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Original poster

In-Laws and new baby

34 replies

IHateYourCarpet · 06/08/2017 20:19

I'll try not to drip feed. I probably am being unreasonable but after five years of their crap, I'm starting to lose all perspective. Possibly being a bit melodramatic too.

I won't go into a thousand examples, but MIL and SIL have never been nice to me. They openly ignore and exclude me from conversation. They spent most of mine and DH's wedding slagging off me and the day to our other guests. Every time I approached them they ignored me openly. They've always been that way. They never ask me about me, and if I try to make conversation I'm lucky to get a one word answer. They were both vile after my last miscarriage, and every time we visit and spend time with them I leave feeling like crap. Utterly rejected and unwanted.

We live an hour and a half away from our hometown, DH is in the forces, and we try to visit every other weekend. When we are there they rarely bother to see us and never instigate meeting. We suggest
they visit, and they moan that it's 'too far' and they 'can't be bothered'.

Anyway. I'm pregnant, due next month and I'm sick to death of it. They've been telling DH they want to visit when the baby is here. They've had FIVE years to visit DH, two with me living here too, yet suddenly there's a baby and they're interested. To be honest, I don't want them to visit. They haven't spoken to me once during the pregnancy, made zero effort with me, and told DH they 'can't be bothered' to visit us before the baby is here. So I can't be 'bothered' to have them visit when the baby is here. If they can't be bothered even being polite to me, why should I bother with them anymore? I've been putting the effort into these one sided relationships for five years. And I've had enough.

Am I being totally unreasonable to say if they continue to ignore my existence and not bother to visit, they aren't welcome in the house after the baby is here? I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't keep being made to feel I'm worthless! Am I just being a bit melodramatic? Is barring them from the house an extreme reaction?

DH, before anyone asks, is very accepting of their behaviour. He tries to get them to engage with me, but they just aren't interested. He just sort of shrugs it off.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/08/2017 20:21

YANBU. Your problem is DH, of course. He needs to be on the same page. Or at the very least see your point of view. And with a baby on the way it's vital that he prioritises his new family (wife and child) over his family of origin.

The book "Toxic In-laws" might be worth a read.

Original poster
IHateYourCarpet · 06/08/2017 20:24

Fully accept that I have a DH problem too. I hope that if I do make some sort of stand against them it'll force his hand a bit, even if it's to just bloody say something to them!

I have started toxic in laws Blush I'm ashamed to say I DID think things would improve after the wedding.

OP posts:
WickedWrites · 06/08/2017 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mrscropley · 06/08/2017 20:29

Tell dh he is welcome to Skype them and show them the baby but they aren't welcome in your home anymore.

sparkleandsunshine · 06/08/2017 20:33

Tell them they're not welcome!!! They sound horrible, I felt very vulnerable when my DD was new, No Way would I want anyone around who wasn't supportive of me xx

Original poster
IHateYourCarpet · 06/08/2017 20:38

I'm relieved that I'm not being OTT! And DH will be welcome to take the baby to visit his mother and sister; as soon as I've stopped breast feeding. Which according to MIL is disgusting Grin

I have bent over backwards. I've really tried, and I just can't be bothered anymore.

Hopefully it'll be all talk and they won't actually attempt to follow through with visiting!

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 06/08/2017 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrscropley · 06/08/2017 20:42

I hear bf til 3 is becoming the norm op. . Grin

Original poster
IHateYourCarpet · 06/08/2017 20:44

Because DH and MIL have issues. As do him and SIL. As a result of wanting to be accepted he lets them walk over him, and by extension, me. He just takes the attitude they won't change, so what's the point in talking to them about it.

I think NC is the way forward. It stops me being continually hurt, and frees up a lot of headspace.

OP posts:
Orangebird69 · 06/08/2017 20:46

IHateYourCarpet

I'm relieved that I'm not being OTT! And DH will be welcome to take the baby to visit his mother and sister; as soon as I've stopped breast feeding. Which according to MIL is disgusting

Make sure to followthe WHO guidelines and breastfeed for at least two years then Grin

Silverthorn · 06/08/2017 20:47

I'm not sure I would even let dh take the baby on his own. If they can't be civil to you then I would not want their toxic nonsense near a baby.
Yanbu. They really don't like you and i think you've tried hard enough. Put your foot down now because you will be really vulnerable when the baby arrives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2017 20:47

It is not your fault that MIL and SIL are like this, you did not make them this way.

Neither MIL or SIL should actually see your child going forward at all because they could well use this child to get back at you as the child's mother. They will drip verbal poison into the child's ears. They are not good people to have around any of you and they will be a poor influence to this child. They cannot anyway behave decently to you as the child's mother and your DH should not be allowed to use his child as a buffer between his family of origin and he.

Your boundaries have been way too low throughout and they have taken full advantage of your reasonableness (you have after all come from an emotionally healthy family) which they have simply seen as weakness.

