Anxiety and new relationships

[hidingusername]

I hope this isn't just me ladies
Have changed my username to post
Single 3 years and struggling terribly in the very early stages of a new relationship

Came out of an emotionally abusive .. cheated on marriage with a narc that literally destroyed me

Have dated but never really got past a few dates without running for the hills bf finding faults at every corner to bolt

Fast forward to recently 2 months ago met someone on tinder who is amazing

But then I say amazing and I'm doubting myself
We see eachother once or twice a week and when I'm with him it's perfect

When I'm not is where the anxiety kicks in
He's made it known he deleted his tinder he's not anyone else but I struggle with the way he communicates and what to do next

He can text one minute .. read and ignore my messages the next
He then calls to chit chat and then he's silent again
When I'm with him he isn't the type to sit on his phone at all
But if he's with his friends he's dead silent not a word

He's not mentioned me meeting his friends

He doesn't really show desire to see anymore of me

He has however said he will be my old one to an event and arranged a trip in October with me which happens to fall over my birthday

I'm scared I'm going to blow it
I overthink analyse everything and stress myself right out to a point where I'm going to regret It I think

I don't know how to date .. if these things are normal .. when I need to define the relationship or just leave it be
I struggle with my own self esteem .. OCD .. and anxiety on a daily basis

I managed to tell him today I suffer with anxiety it came up in a conversation

Try to relax. Please do. I know it's hard but it sounds like he's ok. New relationships don't need to 100 miles an hour. I know this is how it is with a narc but that's not healthy and it takes some getting used to. Just look forward to your next date x

I'm just struggling

Never really thought about the speed of a narc relationship

Moved in with 4 months baby within a year married within 18 months divorced within 2 years

I just struggle with his communication he reads messages ignores them

But yesterday I did the same back he was straight on the phone calling

I feel out of control do I mirror his behaviour what do I do 😢 it's making my mind go ten to the dozen x

Are you certain you are ready to be dating? If it is giving you anxiety then it perhaps isn't for you currently.

My anxiety can manifest into different things usually something that takes me out of my comfort zone which currently is this x

Your DP is not your ex. Please be kind to yourself and him

That's a very valid point I'm just second guessing whether these are normal dating things
The contact how often I see him do we need the chat and if so when?

I am a dating isit

I am a dating idiot

i don't think having too much contact is particularly a good thing. It does relationships good to have breathing space. However, him ringing you the minute you don't answer a text isn't great either

Are you using whatsapp? I had to get rid of it back along because it fuelled anxiety. I couldn't cope with seeing a message being read but ignored. I'd rather assume someone got back to me when it was convenient. I got rid of it early on in relationship couple of years ago and that helped a lot. I just said the the bloke look sorry it takes up too much bytes or whatever they are so can u just text me. And he did no drama

Op you sound exactly like me

I suffered extreme anxiety around dating and, like you, met someone on tinder two years ago. He is a self employed musician and tends to wrap himself up in his work which can lead to ages with no texts which initially drove me crazy and I contemplated ending it. It wasn't worth it tho as the benefits out weighed the good as we get on so well. I was just learning new boundaries and habits.

I understand for some this would be a deal breaker and it is fricking annoying but we seem to be in a similar place there's no pressure on either side. We both have kids and when we see each other we make the most of it.

It's so hard to switch my
Mind off
I do speak with a therapist too

Op i do these things too. I think i have just ruined something new due to my anxiety and trust issues. The not using whatsapp is a great idea. I have spent to much time looking at blue ticks. Good luck. Have you got someone irl that can talk you down when you are about to do something?

Op mine was also called by an abusive cheating husband.

I just struggle with his communication he reads messages ignores them

Does he actually ignore them? Or does he just not reply to them immediately?

I know this anxiety well. And had had it constantly with the few men I'd dated since. I'd decided to stay single because I found that the longer I'd been seeing someone (and it had started by date 2), the more anxious I became.

I met someone a few months ago and told him this. He has a similar anxiety (we both have ASD, might be related). He initially responded to messages immediately so that I didn't have the anxiety. Now, a couple of months down the line, it doesn't bother me. I understand that if he doesn't reply it's because he can't reply at that moment; or because he doesn't have anything to respond with at that time; or needs to formulate a response. And he also understands this.

