So I finally called the police on him..

[HelpPlease1990]

Not been together since Christmas, he has severe mental health issues, and is delusional and paranoid to a huge extent. He believes I've slept with/ am sleeping with all his friends. He's beat up a ton of people because of it. He believes our daughter isn't his: he had a DNA test proving she was, he truly believes I've tampered with the test somehow and so is having another one done. I tried to get him sectioned on the advice of MN, they couldn't care less.

He harasses me, sending me texts calling me every name under the sun, up to 20 texts in a night sometimes, he spreads rumours about me. I have severe anxiety now, because of him. I've been so depressed, and failing at uni - but I've got a new job, and things are really looking up. I'm feeling happy for the first time in a long time.

He is allowed supervised contact with DD, although she's not on a list or anything - SS believe I'm able to manage it myself. When he brought her back today, he barged in my house and asked if he could stay on the sofa. I said no, I wouldn't be comfortable with that and he squared up to me in front of our daughter and said he would strangle me if she wasn't there. He has never threatened violence before. I asked him to leave.

He refused, so I called 101. He said if I hung up the phone, he might think about leaving - smirking his head off like it's a given I'll do what he says. I knew if I did, he'd think he could do anything to me and I'd allow it. So they came round. Said there's not much they can do but they'll go and warn him.

I'm very glad I called the police as I feel so guilty my DD had to see that - they're not the sorts of memories she should have, she's so innocent and precious

BUT:

My tenancys up for renewal and his mum and dad are my guarantors. I have nobody else to be my guarantors. I couldn't rent in this area without one. I could move up north, but I have a year left of uni and I'd have to leave my support system here. And I love my house  he's obviously saying I can kiss goodbye to that now.

He's a patient at my new work. In there a lot due to said MH. He knows this is the worst place he could kick off and I would just be mortified.

I know SS will call tomorrow. He has just messaged me saying he's going to tell them all about my drink and drug problem I go out about 3 times a year. Definitely don't have a drug problem. Have a glass of wine or two in front of the TV a few times a week, that's it. But what if they believe him?!

I feel like everything, my baby, my lovely home, my great new job, my uni course; it's all at risk now. Everything I've worked so hard for since I was homeless and pregnant with nothing at 21. I rung the police because I wasn't going to start arguing to get him to leave in front of my daughter, I wanted to protect her. But now I've just fucked up both our lives? Everything's such a mess.

You sound like me when I'm dealing with lots of stuff and need to take a step back to process it all.

Lease - as pp said if it's a straight forward renewal you might not need a guarantor. We needed one for 6 months after that we were told it was no longer necessary as landlords insurance would no longer insist on it.

Your daughter - is it a good thing for her to have him in her life? If not why is it so important to you to prove she's his? Personally I'd be celebrating his denial of paternity... Also, if he, quite rightly, only has supervised visitation why is he bringing her home alone? Can you go back to court to ideally stop his access or if the judge disagrees at least have it more rigorously supervised?

Your safety - why aren't there orders in place to keep this violent stalking arse the bell away from you? Try women's aid for advise.

Social services - literally all they will care about is that you are keeping your little girl safe. As long as you're doing that (including keeping you safe so she's not witnessing anything between the two of you) you have nothing to fear from them. Listen, ask advice and show she comes first and you'll do everything to keep her safe.

Your boss - yes definitely give them a heads up.

Take care of you x

I rented out my house for a period of time and the council had a bond scheme which enabled it to be rented to a family on low income.
Could you see if anything like this is available? Ultimately a landlord will just want to know the rent can be paid so perhaps will look kindly especially as you have a good history.

Lease - as pp said if it's a straight forward renewal you might not need a guarantor. We needed one for 6 months after that we were told it was no longer necessary as landlords insurance would no longer insist on it.

This is so useful and it's made me really glad to have posted. Thanks everyone that's raised this point.

Your daughter - is it a good thing for her to have him in her life? If not why is it so important to you to prove she's his? Personally I'd be celebrating his denial of paternity... Also, if he, quite rightly, only has supervised visitation why is he bringing her home alone? Can you go back to court to ideally stop his access or if the judge disagrees at least have it more rigorously supervised?

