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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

36 replies

Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 20:46

Hi long term lurker here, but am really stuck at the moment and could really do with some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Some details have been changed so as not to out me.

So I have been with partner for 13 years, 2 kids, aged 2 and 5. He has always been a bit short tempered never hit me, or kids, but will easily fly off the handle, shout kick stuff etc.

Last week we had a big blow up, i am unsure if the details of the fall out are relevant but we both shouted at each other, I instigated it, he took it to the next level, I had to call the police as he was loosing it and wrecking the house and I was scared. I then left the house and have been at my mums since.

We have spoken a little via text but tonight he called and he got really angry again, calling me names, blaming me for making him angry, and threatened to Take his own life, I panicked and called 111 to try and see if I could get some advice from out of hours gp, he called again about ten mins later and I asked if they had spoke to him, at which point he goes nuclear and calls me all the names under the sun and refused to speak to NHS direct and said I was trying to get him sectioned.

Someone close to me has been dispatched to the house where he is to check on him, but now I am sat here shitting myself and do not know how to proceed.

I do not think this relationship can be salvaged but with the threat of suicide about I'm a scared, am also scared to go back to the house. Can anyone help? Obviously I have let out quite a bit of info or I would be here all night, not intentionally drip feeding but think I had added the important parts

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 20:46

N/a

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 20:46

Don't know where that second post came from pls ignore.

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Colabottle10 · 05/08/2017 20:50

Classic tactics of emotional abuse - threatening to kill himself.

He won't.

Ring the police.

Graphista · 05/08/2017 20:51

No stay well away from this man. Shouting and throwing things IS domestic violence. This is not someone who should be around your children.

You clearly are a caring person but I'd hazard a guess the suicide threats are to try and bring you back to him.

Get support for what will be a massively difficult time. Good luck.

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 20:52

I thought about it, but cAlling the police last week only made him worse, angrier, I just don't want to exasperate the situation any further

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2017 20:55

Do not go back to him under any circumstances and do not go to the house unaccompanied or with your children in tow. He is an inherently violent individual whose behaviours have escalated. You have got out and now you need to stay out.

He has tried the usual behaviours such abusive men do to bring their partner back under their power and control even down to the suicide threat and accusing you of trying to get him sectioned (as if it was that bloody straight forward anyway and besides which that decision would be made by the medical profession and not you).

You did the right thing in calling the authorities and I would let them deal with him. You do not need to contact him further; his actions were deliberate and all designed to make you panic. He is manipulating you and doing this to you as punishment for leaving him. Do not fall for it.

Do speak to Womens Aid and gain their support too; their number is 0808 2000 247.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2017 20:57

You need the authorities to deal with him; you are not responsible for him and or his actions. And smashing up the house and kicking stuff (more than likely not his own things) are examples of domestic violence.

Womens aid can and will further support you.

Mrscropley · 05/08/2017 20:59

Ring the police. . He needs to know you wash your hands of him and his threats.

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 20:59

The thing is nhs direct won't do anything as he won't speak to them, I've no plans to go back to the house as yet and I'm very far away, so in no danger. I just want to feel I've done all I can to help. He is just so bloody adamnet that I caused all this, and that I'm a bitch that I am doubting myself big time. Thank you for all the replies so far.

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Graphista · 05/08/2017 21:04

Cut him off cold. No need to discuss anything except possibly the dc. He's an adult and even if he is ill he is not your responsibility.

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 21:04

Also the police never came out as I called them back and told them I had left, I had to do this as he was fuming that I had called them saying I had betrayed him, although the police do want to see me face to face, I don't know what I'm asking really, just helps to get it all out sometimes.

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Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 21:06

Also he has literally no friends and doesn't speak to his family, hence why I have left the house rather than getting him to, as he has no where to go.

