Anxiety and new relationships

[hidingusername]

I hope this isn't just me ladies
Have changed my username to post
Single 3 years and struggling terribly in the very early stages of a new relationship

Came out of an emotionally abusive .. cheated on marriage with a narc that literally destroyed me

Have dated but never really got past a few dates without running for the hills bf finding faults at every corner to bolt

Fast forward to recently 2 months ago met someone on tinder who is amazing

But then I say amazing and I'm doubting myself
We see eachother once or twice a week and when I'm with him it's perfect

When I'm not is where the anxiety kicks in
He's made it known he deleted his tinder he's not anyone else but I struggle with the way he communicates and what to do next

He can text one minute .. read and ignore my messages the next
He then calls to chit chat and then he's silent again
When I'm with him he isn't the type to sit on his phone at all
But if he's with his friends he's dead silent not a word

He's not mentioned me meeting his friends

He doesn't really show desire to see anymore of me

He has however said he will be my old one to an event and arranged a trip in October with me which happens to fall over my birthday

I'm scared I'm going to blow it
I overthink analyse everything and stress myself right out to a point where I'm going to regret It I think

I don't know how to date .. if these things are normal .. when I need to define the relationship or just leave it be
I struggle with my own self esteem .. OCD .. and anxiety on a daily basis

I managed to tell him today I suffer with anxiety it came up in a conversation

I am speaking with a therapist to work on my own issues
That's a slow process
He had made plans with me for Thursday night (the same restaurant I've cancelled 3 times because something came up his end)
Checked with him were still ok for it as my childcare for the evening text to ask me if they are still needed and he's double booked me against an appointment he has (haircut)

Don't think I'm going to be able to carry it on
If I'm being honest with myself
He's just too laid back and doesn't really seem to have any drive to see me more than his once a week .. and that's me instigating it not him I don't know if he's jus complacent now
I just don't get it when I'm with him it's fine when I'm not it seems like he's literally a different person and totally not bothered

Hiding, sorry about the constant having to cancel date. Has he got children? I realised that sometimes men without children don't get the need to confirm everythinh as soon as those with kids need? I also realised that coming out of a horrible relations hip we pin more on new ones. He might just have a busy life and us taking things slow. If i could have listened to my own advice i wouldn't have ruined my new thing. Please don't do the same unless you do decide that you are not ready. Good luck x

No he doesn't have children maybe that's it
I just don't know what to do next

Sorry to say it, but dating shouldn't be this stressful and if it is it's probably a sign it's not right.

I'm not a remotely anxious person, but when I was dating I found myself in your shoes several times and each time I walked away. Not necessarily because they were bad people, but just they weren't the right person for me. I think deep down I sensed they weren't invested for whatever reason. My friends would downplay things with comments "maybe he's busy" or whatever when it took all day to get a reply, but ultimately I'm a chatty person and wanted someone who was genuinely as excited to have met me as I am about them.

When I met DP it was just so simple. There was no game playing or wondering where I stood, it was just really easy and as if we'd known each other for ages. It's hard to explain, but I just felt at ease from day 1 and even if he took a while to reply to something I never felt that anxious feeling of wondering why he hadn't replied to something.

I can completely empathise with what you are going through. I was married to a Narc, my only proper relationship and in the beginning it was was wonderful, soul mate, giddy feelings, couldn't wait to be together, spoke everyday on the phone (Before mobiles). Fast forward 25 years and I realised they were a covert Narc.

When i met my new partner I couldn't understand the lack of intensity in the relationship, why don't they text me more often, want to see me all the time etc..I've now realised this is a far more healthy way to be in a relationship. I also suffer from anxiety, i'm pretty sure this intensified due to being involved with a narc. I went into my new relationship with the attitude that if I can survive being married to and divorced from a Narc then i can survive this relationship failing, and if it did then I would be fine.

I also had my friend who had been through a similar experience and they kept telling me to not overthink things (Easier said than done i know) and to just enjoy the moments you have together with your new partner.

We are still going strong, we both have kids, both have our own places, see each other 2-3 times a week, have approx i weekend out of 4 together it's great, i didn't think this would be enough for me in the beginning but i enjoy the time with my new partner, my kids and more importantly I enjoy my time alone to do the things I want to do.

Good luck!

I could have written your OP. I am in the same position with the same background (abusive cheating ex) and the anxiety. I have been dating someone for 2 months but it's moving very slowly, only see him once a week, sometimes once a fortnight, he takes ages to respond to my texts even though he has read them. When we go on a date it's brilliant but the in between bits are pretty rubbish.

