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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm leaving my job because I'm in love with a married man.

39 replies

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 05/08/2017 20:28

I've been in my current job nearly a year now and it's the first job I've had that I quite enjoy and I'm good at. I'm working on a project and work very closely with a guy in my office, we get on really well and he's been really supportive. Unfortunately he's married and I'm totally falling for him, he's confided in me that he's having issues at home. It's awful but I can't stop thinking about him and on Friday night we were texting for two hours. Things are ramping up and I can see what could happen, I try to focus on his wife and child but it's difficult because we have so much chemistry. I've also recently had issues with my boss and I applied for a new job which I have been offered. He's really upset that I'm leaving but I think it's best for both of us. He doesn't know I'm leaving in part because of how I feel about him.

Obviously I can't talk about this in real life and it's breaking my heart that I've fallen for someone who is unavailable. I'm not an evil person and don't want to be responsible for breaking a family up. Can anyone offer advice on getting over this? Before this happened I would have been really judgemental and now I'm in it and I feel wretched. Please don't flame me for this.

I'm not going to have a leaving do which will limit any further opportunities to see each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulietNeverMetRomeo · 05/08/2017 20:32

Not to drip feed but his first marriage broke down because he had an affair with his current wife, although he said it was only emotional and wasn't physical I'm not so sure.

OP posts:
Braveanddifferent · 05/08/2017 20:32

Been there and changed jobs, totally the right decision. Hope it works for you.

chips4teaplease · 05/08/2017 20:38

It hurts, but it passes. Knowing you've done the right thing helps.

Early in 2016 I met a man, a beautiful, educated, spiritual man. Also, wealthy. You'd have thought, ideal. No. He had a wife. He was willing to leave her as he felt that the temptation to stray was an indication of a path opening up, that he should follow. He stated this openly to others even though he and I had never had a date or even a private conversation.

I took the decision to cease taking part in the activity where we met, so that I would not see him again. He said goodbye in his very beautiful, spiritual and open way, in front of people, no escaping that everyone would know.

I was sad, so very sad. I was frustrated that at a time in my life when I thought those things might be behind me, I'd met someone it would be easy to love, admire, and learn from but yet I couldn't be with him.

It took about eight weeks to be less sad. Thereafter, I was only sad when I thought of him - I'm a little sad now.

I am glad I did what I believed to be right. I am honoured that he was interested in me. I am glad that I would not be the cause of suffering for his wife. If he's the kind of man who strays, he will have found someone else by now.

chips4teaplease · 05/08/2017 20:38

Oh, and stop texting. Really.

chips4teaplease · 05/08/2017 20:39

I've some other stories too but I'll save them for another time. I've had a very busy three or four years... Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2017 20:40

You're not in love with him. You don't REALLY even know him. You only know the person he allows himself to be at work. You're infatuated and most of that is probably due to physical attraction. Also, you already know this man is a cheat. You're REALLY in love with a 2x (at least) cheater who's texting you while home with his wife and child?

Loopytiles · 05/08/2017 20:41

How old are you?

You are already having an affair with him. He sounds like a cheating shit.

You are not in love: that's the rush of the affair. You don't actually know him.

No need whatsoever to leave your job and take the risk of a job you like less or fewer prospects. Just end the affair, reduce contact to work matters only, and move on.

Loopytiles · 05/08/2017 20:42

Oh and he was probably only "supportive" because he wanted an affair with you.

Not so nice.

Original poster
JulietNeverMetRomeo · 05/08/2017 20:42

Thanks for sharing. Agree I need to stop texting and focus on sorting out my love life so this never happens again.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 05/08/2017 20:42

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Time and lack of contact will help you get over your feelings. And definitely stop texting. If it isn't directly related to work don't say it or listen to it.

MadMags · 05/08/2017 20:42

Delete his number and go to the new job.
It's a no-brainer, really.

Graceflorrick · 05/08/2017 20:44

Good luck OP. You're insightful enough to know this would be a very difficult path for all involve Flowers

Original poster
JulietNeverMetRomeo · 05/08/2017 20:44

The new role is actually a promotion, with a longer contract in an area I have more experience so it's a no brainer when it comes to leaving, plus it's killing me to see him every day.

OP posts:
Oly5 · 05/08/2017 20:56

You're doing the right thing. This man had a history of moving on to new women rather than sticking it out. He wouldn't likely do the same to you.
Hold your head high and don't break up a marriage

Mulch · 05/08/2017 20:58

Good luck in your new job op, sounds like your dodging a bullet. I'm sure the wife will soon cotton on given that's how he got with her. She'll know all his lies and lines

Graphista · 05/08/2017 21:02

He sounds like my ex. The type that when they marry the mistress create a vacancy they need to fill.

You don't love him because you don't know him. You only know of one (major) flaw which is that he lacks loyalty.

SouthPole · 05/08/2017 21:11

@chips4teaplease I'd love to have dinner with you.

In a totally non-creepy way!!

You sound so interesting.

mylittlepony6 · 05/08/2017 21:12

Good move. You have removed yourself from a path which had no happy ending. I reckon it will take you about there months to get over. Good luck

Original poster
JulietNeverMetRomeo · 05/08/2017 21:33

You are right I couldn't trust him and the current situation is getting out of control. I recognise that I'm also in the wrong here, I'm not proud of this situation which is why I'm leaving. I'm actually gutted it's at this stage, I usually have a lot of self control and wouldn't dream of looking at someone in a relationship.

OP posts:
skirainbow · 05/08/2017 22:15

I have been in this situation too. Except i was the wife. You will cause unimaginable pain to another woman and enable a cheat and a liar. Please don't.

sofato5miles · 05/08/2017 22:24

In my 20s, this happened to me. I fell deeply in love with a co-worker. Nothing physical happened and I resigned and moved countries before it did. However, we did discuss my feelings. And his. Neither of us wanted to be bad people.

It took me over 5 years to get over and I have never met someone who I have enjoyed talking to as much.

However, it is now almost 20 years later and I love my husband and family.

Girty999 · 05/08/2017 22:28

I fell badly for a married man, he didn't tell me he was married but his wife announced it on his social media page, we never did anything but racy messages and a few cheeky pics but it was cut off that very second I found out, it took a while and sometimes I do think about him but I moved on x

Original poster
JulietNeverMetRomeo · 05/08/2017 22:28

I'm so sorry to hear that Skirainbow and I will keep that in the forefront of my mind for the rest of my notice period.

OP posts:
Pinkmoon2 · 05/08/2017 22:30

I think you are being a little hard on yourself. I too once thought I fell for a guy in work, neither of us available. It caused me so much stress but nothing ever came of it thankfully. We were more friends in the end and that got confused.He still makes little comments here and there though which doesn't make me feel good. I'll be leaving the job soon and i feel like it will be totally gone then. Like a bit of a weight off my shoulders.I will be having a leaving night out, just like you deserve one. You haven't done anything wrong, with the exception of the texts. Are the texts crossing a line? If his wife saw them, would she be devastated?

If so you are already in an emotional affair I'm afraid rather than a crush that got out of hand.

I wonder if it is true whether absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind.
It's been said a crush is like a drug, when you see him or when his name appears on your phone, it's like a drug effect on you. This is why the next few months will be hard, you will be withdrawing.

chips4teaplease · 05/08/2017 22:33

I've been the wife, too.