
I was the perfect gent, I did not touch any of her with out invite and she thanked me for doing so, she did say, "I will make it up to you and I'll make you the happiest you've ever been". I said nothing, just smiled and nodded, I walked her to her car and was given "the kiss", said goodbye and she drove away.
I texted her, emailed and called her all week and have heard nothing, it's like she's vanished, apart from being worried where she may be and scared for her safety, I'm gutted as we were getting on so well and although I know I've done nothing wrong or said anything untoward, I'm wondering has something upset her or has she been laying games with me all along?

Just as I feel like I'm getting back on track, I get another kick in the stomach, I feel horrible, scared, disappointed, puzzled and just plainly at a loss. Have I been played?

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 06/08/2017 22:54

No you're not a mug you sound like a lovely man. It sounds like she's met somebody else and instead of telling you she's "ghosted" you. It's very annoying and frustrating and it's happened to lots of us out here trying to date.

There's a dating thread on the relationship board, they are a really friendly bunch and will give loads of support to help you navigate through the dating minefield. Good luck

PrettyGreyEyes · 07/08/2017 00:59

No youre not a mug, just unused to online dating.

She's been teasing you and drawing you in to make herself feel better but has now (probably) met someone else, or, she's decided to focus all her attention on one of the other men she was probably seeing.

Youve made a rooky mistake in overinvesting in one person. Online dating is different to real life. People do all kinds of things they wouldnt normally do.

Put it behind you and look for others. Dont overinvest in one person (date a few); this allows you to take your time getting to know people and stops you becoming obsessed with any particular woman.

Join the dating thread (under 'Body & Mind' / 'Relationships' - you'll see this scenario played out all the time on there. Ask Bant for advice - he's the dating Yoda!

You sound fantastic and quite a catch for somebody but take it steady and good luck.

user1497557435 · 07/08/2017 07:50

That's a shame. You sound like a respectful sweet man. If she's shopping around that could explain it. Play the field a bit & enjoy yourself x

TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 07:55

Not a mug. She's just moved on. A peril of OLD

noego · 07/08/2017 09:29

You're doing fine friend. Let it go. Don't blame yourself. Dust yourself off and move on. Shit happens.

juanlegonly · 07/08/2017 12:45

Join the dating thread (under 'Body & Mind' / 'Relationships' - you'll see this scenario played out all the time on there. Ask Bant for advice - he's the dating Yoda!

Hi, can anyone tell me where the above section is please.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/08/2017 12:50

She may have been wondering if she was ever going to get you into bed. I would probably give up if after all that he still didn't touch me. I would assume he wasn't interested.

Just another viewpoint.

emilybrontescorset · 07/08/2017 12:53

You havent done anything wrong it'd just one of those unfortunate things which sometimes happens
You sound great so don't give up on online dating.

LisaMed1 · 07/08/2017 15:54

Relationships here,

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

I don't use the dating thread, but I'm sure someone will link

Good luck

JetBoyJetGirl · 07/08/2017 17:03

Have to say, I'm with gamer.

I don't like the idea that respect = no touching/no sex.

She's clearly been doing quite a bit of instigating as you talk about her kissing you a lot. She's probably been wondering why there's not been anything coming back from you.

juanlegonly · 07/08/2017 19:28

Just to clarify something, we have had somed mutual play and some oral fun, but she told me I'd have to wait to have full sex. She's a lady who is into bondage and the being whipped and spanked, nipple clamps etc and she was on the edge of asking me to be her dom, I was really looking forward to it, learning the ropes and becoming her whipping boy, but, now, I have no idea whats going on. I've not trying contacting her anymore, I'm taking a back seat and leaving it up to her if she gets in touch.

OP posts:
PrettyGreyEyes · 07/08/2017 19:54

Just seen your update. it looks like perhaps (only guessing) you werent dominant enough and the attraction wasnt there if she did oral but wouldnt have full sex and she's found someone else.

Dont take it personally.

AgainPlease · 07/08/2017 19:56

You're not a mug. She ghosted you. Plenty of fish in the sea! Forget her and move on.

Pantryboy · 07/08/2017 20:01

You sound very strange OP , no wonder she has ghosted you

scoobydoo1971 · 07/08/2017 20:25

Put this one down to the new world of cyber dating. However, you should take care to be vigilant of chapter two from this lady. I would see someone telling me they were moving to be nearer me so early on as a red flag. You have to realise you don't know this woman, any of her friends/ family or what her true intentions are. She may be trying to reel you in for a scam...the fact she hasn't had full sex with you hints at some element of control in her personality. She may reappear in the future after you have had a significant time to miss her, with some 'plausible' explanation for ghosting...closely followed by some financial calamity that requires your investment...please be careful.

juanlegonly · 08/08/2017 12:41

Talk of the devil, I've had a message this morning, she claims to have been very busy at work (15-16 hour days as the bosses are on holiday and she is in charge of everything), and has not had time to get back to me. She has said, as from Friday night, she will have finished her extra work and she will have the time to spend with me.

I'll believe it if it happens.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 08/08/2017 12:49

So busy she couldn't find 2 mins in a week to send you a quick note saying she's ok but very busy? Bullshit! I don't know exactly what her game is but she's playing you.

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 12:49

Pantryboy Sounds strange how?

juanlegonly · 08/08/2017 13:23

I'm going to let her do all the running, I'm taking a back seat.

OP posts:
Maraudersmap1 · 08/08/2017 13:43

I'd take it with caution but you sound very level headed

ScouseBird8364 · 08/08/2017 13:47

Following, this is interesting Hmm

LoyaltyAndLobster · 08/08/2017 13:50

OP I don't think she is the lady for you.... I can sense something bad is going to happen.

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