Confused

[CWP8369]

My husband had not had sex with me for almost 18 months, the last time we tried to have sex, he started with his mundane routine of going to his side of the bed and getting undressed, I said I wanted a more romantic approach and for us to undress each other. The reason we initially did not have sex is because he was very overweight and I told him I was not interested until he lost weight. He has lost 2 stone, but the last time we tried to have sex it was me who suggested we went to bed but then he couldn't maintain an erection, I tried to reassure him at the time and since, but he won't come near me physically and all I get is a peck on the lips. He refuses to go the the doctor for advice, I also advised counselling for our relationship and he declined this as he does not want outsiders involved. He got some vile emails from an anonymous account accusing his girlfriend/wife of having an affair, which I had not - but this caused untold damage, but we have managed to get through this and all is well apart from the physical/sexual side of the relationship - and he is just not interested in me and I do not know what else to do x

Well you destroyed his confidence and the relationship by saying you won't have sex with him until he loses weight. Have you actually really tried to woo him, show him kindness, and love? Not just based on your own selfish wants that is.

Quite frankly you're lucky you get a peck on the lips

Who can blame him for not being interested in you?

He should leave the unsupportive and unkind broad.

Yes I have, but if someone is not interested in the efforts you are trying to make as weell?

Why is that? I feel your response is a little unfair! I am looking for answers to help us both, as he refuses to get help, as he cannot see a problem.

Why is that? Please explain your response?
I am not unkind or unsupportive, otherwise why 18 months later?

Actually if a man was to tell his OH that he won't have sex with her unless she loses weight, the advise would be to LTB. In this case I think your Dh should Leave The Bitch

You told him you won't have sex with him unless he loses weight?! . Was this your idea of "for better, for worse", when you married him? Or did you marry him "conditionally"?

Sorry OP but you reap what you sow. You showed him that your desire for him was conditional and it's obviously damaged his self-esteem or simply turned him off that he's no longer interested in you. I would feel the same if my DH insisted he wouldn't have sex with me unless I changed my body somehow. Massive turn off.

You really haven't read & understood everything have you?

He needed to lose weight for health reasons, but again you haven't fully read what I have written!

I am continually supporting him, but what can I do when I have tried every avenue of help and he refuses?

If you tell someone they are unattractive they will not want to have sex with you. It's devastating when your partner doesn't fancy you becasue you are too fat. It does not make for a happy marriage.

Things have improved, we tried sex and it was me who initiated it (if you read the post correctly) and it didn't work out and now he won't try again and won't seek help.
I was hoping for some helpful comments so that I could get this last piece of the relationship in place, but so far everyone has been negative!

Sex and intimacy are important to you, and that is entirely reasonable. If he's not prepared to do anything to try and resolve the issues then your choices are either accept an unfulflling relationship for the rest of your life or end it and move on. I'm not sure what other advice you think people can give you.

I understand that you say your husband has lost weight for health reasons. This wasn't clear in your opening post. Its tricky to comment not knowing the context of your relationship but perhaps you could try re igniting the connection with you husband in other ways... which may then help you both feel more relaxed and able to enjoy sexual intimacy with one another. Do you do things on a daily basis to show you appreciate your husband? Find him funny, interesting, attractive...? Have you told him you are proud of him for losing 2 stone and bettering his health? Men (and women) often need to feel an emotional connection before they are able to perform sexually. And regardless of sex it is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. Is your husband feeling low or stessed out currently? Do you both feel that there is a need to work on your sex life?

I have to agree with PP... you effectively told him he was too unattractive for you to have sex with. That would destroy my confidence and make it difficult for me to get turned on afterwards. At the end of the day, if you can't resolve the sex issue in your marriage, you are within your rights to leave but I think the onus here is on you to show him that you love want him for who he is, regardless of his weight. I cannot imagine saying that to my DP if he gained weight and he certainly never would do me (and didn't when I gained 2 stone from medication).

His confidence is shattered - first from the weight gain (despite him having lost it again), second from you refusing to have sex with him whilst larger and third from his erection difficulty when you tried again - which was probably as a result of 1 and 2. I do think it's on you here to build his trust in you again.

We have been doing date nights. On a Sunday evening we put all technology away, sit together and talk. We do little things to show appreciation for each other, such as little gifts etc. I have told him and keep telling him how good he looks since losing weight and now buying clothes in a smaller size. No - he is not stressed out or low in mood. Yes, we do feel there is a need to work on our sex life, as he feels it is the final piece of our relationship.

OP, you've hurt his feelings very badly. You have shown him that you didn't love his body. Now he can't forget it - his body can't forget it. There may not be any way back from this.

You've really hurt the poor man. Sadly it's going to take a little more than oh you look good now you've lost weight.
Maybe he doesn't see you as a pretty picture now. And this does seem a little like karma has come back to hit you. You made him feel like his wife didn't want to sleep with him. How does it feel now your husband doesn't want you?

You've destroyed his confidence. Poor man. I'd never want to sleep with someone who said that to me. It's heartbreakingly cruel

Imagine how horrible it is to be told that you're unwanted because you've put on weight and then to be showered with compliments only when you lose weight. He must be terrified about it happening again.

I can't imagine how awful it would be to feel so insecure in your marriage. No wonder he's having issues. Your love and desire for him is conditional. That's not a marriage.

And you say it was for 'health reasons' - well, that's not what you told him according to your OP. You told him no more sex until he'd lost weight because you weren't attracted to him any more. So vile.

It is very difficult to say everything on here and go in to every detail, you really don't know a thing!

His confidence? You have no idea what he has put me through over the years but I have stood by him. I was hoping for advice to help us both not bitching remarks!!!!