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Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 21:08

Don't be worried about the suicide threats, as other have said it's what they do. My ex threatened it many times, one night he went missing, hinted that he was going to take his life, I ended up calling the police, found his car outside his work but he was not answering the door, I was a mess thinking he had killed himself. Police eventually got in and he was fine, I was so angry and upset. He pulled this stunt several times after but I did not respond, the final time was when I finally kicked him out and he told me he had OD'd on pain killers, the police found him and after being checked out of hospital he was taken for a mental health acessement where they found nothing wrong with him. He was a controlling twat who had a temper on him and I'm so glad I got rid.

Ignore the messages, don't answer the phone to him, if he continues then get him arrested for harassment.

mogulfield · 05/08/2017 21:10

He has no friends, nobody at all? That speaks volumes in itself. You sound lovely and caring, please don't doubt yourself.

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 21:12

Ok he does have a couple of friends, but none he would consider close,enough to put him up, he had a bad childhood and unfortunately he has turned into this parents.

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Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 21:15

He sounds just like my ex. I guess I felt sorry for him because of his past, felt like I couldn't kick him out as he had nowhere to go, no close friends, but it gets to the point when you have to put yourself first, it's not your fault he had a shit childhood, not your fault he has no close friends ( probably because he's not a very nice person ). He probably has mental health issues but again 'that's not your fault'.

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 21:17

Thanks love music, he says it's all my fault for provoking him, but what you said makes me feel slightly better, and yes he claims he's ill and has mental health issues too.

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Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 21:23

I have an injunction out against my ex. He continued to text and phone for weeks, threatening suicide, causing me of things I didn't do and begging me to take him back. He never took his life, never planed on doing it, he just wanted to guilt trip me, make me feel sorry for him as I had felt sorry for him in the past and had forgiven him for losing his temper. The final straw was him losing it with my dd, I had to protect myself and my dc's, his mental health issues and his past were not my problem.

You have done the right thing, put yourself and the dc first, you can't fix him.

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/08/2017 21:27

Do you really believe this is all your fault?
Of course it's not, it's not down to you how someone else reacts and behaves. This just shows what an abuser he is, he's blaming you for his actions, he has control over what he does, not you. He's showing you the real him. Do not for one second blame yourself. Speak to the police face to face like they have requested and just tell the truth about what happened and how he acts towards you. It's best that it's all logged officially in case you need evidence of it in the future.

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 22:03

No I don't believe it's all my but I do think that if I'd just kept my mouth shut in the first place none of this would have happened. Likewise I know if I just said the right things he would calm the fuck down. The thing that also bothers me is one of my exes when I was in my 20's did overdose on the phone to me, so I guess that's clouding my judgment here. I have no plans to go back just don't know how to move forward either.

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Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 22:04

Sorry for typos my iPhone has a mind of its own

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GlitterSparkles17 · 05/08/2017 22:21

But you saying the right things is just you walking on eggshells to keep him happy, what about your happiness? The suicide talk just seems to be attention seeking and emotional blackmail, especially since you will have told him what your ex did over the phone, that makes it even worse.

Is the person who your staying with happy to have you there until your on your feet and find a new place?

Original poster
Bigbangtherum · 05/08/2017 22:26

The person I'm staying with is miles away from the kids school so thank god it's the holidays but will need to sort something out pretty soon, also the house he's in is in my name as I bought it before we got together. But I don't feel comfortable getting him removed from the house right now as he hasn't got anywhere to go to, I know that's not really my problem but I can't be that callous.

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DancingLedge · 05/08/2017 22:37

Be very clear about this: no one actually causes someone else to do , or even feel, anything.

We are each responsible for our own actions, and to an extent, our own feelings. You can do something, and ten different people would react to it in ten different ways. One person could be wounded, another would simply laugh. Don't believe that you are responsible for another adult. He is responsible for himself.

It's nice you don't want to chuck him into the street. But, not now, but before very long, he's going to have to sort something out, and leave your house.

Look after yourself. Not your job to look after him. Not when he's behaving abusively.

DancingLedge · 05/08/2017 22:40

And do go and speak to the police. Even if you're not seeking to take police action against him now, it is really vital that his behaviour is logged with the police. This could affect your future safety, and, especially, that of your children.