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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me work out where I'm going wrong ...

29 replies

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 10:06

I need some help please as the same thing keeps happening to me and I'm not sure anymore what I'm doing wrong and how to avoid it from happening again in the future. Happily divorced for over four years I have been dating and have met several guys I quite liked in this time. Almost every time, over the past four years that I have met someone I rather like (and this has happened already five times, latest only ended last week) it has gone like this: we meet, date over a period of several weeks/couple of months, then they all invariably announce (and I believe they are genuine when they say so) that ''I am an amazing, special person and that they feel very lucky to have met me... but there is something missing and they don't see themselves having a relationship with me/taking it any further' . They all then ask to remain friends and in my life (one of them we have indeed become very good friends); if asked (I don't always do) they can't give a reason for not wanting a relationship with me, they might say there's ''something'' missing but can't explain.

Until there everything is quite normal. The problem is that in the same breath that these men are telling me they think I'm an amazing person yet they don't want a relationship with me, they're all invariably, and this is where it gets very confusing for me, holding my hand as we walk, gazing into my eyes, kissing me (tender kisses, forehead kissing .. wtf?!) etc ... basically behaving as if we were in an established couple. No sexual advances whatsoever (so they're not trying to get me into bed either; in fact they tell me/I can see they're attracted to me but they won't act on it which would be a good explanation for their behaviour).

So, what I'm trying to work out I guess is ... why are they doing this? Men often will say they do want a relationship yet their actions will say otherwise ....... my love interests seem to be doing the exact opposite . Really getting me down and there is definitely a pattern emerging so it must be something I am doing that makes them behave this way ...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2017 10:15

Its not you, its them but you may well be subconsciously picking the same type or a version of same each time.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What was your dad like towards you in these early days?. Did he give you his approval freely or was it all conditional?. Thinking about that some more and going through all this with a counsellor before you pick up the dating baton again may well help you.

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 10:20

That's actually very interesting Attila and not something I've ever though about... growing up my dad was very generous with material possessions etc (we were well off) but there was no affection from him; there was some physical abuse (hitting) in fact from him. Not sure if that affects my picker when it comes to men however, I don't really seem to have a type I think ...

OP posts:

RainyApril · 06/08/2017 10:28

I don't think you're doing a bad choice of picking really. Given some of the horror stories on here, you seem to be meeting decent men who treat you well until they realise that there isn't a future in it, when they break up with you kindly and considerately, having nothing but good things to say about you afterwards.

It's just bad luck that none of them have lasted. We've all met wonderful people that we feel we really should be able to have a relationship with, but not felt that spark, or it fizzles out.

Could you ask the ex that you are now good friends with to be brutally honest about his reasons for ending it? Asking at the point of breakup is pointless. I've broken up with people and given kind responses to that question out of consideration or to avoid confrontation.

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 10:37

Oh I've had my fair share horror stories too Rainy!! I'm just keeping those to myself .

And yes they might be nice with their delivery saying all those complimentary things to me but the fact that within seconds they're behaving as if we were a couple is very confusing to me/mixed signals which is not a very decent thing to do to someone you have essentially just dumped and who you know likes you and has feelings for you....

I asked my good friend/ex and he maintains that he can't put his finger on it; he was looking for that 'spark' and it just wasn't there for him.

OP posts:

Isetan · 06/08/2017 12:59

Hmm that elusive can't put a name to it spark, I call bullshit. I think they know what's missing and don't want to tell you because whatever it is, it says more about them than they want to admit.

I agree that you are probably picking the same particular type and that's why the same reason excuse has been given. Some people like the chase, the newness of relationships, they love to love and get too excited and start extolling all kinds of bullshit because it feeds their high. However, that feeling doesn't last and when the inevitable crash happens, they realise that no one could ever live up to that high and off they trot chasing another unicorn.

Maybe I'm just cynical but early professions of love are a red flag for me. I would seriously question the motive behind the profession because I believe, it says more about them than the supposed object of their affections.

You have had either very bad luck or your attracted to men who like to put on an emotional show.

Onthemove2 · 06/08/2017 13:24

Are you saying you haven't had swx with any of these men?

GreenTulips · 06/08/2017 13:27

Try different type of people - go random and mix it up

Itwillbefine1 · 06/08/2017 13:29

Ask your girl friends to ask their (male) partners. But be prepared for whatever answer comes in...

yetmorecrap · 06/08/2017 13:34

Being brutal, have you said sex is off the cards or hasn't it come up at all? Because if they think it's off the cards ,and after a few weeks it isn't happening, that maybe what for them is missing?? I may have totally the wrong end of the stick but a fair few out there who will have expectations on this front and not be prepared to wait months if they are used to women 'putting out' early on, sad I know but it did cross my mind

TheStoic · 06/08/2017 13:37

I think it is sex related. It's just not doing it for them, for whatever reason.

They obviously like you as a person if they genuinely want to stay friends.

Onthemove2 · 06/08/2017 13:40

Are you getting to the stage where you are spending time at each ofher's places, staying over etc? If not why not as that would be usual after a couple of months?