My last relationship moved very quickly as did the relationship before with my Ex husband. I'm not used to going slowly even though it's probably the best way to do things. I feel so anxious that I'm questioning wether it's worth it . I kind of want some one who shows me that they want me, I like to be chased but he seems to laid back about everything.

This is exactly it
I decided to respond to his laid back view of Thursday by saying I can take one of the girls if you want to focus on feeling better

His response to take one of the girls that was quick

I cannot win

I don't feel like he pursues me I seem to be the one instigating meeting up and he doesn't seem to have the desire to see me but then he's so affectionate when I am with him

This is frying my head just don't know what to do next

I would step back, don't text him and wait and see if he comes running, if he doesn't then he's not worth it.

I'm finding it hard work so I have decided not to chase and just wait and see if he makes an effort, it's still frying my brain though as I haven't got a clue what he wants.

The man I am dating also has no children, he seems to spend a lot of time with friends and time away working, I try and be flexable with meeting up, I have dc so it's not always easy as I need time to sort childcare, I think they find this hard to understand.

Good luck to you both. I think it really takes someone who feels the same to understand. I so wish i could undue my crazy message response to him. Deep down i knew not to send it but couldn't control myself at the time and there was no one to talk me down. OP, only you know if he is worth it. Could you try and have a chat in a chilled way (even though you won't feel it inside)? I do agree with others to leave him to it for a bit. Every time you feel like making contact post on here or call a friend to talk you down. Someone suggested exercise to me on my post and i really rate that advice. Good luck. I feel heartbroken at what i have done and so annoyed at myself.

I agree with others that (early) dating should not be so complicated. Also you have your gut feeling whether he is invested in you or not.
The reason why I am with my current boyfriend that he has always felt present (even when he does not reply instantly), and he would always call me in the evenings. Occasionally he does not text me morning, but the overall feeling that he replies and calls when he can and I appreciate that a lot. Was I feeling ghosted, I wouldn't be with him.
I've also had to stop myself from overtexting, I could easily get carried away so try to follow the mirror rule (1 text from him and 1 text from me). That keeps the healthy balance, which I also think he likes.

anxious exercise does help, I'm spending a lot of time at the gym to take my mind off of things. I think I'm just an over thinker and I always think the worse. I don't really feel good enough for anyone some my self esteem is pretty low, though it's better now than it was.

I did call him out on it this afternoon

Despite wanting to be my plus one to an event
Planning way ahead trips etc
He's not ready for relationship and can't give me in his words the time I want

Least now I know

Gutted

At least you know now. Think your gut instinct was right this time. As others have mentioned, it shouldn't be this stressful. It should just flow.

I guess it was
Makes me feel so stupid
Glad I know though

Feel so led on ... he even said he thought I wanted more

I think if this proves anything OP it's that you're just not ready yet. This is not your fault. I get it because I've been there. Get used to being in your own and being happy. Then when you are emotionally healthier you'll be better equipped for a healthy relationship. New relationships are supposed to be relaxed and exciting. Not stressing about why he hasn't replied to a text after only a short time. I'm guessing he sensed your stress and that can be very hard and draining. As I said this is 100% not your fault at all. I'm 9 months in with my DP and there are usually at least 2 or 3 days a week I don't hear from him at all. And when you get your head around that being ok you'll be in a better place. We're both busy and we don't live in each other's pockets which makes the time we do spend together lovelier. I'm very sorry you're hurting though. Please be kind to yourself, you will get there

Thanks
I am ready just think he wasn't the right guy for me
The more I think about things .. there were major red flags that I missed

I feel ok today calm and confident in my decision to call him out on it and dare I say relieved

Funny how hindsight only comes after
He was only willing for me to be an option and that's not for me

hiding well done to you, I need to do the same today and be brave. The man I'm dating obviously isn't that interested and is probably dating other women, I need to send him a message to point this out which will probably end everything. I know I will feel better once I have said how I feel even if it ends up being the end. I will pick myself up and move on, it's just not worth the stress, if he wanted to be with me he would put more effort in.

Exactly that Hun!

He led me right on
I didn't even respond to his pitiful message back it was patronising
And still haven't contacted him
Have left him on my instagram too I hid no grudges

Amazing how much better I feel
A woman should feel desired .. he has a lot to learn

Well I was going to be brave, was going to wait and message him this afternoon, I expected him not to message me before then as he doesn't message every day (he messaged yesterday) but then he messaged me this morning being really nice and then vanished again. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking he's not that interested so I don't initiate text thinking 'if he's not interested he will probably vanish' but then he messages me.

I often dont respond to texts for hours etc or look at whatsapp. Its just how I am . I am particularly not into those that text or whatsapp inane drivel all day every day. I do like my FB, but for a concentrated spell at night