It's not important to me, I've told him repeatedly that he's welcome to believe that and to leave us both alone for good if that's what he thinks. But he said he's still her dad, even if not biologically he's the one who keeps doing these tests, I'm certainly not! Yes, he absolutely shouldn't have been bringing her home alone, usually his dads there. It never went to court though. It's just an informal arrangement following SS guidelines but monitored by me. I'm scared of it going to court tbh. Sometimes I have lost my temper back over text. He makes me so bloody angry. But I never instigate, never carry things on. Just sometimes tell him to fuck off after the 30th message that day. I'm going to suggest a contact centre to SS, we discussed this last time and they were happy to arrange, but they said hold off in case he could be useful to me for childcare. He's not. He's started refusing to pick her up from nursery so I can work. So he's no use whatsoever.

Your safety - why aren't there orders in place to keep this violent stalking arse the bell away from you? Try women's aid for advise.

I will. I guess in my head it's hard to view it as DV as I've never been physically hurt. But I never believed he would up until the past few weeks. Now I think his MH and whatever drugs he's doing has messed so much with his head that I am at risk.

Social services - literally all they will care about is that you are keeping your little girl safe. As long as you're doing that (including keeping you safe so she's not witnessing anything between the two of you) you have nothing to fear from them. Listen, ask advice and show she comes first and you'll do everything to keep her safe.

I will. I do. I've always had good experiences with them before.

*Your boss - yes definitely give them a heads up.

Take care of you x*

Thank you xx

Speak to your uni, anyone from the pastoral side. They may be able to help with accommodation if you find yourself in a situation where you might have to end your tenancy.

Have you got through on 101 yet OP?

I'm going to suggest a contact centre to SS, we discussed this last time and they were happy to arrange, but they said hold off in case he could be useful to me for childcare. He's not. He's started refusing to pick her up from nursery so I can work. So he's no use whatsoever.

If I were you I would suggest cutting contact completely for the sake of both you and your DD for now. Contact can be reintroduced when and if your DD's father is in a more stable situation and not using drugs. If you do end up in court, then that is where you end up. Either way I think that getting a formal contact arrangement in place is a next step.

Your uni will extend the deadline for the assignment if you let them know what it is that you are going through.

Stay safe.

And freedom programme for you, none of this is okay or right but it seems to have been normalised by you - not a criticism, but if you can start to feel angry at how wrong the situation and his behaviour is you might feel less scared of court etc.

Yes, obviously try and keep your communication calm and channel ice queen, BUT no same rational person is going to judge you for "fuck off" after 30 texts harassing you....

Another thought, could you insist all communication and contact through his dad? If his dad agrees?

If you can afford the rent alone, approach the landlord. If you've been there 6-12 months or more, you should be on a rolling tenancy, no need to renew the contract/have a guarantor.

Most ll want to retain tenants, it saves hassle and a finding fee for new tenants. Speak to the ll and tell them you can afford the rent and want to stay.

I haven't rung yet, I'm in hospital with possible sepsis from an insect bite

Been up all night googling refuges. My sister just said to me that she wouldn't be surprised if she got a phone call one day saying I'd been killed. Bit of a drip feed, but he permanently disfigured someone with a baseball bat a few months ago. He's a violent man. When he loses his temper with me, he's going to lose it badly.

I don't believe there should be any contact with my daughter at all. I actually weirdly didn't even consider that as an option until a PP said. He's sad he'd never go to a contact centre anyway. I don't think she's safe, especially when he's so convinced she's not his. And I don't trust anyone to supervise anymore. And when he hears that, I'm going to be even more at risk.

Could I transfer into a nearby uni to finish my last year? Or take a year out I guess. Leave my lovely home and job but Ill just have to be brave for my baby.

Refuges, transferring uni, rental properties etc. are all things that the DV team can help you with, which is why you need to make the call a priority when you leave hospital.

Hope you feel better soon.

Can you tell the hospital? As in, tell them today, now, whilst they are treating your possible sepsis? Is your DD with you at the moment?

Can you speak to uni and tell them you need to relocate ?