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 15:01

Thank you all for your responses. OK re sex ...it varies but it hasn't definitely been off the cards, I have had sex with most of them (depending on how long we were together but things just evolved at a natural pace) and no complaints there, they were pretty happy so fairly sure it's not an issue in that area . I was referring to no sexual advances on their part after the dumping had occurred. With regards to spending time to each other's places, staying over etc yes of course, just the usual ... day long dates, evening dates that lasted a whole weekend sometimes ... the two of them that lasted longer we went together on a couple of weekend trips away... just the usual.

Isetan - you may have a point when you talk about early professions of love etc as three of them were exactly like that; but the very last one guy was not, he was really cool headed and practical and yet again he came out with the exact same behaviour as the others so that's why I'm so convinced it must be something I'm doing....

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 06/08/2017 15:27

I too read it as not having sex with all of them!

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/08/2017 15:32

It's called serial monogamy OP. It's the reason I gave up online dating. Full of perfectly nice men for whom the grass is always greener, so after a few weeks or months of wasting your time they will move on to the next one because online dating makes it all so easy to do. Like a kid in a sweet shop. It's exhausting and disillusioning. I'm sorry

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 15:52

Thank you Jenny. I thought that might be the case but two of them are now loved up and in happy long term relationships. ..

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Onthemove2 · 06/08/2017 16:19

Your op is confusing as it sounds like you are going on romantic walks hand in hand after they have dumped you (?!) and they are acting all lovey dovey having ended it. I don't see the point in staying friends personally. Let them go!

As for what you are doing wrong, it's hard to tell. Maybe nothing or maybe you're too nice. It could be they then see you more as a friend.

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 16:51

The lovey-dovey behaviour comes after I've said yes to staying as friends and we meet say for lunch a week later. It goes without saying that I then choose not to continue said ''friendship'' with them especially if I have feelings for them as it's hard for me.

It could very well be that I'm too nice. But, according to most of them they are also very attracted to me. It puzzles me that they seem to like my personality/think I'm this amazing person, there's sexual chemistry and attraction yet they decide not to see whether a relationship could potentially be on the cards with me ....(btw I do have little ones but I make all potential dates aware early on whilst keeping DC completely separate from dating, soI'm not springing any possible deal breakers on them that could potentially make them jump).

OP posts:

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 16:56

So wondering... what would make someone ''too nice''? I'm certainly not a pushover (in fact my motto is ''equal interest, equal effort'') and I have done OD for a couple of years so I have my wits about me. I am very approachable, and perhaps a little too open however.... could that be it maybe placing me in the friend zone even though there might be physical chemistry with them?

OP posts:

FindingJessica · 06/08/2017 17:20

I think the pattern is men modern dating. I have heard so many experiences of this. I think many men now believe they can achieve a relationship of continual excitement and a high. I think because the access to dates is now so easy, when the high fades they want to move on. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think you are these mens loss and I expect they will have the same high then move on to the next and on they go. I know and have met a lot of men who have been single for years because they are searching for a non existent perfect woman and continual high.

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/08/2017 17:25

Exactly what FindingJessica said. Also - and I promise you I'm no fan of the Rules! - what's the communication dynamic like when you start seeing someone ? It's sad to say but in my experience the biggest thing that makes a guy cool off is over-keenness. Unless I have a good reason (such as last minute gig tickets for example) I always wait at least as long as they did before I reply to them. If they want to speak sooner they can reply sooner, and I'll follow suit (if I like them). I know it's game playing, I know it's awful, I know it's the kind of thing that MN collectively disapproves of. But in my experience anything else results in him drifting away.

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/08/2017 17:27

Oh and if you're good friends with an ex then never ever mention that he's your ex, if you need to mention him at all. In my experience that's another thing that goes down badly.

Ropsleybunny · 06/08/2017 17:28

My friend went out with over 50 guys she dated off the internet. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet a prince. She did eventually meet her prince.

There is someone for everyone. Don't give up but don't think for one minute that it's you.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2017 17:29

Why are you staying "friends" with them? Kisses on forehead and handholding with exes - bleugh! Stuff that! Say bye, move on, no need to keep in touch.

Sounds like they might just have wanted to date other people.

Some men like to stay "friends" with exes because they want to see themselves as nice guys, when they're exes, not friends.

Onthemove2 · 06/08/2017 17:39

I said maybe you're too nice as I can't understand why you would go for a cosy lunch with a man a week after they dumped you. I would tell them where to go.

Original poster

Aknowingsmile · 06/08/2017 17:41

I know Loopy and I completely agree - but they are genuinely nice guys (until that moment) and I would have liked to have them in my life. The second they start with the faux-boyfriend gestures I tell them we cannot be friends and go no contact as I mentioned upthread.

Ahh The Rules!! Yes they can be harsh but I agree over-keenness is never attractive. I'm not a fan of messaging and have a full happy life so I'm certainly not hanging onto my phone waiting for them to text and confirm our next date.... as I mentioned earlier I follow the motto equal interest-equal effort, and the moment things start feeling off balance I'm out.

Thank you all. It's very hard not to take it personally when the same thing keeps happening, esp when they're not giving you a specific reason like no atraction or not compatible...they enjoy my company for hours, want to see me and want to take me to bed.... but why not date me?

OP posts:

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