In-Laws and new baby

[IHateYourCarpet]

I'll try not to drip feed. I probably am being unreasonable but after five years of their crap, I'm starting to lose all perspective. Possibly being a bit melodramatic too.

I won't go into a thousand examples, but MIL and SIL have never been nice to me. They openly ignore and exclude me from conversation. They spent most of mine and DH's wedding slagging off me and the day to our other guests. Every time I approached them they ignored me openly. They've always been that way. They never ask me about me, and if I try to make conversation I'm lucky to get a one word answer. They were both vile after my last miscarriage, and every time we visit and spend time with them I leave feeling like crap. Utterly rejected and unwanted.

We live an hour and a half away from our hometown, DH is in the forces, and we try to visit every other weekend. When we are there they rarely bother to see us and never instigate meeting. We suggest
they visit, and they moan that it's 'too far' and they 'can't be bothered'.

Anyway. I'm pregnant, due next month and I'm sick to death of it. They've been telling DH they want to visit when the baby is here. They've had FIVE years to visit DH, two with me living here too, yet suddenly there's a baby and they're interested. To be honest, I don't want them to visit. They haven't spoken to me once during the pregnancy, made zero effort with me, and told DH they 'can't be bothered' to visit us before the baby is here. So I can't be 'bothered' to have them visit when the baby is here. If they can't be bothered even being polite to me, why should I bother with them anymore? I've been putting the effort into these one sided relationships for five years. And I've had enough.

Am I being totally unreasonable to say if they continue to ignore my existence and not bother to visit, they aren't welcome in the house after the baby is here? I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't keep being made to feel I'm worthless! Am I just being a bit melodramatic? Is barring them from the house an extreme reaction?

DH, before anyone asks, is very accepting of their behaviour. He tries to get them to engage with me, but they just aren't interested. He just sort of shrugs it off.

I'd ignore them - don't give them head space!!

You need your strength for the baby - good luck

You need your DH to be on the same page as you. I certainly wouldn't allow them to visit, they can fuck right off after the way they've treated you.

I echo the pp who says go NC: do it. Imagine how relaxed you'd be! And no, you can't afford to have poisonous in-laws dripping toxic shit in your dc's ears.

DH and I have just gone NC with toxic in laws after years of crap. It really hurts DH because they are his only family but he put me and DC first (they've always hated me and he told them if they hate me that by extension means DC.) it's not easy but does give us a break, your DH must put you and baby first.

Sounds like DH could do with some counselling to see how toxic and abnormal their behaviour is.

Have a long talk with him about how this is an opportunity to break the cycle - he certainly doesn't want to risk repeating the pattern with his own children and the children certainly don't need to be exposed to that toxicity, particularly when they are older and susceptible.

You are not unreasonable. They are. It is the first precious bonding time as a new family. Your dh needs to back you up.

YOU decide when you will be able to have visitors.

Thank you, all of you. This has really given me the confidence boost to to go ahead with what I know is the right decision. I don't want contact with them. And I do think that should extend to the baby as well, I don't want them growing up exposed to their behaviour and thinking it's normal or acceptable.

Now to get DH on board so I'm not fighting this alone ...

I'm in exactly your position but DS is now 6 months. In laws (& SIL) have treated me appalling since meeting my DH. Ignoring, snide comments, passive aggressive comments, ignoring my texts (in my attempt to build a relationship for DH sake!), told DH ex that I have a mental health illness (untrue & lies ) which was then used against me!

I feel your pain, I really do. I've let this stress me out too often .

They showed no interest in me being pregnant with their grandchild, no help nothing.

I'm done now. They've met DS once when he was 3 weeks old. I was polite & civil but FIL didn't even look at me .

I agree, as the mother of their grandchild it is not acceptable to be treated this way & if they wish to have a relationship with their grand child they need to accept you. I too worry about what they would say to my DS.

You do need your DH on side, but I've realised that it is difficult for them to see what's happening especially if they're 'sly' in how they treat you .

Good luck & enjoy your baby!

I have sympathy for you OP but I am appalled at the sexist terms of abuse trotted out by some posters
'stuck up mommies gritty ole vag'
Completely vile. I am reporting this.

You aren't remotely melodramatic. In fact you have under- responded.

These people are toxic. They have consistently abused you - this is proper abuse. Your husband needs to read up on abuse in families and ultimately step up and create a fire wall between them and his family ie you and dc (and him too).

You wouldn't want someone that emanated toxic fumes in you or your baby's presence - this is on a par with that. They are very sick and poisonous people, get them OUT of your life.