My points are these:

Once you know you can trust someone, the anxiety will lessen.

Not replying immediately, or even at all in some cases, is NOT the same as 'ignoring'.

I'm in a similar position. In a new relationship with someone I met on Tinder. It's really hard knowing how much to contact them, not wanting to over invest in case it goes wrong, not being too pushy in case it scares them. By BF has also booked things for us to do together for the future (which is a good sign) and we get on well when we are together. But when we are apart I do get worried about things. I guess it's part of getting to know each other and it will get better.

Thanks for your posts ladies

I have been single almost 3 years now
I am tempted to get rid of WhatsApp

He is a bit like a caveman and doesn't use his phone for long periods this initially made me think he was seeing someone else
He's made it known by saying he's not on tinder or actively dating anyone else now

If he's with the boys he won't respond at all reads my messages and doesn't respond and as an example yesterday
Read both messages (12 and 2) me jet randomnly called me then at 6 I don't know if it's just that he's super laid back

I'm not even the type to bedrudge him time with his friends it's my anxious mind that just overthinks everything and anything

I don't know if it's that he knows I have a son and that he is content with just seeing me once a week twice at a push and he just doesn't try to see me more than that

He came out of a long relationship back last year I don't know if this is him taking it slow m

To add also if he is with me he isn't using his phone he's quite happy to put it down for the night and I have his u divided attention. So I don't know if that is just what he is like

I do talk with my girlfriends about it
But I worry I'm annoying them as my anxiety the last few days is awful
Yesterday I was convinced I was going to send him some essay message
Just as I was about to send (against my friends advice) he called me so I didn't get a chance to

I'm worried I'm going to ruin it

He read you message then called you later. He was probably busy and waited to call you when he had time. Don't stress, he sounds keen. Don't sound crazy or you'll push him away. I don't always respond straight away. On WhatsApp take your last online notification off and then you can't see when others have been online, you can see if it's been read but that's it.

Breathe! It's early days yet just try and go with the flow a bit.

You seriously need to take a step back & breathe.

Don't over invest in texting. If anything puts people's backs up in the early days of a relationship, it's inane text messages & massive monologues. It does my head in. My ex used to text such tedious shit like what are you having for lunch & did you get to work ok, I'm just checking... The fact I'd been more than capable of getting to work for 30+ years without her concern being borderline controlling , did my head in.

I think you need to text only to arrange the next date and that is it. Live your life, don't get too over invested, too quickly & enjoy it. Good luck

Thanks for your replies
I'm kind of mirroring him (advice of a girl mates bf)
He texts I will he calls I will and just trying to better my focus or anxieties elsewhere

Why do I find this so difficult I get so angry with myself

Op i totally get the drafting a monologue message and being told by friends not to send as well. It is so hard isn't it. It can be all consuming.

Definitely

Decided not to send the usual good morning message today

Not heard a word from him like he normally would only a 😂 to a meme I had sent his last night on Insta

Mind in overdrive as always

Hi OP

I went through EXACTLY the same thing. It almost drove me insane and it lasted about 2 years before I finally relaxed! Try and keep yourself busy when you're not with him and focus on yourself

I did what your friend suggested too and it did work :)

Three and a half years on we see each other Thursday to Monday and when I'm at my house on the other three nights, I love my time to myself and when we see each other again it's exciting. I don't fret when he doesn't reply to my messages anymore. Sometimes he messages me loads and I don't always reply (which usually provokes a call haha)

Chill with it - take it slow and enjoy your time with him, and enjoy being with yourself when you're not x

I caved and sent the good morning message albeit 3 hours later than I normally would

I feel weak

He hasn't responded as of yet

I didn't send the text and thought maybe he would've
He didn't and could see he had been on instagram liking stuff
I'm making myself crazy and my mind is in mega overdid that this is just his way of palming me off because he's no longer interested

Call it fear of rejection .. I just don't know

Why did you send it?

The poor guy is at work, probably busy & you're getting your knickers in a twist over nothing.

Do you think you need constant validation? Do feel for you, maybe some counselling could help you?