I did tell them, I couldn't stop crying and wouldn't let them put an iv in. She asked if anything else was wrong (I was hysterical, no sleep, all of this going on along with shit veins and a fear of noodles) and it all spilled out. They weren't that fussed, just gave me the dv helpline number again. No, my DD was at nursery. I'm going to call the number tomorrow. I don't have the energy today.

And yes I will speak to my uni if I decide to do that. I dunno if it's better to try and injunction first 🤷🏽‍♀️

Go see a solicitor OP and apply for a non molestation order as a matter of urgency. As soon as you can. Legal aid is available. He's a very dangerous man and you and your child are in danger

You don't need to pay a solicitor to get a non-molestation order, they are free for victims of domestic abuse. You download the form and take it to court yourself.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation

Well done to mentioning what yo are going through to the hospital. I am a bit surprised that they are not more helpful given that your DD is involved. Regarding going to court it sounds as if you could use an IDVA:

www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/independent-domestic-violence-advocacy/

I've had a productive day today, in court for the non mol in the next few days. Got a police marker put on my house. Going to see a domestic violence lady tomorrow. SS have agreed that contact centre visits are appropriate, or none at all if he refuses.

BUT..

Social services have decided I have to be the one to tell him this! They're pushing for me to call him and I just pretended he hasn't answered and going to speak to the DV lady tomorrow. How fucked up is that?! I said I'm at risk and I'm going to be more at risk after this phone call so how is it a good idea for me to be the one that makes it?

I know you have to do everything SS says, and I will. I'll do it if I have to. But honestly, how fucked is that?

Yeah that's really fucked! I don't understand their reasoning at all? This is going to anger him but even more so coming from you, surely it should come from an official person?!

Would it help to put it in a text/email so responses are recorded? Can't prove what someone's said on a phone call

I believe they want you to do it to show you can and will if the situation arises again because they won't always be around to support you.

Could you do it when with the DV lady tomorrow? So you have some moral support and there's a witness to any kicking off.

Well done on the non mol. Sounds like you've made some amazing steps over the last few days.

Something to think about... His parents. If he spits his dummy out re the contact centre they may ask to continue seeing dd independently. How would you feel about that? How would that work? Given that his Dad was supposed to be supervising when it kicked off the other day, but didn't if you lay it on the line can you trust them not to hand her over to XP? Or would they need to come to you? Easier to be clear in your own head before having any convos with them...

I've been reading all the posts & I really feel for you. My ExP put me in hospital 3 times while pregnant & went on to find where I'd moved to & threatened to kill me (in front of our 3yo son). We moved home again.

What jumped out to me, in terms of your safety - if he turns up or threatens you again, pls call 999, not 111. You could be in very real danger. I don't want to worry you, but if your home is flagged to police, it'll be a fairly immediate response. You could also talk to them about a personal alarm (I can't remember the proper term) - I had one on 3 separate occasions - it meant that if I couldn't speak, they could still be contacted and it was a much more serious response.

I, personally, would call Refuge & speak to one of their advisers (I did training to be on their helpline) - they are all amazingly supportive & knowledgeable.

You have been given some amazing advice here & it really makes me so grateful for such support.

Good luck and hope everything gets better

Thank you everyone so much. I am so grateful for everyone's advice.

That's a brilliant idea to do it with the woman tomorrow. I will definitely do that. Also will 100% call 999, that's what the policewoman today said to do too.

And i have no idea what to do about his mum or dad. I don't trust them not to hand her straight over, no. But his mums pretty much housebound. Maybe they could go to the contact centre too? I'll speak to the charity worker about that too, good idea.

Thanks everyone and I really do appreciate it. Am staying at my mums with DD as am still feeling pretty terrified but am glad to have told her everything and feel much more empowered now than I have done.

Oh, and his dad phoned yesterday and said he was still going to be our guarantor. He also said his son may be a bit mad but he wouldn't hit women but threatening to strangle them in front of their daughter's completely ok obviously.. anyway I have no idea if that offer will still stand after this conversation tomorrow. Hoping he sent it off today 🤞🏽

His father's statement is not relevant. He has threatened to strangle you.

In your position I would not do what SS have told you. I would remain calm and explore alternatives, on the basis that I would consider the risk to myself and my daughter to be too great.