Confused

[CWP8369]

My husband had not had sex with me for almost 18 months, the last time we tried to have sex, he started with his mundane routine of going to his side of the bed and getting undressed, I said I wanted a more romantic approach and for us to undress each other. The reason we initially did not have sex is because he was very overweight and I told him I was not interested until he lost weight. He has lost 2 stone, but the last time we tried to have sex it was me who suggested we went to bed but then he couldn't maintain an erection, I tried to reassure him at the time and since, but he won't come near me physically and all I get is a peck on the lips. He refuses to go the the doctor for advice, I also advised counselling for our relationship and he declined this as he does not want outsiders involved. He got some vile emails from an anonymous account accusing his girlfriend/wife of having an affair, which I had not - but this caused untold damage, but we have managed to get through this and all is well apart from the physical/sexual side of the relationship - and he is just not interested in me and I do not know what else to do x

We know what you said OP and we empathise with your DP. Just horrible

It is him that recently said he wanted sex, as he felt this would complete the relationship, but he could not maintain an erection, I made no fuss, have been supportive, tried to get him to seek help but he refuses, he has refused counselling. So I would appreciate helpful advice and not rude remarks x
Your own life must be so perfect for you to speak like this to me!!!!

Maybe you would like to sleep with him, if that is the most helpful advice you can offer? Male yourself of some use to someone!!!!!

None of our lives are perfect OP but problems with sex have an origin IMO. Mine did and it was when ex trantrumed. It all starts somewhere and it's usually terminal. Criticising his body .... just horrid. Just imagine the reverse

I'll clearly be a lone voice here but no you're not unreasonable to not be attracted or to not want to have sex with him when he gained so much weight. You're only human and you're attracted to what you're attracted to. In saying that though you could have and should have been more tactful I suppose in broaching the subject instead of just saying that you won't touch him until he loses weight. It's a tough situation to be in

Here's some advice then: apologise to your DH for the cruel and unkind remarks you made about his weight. Tell him it was your issue, not his, and you are attracted to him no matter the size or shape of his body. Tell him you deeply regret hurting him and you know that it's caused the issues you're currently having. Tell him you want to work on your sex life together and make up for the hurt that you've caused.

Of course you can only do all this if you mean it.

If he wants to have sex with you but can't , he really has to go to the GP and get a diagnosis. One of the obvious options for help would be Viagra, but he needs to be physically checked before he tries this. It does work!
If he won't man up and get medical help, what hope is there?
And no, no one here knows anything about the two of you and your relationship apart from what you've written.

OP, we don't know a thing - we only know what you tell us. So many posters have made clear to you that, from what you have told us, you appear to be somewhat to blame for the unsatisfactory position you're in. You've hinted at there being a lot more to this than you've said. Maybe we can give more fitting advice if you are clearer about the whole picture, but to come on and post as you have and then get cross with people who give their honest opinion based on the info you have provided is a bit unreasonable.

maybe youd like to sleep with him.... make yourself of some use to someone

Do you even hear yourself jesus christ! What a horrible woman you are.

You told him you were not interested in having sex till he lost weight. Was that bollocks concern for his health

Yes, in hindsight I could have said this differently, thank you x

How is this helpful????

If you'rs not seeing the very helpful nature of the posts here then it is you who needs to seek help, OP. If the table should were turned how would you feel if your OH told you that you were too fat to have sex with? Would that instill you with confidence? Would feel able to perform - whilst not having the issue of being able to get an errection to perform?

You say that posters don't know the half of what you've been through - well, they don't. All they know is that you've told your OH that he's too fat to have sex with. If there are other inderlying issues and you want objective opinions, you're going to have to spell it out.

You seem to be struging with empathy and reacting with hostility to posters explanations.

You can choose to be right or fix the issue, you can't have both.

Most people felt you were harsh and I think critical..he started to remove his clothes and he was in your mind getting it wrong.Sure you wanted romance bit I think criticising at those times is very insensitive

Take some feedback and start showing empathy and you might make headway.

What Hermione said!

I think you're getting a lot of unfair stick OP. Your approach was wrong but, I can see what you were trying to do

Thank you