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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

30 replies

Hueandcry · 06/08/2017 12:07

I've been seeing a guy for 8 or 9 months. Due to past abusive relationship I've been quite cautious. My 2 teens know abiut him but they haven't met him yet. The thing is he hasn't told his kids/family about me. Kids are late teens/20's so not little. Wondering if anyone thinks this is a red flag?

OP posts:
rightknockered · 06/08/2017 12:21

Have you talked to him about it? I would find it odd, not necessarily a red flag, unless there has been any other stuff that bothers you. I wouldn't want to be kept a secret though

Aussiebean · 06/08/2017 12:22

Would definitely make me question his commitment to me.

Is this fun or does his see a future?

That amount of time and keeping you a secret does suggest he is not either not committed of it available

Mrscropley · 06/08/2017 12:28

Maybe his family wouldn't let his private life stay just that.

He is likely enjoying having you to himself. .
I didn't meet my now mil for a year.

My dh had put it off to protect me. .

Would have been better if I had never set eyes on her tbh!!
Try asking him!!

Bluebelle38 · 06/08/2017 12:30

Nine months..... Hmmmmm. He should be dying to show you off or at least spoken with you about why he hasn't let you into his whole life yet.

JK1773 · 06/08/2017 12:34

No I don't think it's a red flag but it is getting towards time to tell them. As far as I know my DPs children don't know about me but they are a bit younger. I'm 9 months in too. But it is a decision we've discussed

Original poster
Hueandcry · 06/08/2017 13:57

I have asked him. He just said that his kids have only ever known him with their Mum & he doesn't want to tell them yet...

OP posts:
Original poster
Hueandcry · 06/08/2017 13:58

They've been apart 4 years

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 06/08/2017 15:50

Red flag. My sisters ex was the same. i knew from the start he was messing her around with ' im going through divorce '

TheNaze73 · 06/08/2017 19:01

I don't think it's a red flag. I'd read it, as wanting to make sure (18-24 months) before telling people. I'd much rather a cautious approach than highly influential teens seeing a plethora of potential girlfriends

Kr1stina · 06/08/2017 19:04

Has he told his colleagues and friends and the rest of his family about you ?

Have you ever been to his home ?

CashewNut11 · 06/08/2017 19:06

If he's not willing to step up and acknowledge his relationship with you, what else will he/does he 'lack courage' about?

Original poster
Hueandcry · 06/08/2017 20:17

I've met some of his friends. It's a ldr so really there is no need to meet each other's children at the moment & I get what you're saying about them seeing a string of girlfriends - my ex does this to my kids & I really dont like it. But I just find the fact that they don't know I exist a bit strange...

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 06/08/2017 21:46

You have met some of his friends, so at least you have been integrated into his life a little.
I would still be on my guard somewhat. Perhaps you could propose something over the Xmas period. Perfect time for family gatherings! If he is extremely reluctant, I would see it as a red flag and doubt his commitment.
Have you been to his home?

Original poster
Hueandcry · 07/08/2017 08:48

No I haven't been to his home

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/08/2017 09:04

Where do you go when you meet up? Is he single on his Facebook page

Original poster
Hueandcry · 07/08/2017 09:32

We live at opposite ends of the country but he is often here where I live. He stays at mine. He is definitely single although technically still married as they haven't divorced yet due to financial reasons. I've checked out his exw on fb Blush

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/08/2017 09:36

Why haven't you been to his home

Original poster
Hueandcry · 07/08/2017 09:40

Because he is here so often I haven't needed to/had a chance to travel to see him. Think opposite ends of the country ie. 500 miles apart

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 07/08/2017 14:51

Does his wife know about you ?

Original poster
Hueandcry · 07/08/2017 15:03

I don't know. We've never discussed it. The 'kids' live with her & her new partner.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2017 15:11

Why are you together at all. He is still married to his ex wife after all and I would reconsider this whole relationship altogether. I think you are being spun a yarn.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it as well. He has you at one end of the country and his ex wife at the other; this is working out well for him and you have no chance of meeting. I would not accept his explanation for not divorcing yet either. And his kids are late teens/early 20s so not young children either.

Kr1stina · 07/08/2017 15:12

Is her new partner on her Facebook page ? Or is it what he's told you ?

Don't you think it's odd that he's not told his wife when she is now with someone else ?

BTW you can't be technically married. You are either legally married or not.

Is he still paying the mortgage on the marital home?

Original poster
Hueandcry · 07/08/2017 15:30

I didn't say he hadn't told her I said I didnt know as we've never discussed it. We're together because after 3 years on my own I've finally met someone who I want to be with enough to take a chance. We get on really well, he's brilliant company & actualky it suits me that he's not around all the time as I'm busy with my own life/kids. They're still married as they haven't divorced. I used the word technically as they dont live in the same house/share finances etc. It's still early days & i was just asking if you thought it was normal for his kids not to know about me yet as mine know about him but they haven't met yet.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/08/2017 15:50

Tell him you want to come and visit him for a change. Stay at his house, meet friends and be shown around. That may give you some answers.

Kr1stina · 07/08/2017 17:02

What Aussie bean said .

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