Unfortunately your DH has been conditioned by his family of origin to accept this as normal from them. He has grown up with this lot after all. What he fails to realise here is that his own inertia when it comes to his mother and sister hurts him as much as you. He may never get it when it comes to them, he is still immersed in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to his family of origin. He still plays a role within that family of origin; I am wondering if he was the scapegoat or lost child.

Am glad you are reading Toxic Inlaws.

RiseToday · 06/08/2017 20:51

You think that you'll be ok with DH taking your baby alone to visit them. I think you may feel very differently when the time comes. So I wouldn't tell him that's an option.

He needs to step up and address this. He should be backing you all the way, not making excuses and basically being a coward.

Perhaps some joint therapy may shed some light as to why he is so afraid to stand up to them. He can't keep burying his head in the sand.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2017 20:52

"And DH will be welcome to take the baby to visit his mother and sister; as soon as I've stopped breast feeding"

No to that suggestion. Don't do this because these two cannot be trusted going forward to be nice. He may well want to continue a relationship with his mother and sister but it does not follow that you and your child have to as well. NC is the best option for you in particular as this child's mother.

Your child is a part of both of you; if you allow your DH to take his child over to his disordered mother and sister they could well go onto say vile things about you and his/her dad in this child's hearing. He will not say anything to them once they start or be able to stand up for you as his wife due to his innate conditioning at mother's hands. He will just sit there and take it from them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2017 20:55

Why as well would you want to let your child have any sort of relationship with this toxic twosome?. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right and they denigrate you as the child's mother. Not all grandparents are nice and these two certainly are toxic individuals who cannot stand the very sight and sound of you.

Raise your bar and protect your child from these malign influences going forward. You will thank your own self for doing so, your DH because of his own FOG cannot be relied upon to protect you properly from them.

NameChange30 · 06/08/2017 21:00

I agree with PPs; I wouldn't want such toxic people to have access to my child without me being there to supervise. Especially as your DH is so useless when it comes to standing up to them.

Taylor22 · 06/08/2017 21:43

You've left this to late.
They are what they are.
Unfortunately you're husband is shit.
He sat back and used you as a meat shield and generally didn't care.

He's chosen them over you time and time again for years and now that you've got something they want they are not going to ch age but ramp it up. And the man child is going to do nothing.

You need to sit him down and rip this BS apart now. Don't wait for your pp time when you're bleeding and engorged and exhausted to have this fight because they (incl husband) will see your weakness and use it.

Raindancer411 · 06/08/2017 22:41

I would speak to DH and tell him he needs to get involved and speak to them about the way they behave towards you. In the long run, you won't want the baby growing up to see this behaviour from adults. It's not a good role model.

YANBU in my eyes

GlitterSparkles17 · 06/08/2017 22:56

YANBU your DH is.

You and your baby are his immediate family and it would make me furious that he's not standing up for you. So if he won't then you have to stand up for yourself. Don't let them visit, he can take the baby to visit them on YOUR terms not theirs. Can you imagine letting them into your home after just giving birth for them to coo over your child and completely ignore you and be rude to you? Horrid people.

PelorusJack · 06/08/2017 23:05

YANBU (Grin yes I know it's not AIBU )

Here is what I would do. I'd let DH do what he wants but I'd not facilitate it at all. If he wants his family to visit then I'd leave him to it but I'd all but ignore them. I'd grab myself a coffee and run myself a bath. I'd make no attempt to be friendly. I might say hi but that would be it. I wouldn't tidy up for them and I wouldn't get any food in for them.

I'd try and put them out of my mind and not give them any headspace at all.

The problem with trying to ban them is that it will cause you and DH to fall out. I'm sure they would be delighted with that. You DH has been a bit of a dick but you need to keep that senate from your very understandable dislike of his family.

PelorusJack · 06/08/2017 23:06

Separate not senate

hungrywalrus · 06/08/2017 23:11

Your DH seems to behave according to how he wishes they were and not according to how they actually are. It's possibly a coping mechanism along the same lines of a small child closing their eyes tightly and wishing something away. In that case all that can help is for them to expose themselves in such a way that he cannot forgive them. But that could be extreme. So it's probably a better idea for you to avoid them forever more. And no you will not want to hand over your precious baby to people you cannot trust.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2017 23:17

I don't blame you. I understand that your DH can't change them... He's right on that point. He can't make them be nice to you, but he should be telling them they aren't welcome in your home while they continue to treat you awfully.

The problem with saying it's a DH problem... Which I don't dispute, is that he's lived in that environment growing up and it's done some serious damage to how he thinks and seeks acceptance from them.

This is what happens when you're parents are screwed up.

I don't understand how MILS and SILS, think they can ignore the wife and waltz in when a baby arrives.

Onynx · 06/08/2017 23:27

IF your inlaws manage to exert themselves to visit then I would make sure that your baby is nice & snug in his/her comfy sling which you will be wearing the whole visit. I would also as PPs have said, leave all the catering, tidying etc up to DH.😇

CocoLoco87 · 07/08/2017 00:05

If they do visit, and you want them to leave, it sounds like whipping your boob out to feed the baby would do the trick Grin
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope they don't visit!

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