So I finally called the police on him..

[HelpPlease1990]

Not been together since Christmas, he has severe mental health issues, and is delusional and paranoid to a huge extent. He believes I've slept with/ am sleeping with all his friends. He's beat up a ton of people because of it. He believes our daughter isn't his: he had a DNA test proving she was, he truly believes I've tampered with the test somehow and so is having another one done. I tried to get him sectioned on the advice of MN, they couldn't care less.

He harasses me, sending me texts calling me every name under the sun, up to 20 texts in a night sometimes, he spreads rumours about me. I have severe anxiety now, because of him. I've been so depressed, and failing at uni - but I've got a new job, and things are really looking up. I'm feeling happy for the first time in a long time.

He is allowed supervised contact with DD, although she's not on a list or anything - SS believe I'm able to manage it myself. When he brought her back today, he barged in my house and asked if he could stay on the sofa. I said no, I wouldn't be comfortable with that and he squared up to me in front of our daughter and said he would strangle me if she wasn't there. He has never threatened violence before. I asked him to leave.

He refused, so I called 101. He said if I hung up the phone, he might think about leaving - smirking his head off like it's a given I'll do what he says. I knew if I did, he'd think he could do anything to me and I'd allow it. So they came round. Said there's not much they can do but they'll go and warn him.

I'm very glad I called the police as I feel so guilty my DD had to see that - they're not the sorts of memories she should have, she's so innocent and precious

BUT:

My tenancys up for renewal and his mum and dad are my guarantors. I have nobody else to be my guarantors. I couldn't rent in this area without one. I could move up north, but I have a year left of uni and I'd have to leave my support system here. And I love my house  he's obviously saying I can kiss goodbye to that now.

He's a patient at my new work. In there a lot due to said MH. He knows this is the worst place he could kick off and I would just be mortified.

I know SS will call tomorrow. He has just messaged me saying he's going to tell them all about my drink and drug problem I go out about 3 times a year. Definitely don't have a drug problem. Have a glass of wine or two in front of the TV a few times a week, that's it. But what if they believe him?!

I feel like everything, my baby, my lovely home, my great new job, my uni course; it's all at risk now. Everything I've worked so hard for since I was homeless and pregnant with nothing at 21. I rung the police because I wasn't going to start arguing to get him to leave in front of my daughter, I wanted to protect her. But now I've just fucked up both our lives? Everything's such a mess.

Dear OP, i am so sorry to read this. My heart hurts for you. He sounds like a real piece of shit and it makes me so angry that the police couldn't help more. Can you search for women's aid or Refuge locally? Also try citizen's advice. The local council maybe able to advise as well re deposit in exceptional circumstances like yours... Please try calling them. I am sorry I dont have more advice but I wish you and your daughter all the best

Thank you for your kind message. It's not the deposit I'll have a problem with, my student loan comes in next month. But with no guarantor, I'll have to earn over 30k for estate agents to accept me as a tenant in this area

I'd rather go to a refuge than a hostel, definitely. I stayed in a hostel whilst I was pregnant, it was so scary - drug addicts banging on my door throughout the night demanding money. I couldn't imagine being there with DD. Refuges sound more safe. And I'd like to move far away from him, but I'd miss everyone else so much as so would DD. And I'd have to try and transfer uni, or drop out altogether. Not sure I'd qualify for a refuge though - I've never been hit.

Did the police complete a DASH risk assessment with you? A series of 27 questions about your relationship history? Did they ask if either of you have been in the armed forces, or if he has access to firearms?

If they didn't, then they have either not completed it, which they are supposed to for every DV incident now, even if only a verbal argument, or worse, they have completed it on your behalf, answering the questions for you.

Ring 101 back and find out which it was. The risk assessment should be done everytime, and shared with the police specialist DV team and social services, both of whom can give you support.

They didn't. They gave me a card for a domestic violence helpline and said they would have to let SS know due to DD, though they said this was just due to policy. The policewoman did say she'd call me back tomorrow. Shall I ask her? How will that help me? Thanks

How awful.
Can't you just renew the lease for another year?

You did the right thing calling the police. Could you see the student support services at Uni and see if they can help you?

There might be options like transferring to a Uni in your home town for the last year.

Do his parents realise that he's paranoid and has MH issues?

They might be willing to sign again, as you have their granddaughter.

Ring social services and tell them what's happened. Tell them what he's threatened to lie about and say your willing to take any drugs test they want you to to prove he's lying.

Are you close with his family? Would they still be a guarantor since it's their grandchilds home?

Could you put your name down on the council list for a council house?

How long have you been in the property and any late payments issues, if not it's certainly worth explaining the situation to the agent and/or LL as they might appreciate and good tenant rather than risk going through the process again.

Also it's best to communicate with him through text so you have evidence of what he's saying. Then you can show social services and the police what he is putting you through.

One thing at a time.

• If he kicks off at your workplace, treat it as an opportunity to be cool, calm and professional. They know about his mental health issues and it will reflect on him, not you.
• Talk to student services about your accommodation problems. Hopefully you can just renew and his parents will want to support their granddaughter. If not, they may have a list of alternative landlords to use.
• If he chooses to escalate it to social services, explain the circumstances and the threat he made to strangle you. They will have heard it before and the 101 call will back you up.

