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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

emotionally messed up and confused by the source !

11 replies

user1472402339 · 06/08/2017 22:16

This might be a bit rambling and self indulgent but I am trying to work put how to even start with giving myself a kick in the right direction to sort myself out.

I have a dh who is a potentially ltb but I don't know how much of the problem is caused by me and how much of it is his.
I have loving parents who have it appears not equipped me to be well equipped emotionally!
My mum had severe pnd and was hospitalized because of it once when I was born and once when my db was born, I was cared for both times by my grandparents, I feel my parents were great I was loved etc. My mum admits she found it hard to show affection not that I remember this as a feature of my childhood although my dad always felt distant, however what I do remember is being brought up to not be able to do things oh don't try that you will fail, I was wrapped up in cotton wool, and when I did succeed at things it was and is now still met with surprise, nothing is or was expected of me.
I feel guilt towards my parents I have put them before my family, struggle to separate myself from them, I feel sort of indebted and this causes problems with my dh. Who has tried to support me being stuck as a little girl but as the years go on he has lost patience with it and no longer is a part of anything to do with my parents, I struggle to know how to put things right, and I clam up when he tries to address it, I feel bad towards my parents always like I am letting them down, how to I stop this and has it come from them and how on earth do I show my dh I want to stop it, I can't undo the past, I don't know how to move forward.
I don't want to be a big baby anymore.
If I can't sort that bit out I guess there's mot much hope of sorting out my other issues.

OP posts:
insurmuntable · 07/08/2017 02:43

Sorry to hear you're feeling confused and upset. That is quite a tangle. It sounds like you could benefit from seeing a counsellor (either yourself or with your dh) who could help you pull the threads apart.

Maybe you and dh have just hit a bump in the road, but this doesn't usually make one question one's core emotional stability. It does sound like you're feeling fragile and lacking confidence. When I read 'I was wrapped up in cotton wool, and when I did succeed at things it was and is now still met with surprise, nothing is or was expected of me' it made me feel sad for you.

I'd say that usually if both partners want to repair a fault in the relationship it doesn't really matter who is to blame or whose parents were or are imperfect (everyone's lol) etc etc, you figure out what to work on and you both work on it. Making a relationship better usually doesn't involve assigning blame for a list of grievances. And we are all individuals. If you love and are close to your parents it might look to others like you're struggling to separate yourself, but this is you and your family, you do what you feel is right and unless they are abusive, codependent, disruptive etc no one else has the right to criticise.

I don't feel I have enough to go on from what you've written, but it gives me an uneasy feeling to hear your relationship with your 'loving parents' is being criticised and you're calling yourself 'a big baby'. If your dh is planting the seeds behind this that is a red flag.

user1472402339 · 07/08/2017 06:38

Thanks I fo fear it might be a red flag as I have had dh issues longer than I had recognized any issue with my upbringing, but things dh say about my parents ring true which adds to my confusion.
I had a little bit of counselling a long time ago I don't remember it feeling useful, but I do remember being more upset about my family than my dh issues, I hope if I can figure out what is coming from me I can then see what is coming from elsewhere and deal with it better.
Maybe I do need to see about getting some proper help.

OP posts:
insurmuntable · 07/08/2017 14:20

Well even a stopped clock is right twice a day. It isn't so much that he is right about your parents, I'd be more concerned about why he is so critical of them? Do they undermine or abuse him or you? Do dh and dp just not like each other?

It took me a lot of time to get to know and like my pil (they can drive me nuts) but I haven't been urging my dp to break ties with them, blaming them for his every shortcoming or calling him a little boy/big baby.

You've said your parents are loving. Is your dh loving?

Does anything in this graphic ring a bell? www.gosmartlife.com/hs-fs/hub/113316/file-2612416161-jpg/images/emotabusepic.jpg?t=1501634540297

user1472402339 · 07/08/2017 14:46

Sadly that link though I could easily point the finger at my dh he is a very long way from perfect, reflects a lot of my behaviour more than his.
I think maybe I am EA, I don't know how to unpick, but maybe the parents thing is a red herring, maybe its a comfortable place for me and dh to place the blame.

OP posts:
user1472402339 · 07/08/2017 14:47

I feel like a victim, but maybe I am only a victim of myself.

OP posts:
insurmuntable · 07/08/2017 14:55

Have a look: www.loveisrespect.org/am-i-a-good-partner-quiz/

If you suspect that you are abusive I urge you to get professional help (and that goes double if you feel you're a victim). Relate are excellent and I assure you they will help you pull the threads apart.

user1472402339 · 07/08/2017 19:07

Thank you so much that quiz hit the nail on the head I am the problem, he is a problem too bit I can only change my part and he is right I am pretty awful, he is abusive as well and I think by focusing on him being the bad guy I have forgot to look at myself, thank you for not telling me off and gently pointing me the right way.
Do I have to pay to see relate ?

OP posts:
insurmuntable · 07/08/2017 21:45

I believe Relate will do sliding scale fees.

OP, did you comment in Feb about how you'd like to ltb but you're struggling? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2864435-Non-judgemental-SUPPORT-thread-for-anyone-screwing-up-in-any-aspect-of-their-lives Because it sounds like you're in a very typical EA/DV relationship, not like you are the abuser. Is that why all the obfuscation here around your relationship with your parents, because you're ashamed or you don't want it suggested that you should ltb? Or is this a gaslighting situation and you actually believe you're the abuser?

If your earlier replies are accurate you really need to prioritise this and give it attention now. Violence, EA and suicidal feelings are nothing to play with. Flowers

greenberet · 07/08/2017 23:13

User - well done to you for having the courage to question your own behaviour and want to do something about it. I expect your parents relationship and your upbringing may have a lot to do with your own behaviour and the same for your DH too. Many of us have been brought up in dysfunctional families that we think are normal- it's only when we interact with others that we may start to question things- normally when we hit a place where we no longer want to continue being unhappy all the time. Don't be so hard on yourself we are all human we are all continually learning - please try some counselling - you can go via your Gp who can refer you

I've just read the link to the non judgemental thread - so very very sad

pinkdelight · 08/08/2017 08:19

Without knowing any more concrete details it does sound like the parent issue could be a red herring. It all sounds very abstract and long ago and you've not said how tangibly it is a problem now. What do they do that is a problem? What do you do that is a problem? As opposed to how you feel inside, that is. And likewise what does your DH do that makes him a potential ltb?

Without knowing that, it certainly sounds more like you've been worked into a state of confusion and blaming yourself, possibly do to an EA DH. I find myself asking how much loving parents and some fairly amorphous guilt about them can really be a day to day problem in your marriage, or whether that's being used as a scapegoat for deeper more urgent problems maybe?

pinkdelight · 08/08/2017 08:20

(Sorry I haven't read the other thread yet)

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