You are doing the right things to keep your daughter safe. Keep documenting everything.

His parents just agree with everything he says. They'll do whatever (awful, I know).

I never thought that they might just let me live here without one. I've lived here a year and a half, no late payments, house is immaculate.

I do go to uni in my hometown, sorry if that wasn't clear.

I guess in a way I'd love to move somewhere new, away from him and the bad memories, and not have to live life scared and anxious. But I guess that's being selfish on my DD. Though the way he acted tonight, maybe it's not. And moving just seems like such a massive step backward after everything I've achieved for us. I love my little house so much

No, don't ask the police officer, it is them that should have done it in the first place and didn't.

Call 101 and ask why the officers attending didn't complete the DASH risk assessment with you. Someone will then look into it and make it happen.

It's important because it allows police to accurately gauge the risk to you and your child, and take action to safeguard you both. Officers will often just complete them themselves if there has been no injuries, and this can lead to cases being deemed 'standard' risk, when actually if the questions had been asked of the victim, it would have shown a different situation.

A standard risk submission in our area generates a letter with DV team details on. A medium risk generates a phone call to discuss how they can help you, and referrals to partner agencies who can also offer practical support. High risk has an inspector review the log before closure, to make sure all appropriate safeguarding has been carried out, assess whether a lifeline alarm is required, etc.

Social services will call anyway after a police visit, I'll ask them for advice. I will absolutely do any and every drug test. He's made allegations about me before and my health visitor told them it was all crap and I was exemplary and a credit to young mothers ()

Sorry, keep forgetting what people have said. I do try and do everything by text. I've blocked him for a while cause he's non stop texting me now about how he will get me sent to prison for fraud as DD clearly isn't his (this is after a positive DNA test and the fact she's his absolute double ). He's really not right in the head and after tonight I do seriously think he could hurt me, as he's so convinced I've done the most disgusting and evil things. But I've truly never done anything like the things he accuses me of. I'm the most boring, old lady 24 year old you could ever meet!

Ok, I'll ring them thank you.

Do people think I should go and speak to my manager at work tomorrow? Give her a heads up that there might be an incident. Ideally I'd like him to be struck off the patient register, but I guess that's probably not possible until he kicks off.

When you ring, tell them you want to make a complaint that it wasn't carried out. This will ensure that it is brought to the attention of the Sgt/Inspector.

A heads up for your manager wouldn't be a bad thing. Particularly if you have security at work, who could also be made aware.

Your son threatened to strangle me in front of your granddaughter when I said I wasn't comfortable with him staying the night. He was aggressive and wouldn't leave so I rung the police to get him to leave before he hit me in front of her. Do you honestly believe me and deserve to be homeless because of that? Will you really make your granddaughter homeless because your abuser son tells you to?

That's what I want to send to his dad. Sitting on my hands 😑

I will Florene, thank you

Yes I agree with others, a dash/marac should have been filled in. Am angry that it wasn't. I agree with Florene, you should complain. Apologies, I see what you mean about the guarantor business now. We had the same... it is a really a pain!

But I guess that's being selfish on my DD. Though the way he acted tonight, maybe it's not. And moving just seems like such a massive step backward after everything I've achieved for us. I love my little house so much.

It is not being selfish on your DD. Moving is a massive step, but it is not a step backwards. I am not saying that you ought to move - I agree with pp that if you have not needed to use your guarantors up until now and are able to meet the rent payments, then your landlord will likely prefer to have you in the property without guarantors than go through the hassle of finding a new tenant.

I would have thought taking the names of your daughter's father's parents off any rent agreement that you do have would be a wise move otherwise this is a bargaining chip that can be used by your daughter's father.

I guess in a way I'd love to move somewhere new, away from him and the bad memories, and not have to live life scared and anxious. But I guess that's being selfish on my DD.

It is not being selfish on your DD. From what you have said, keeping your DD out of the way of her father would be for the best all round for the time being. I am not a healthcare professional nor child and family worker and others may be able to advise better on this. Hang in there.

Are you alright tonight? Does your daughter's father have keys to your home?

Do people think I should go and speak to my manager at work tomorrow?

Yes, absolutely. Make the most senior person on at your place of work aware of what you think might happen. That way, if the situation does escalate, security can be called to de-escalate the situation and you need not get involved.

OP you mention leaving a support network, yet seem reliant on x

Sorry, damn phone.

..reliant on x pils for guarantor. Can this network not be guarantor?

He doesn't have keys, I'm ok. Though I have a 2000 word essay I've not even started that's due on Tuesday, and a 10 hour shift tomorrow. 😩 all nighter tomorrow night.

I'm not sure what you meant by reliant? I have wonderful friends/ family, but none of them own their own home. I mean they are great as in they collect DD from nursery while I'm at work, and are just generally there emotionally and as practically as they can be. The only way I'm reliant is this guarantor thing. I can't depend on him for childcare, maintenance is sporadic. My life would be a million times better and easier if he goes to prison where he belongs. I'm really not reliant on him, he's the complete opposite to reliable.

Oh sorry! I didn't see your second post, sorry if I sounded defensive.

No, my mum only owns 25% of her home - my uncle can't stand me and he owns the rest. My best friend has just inherited half a home, but it's with her brother who I don't really know. I don't know anyone else who owns a property.