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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Remembering Things Differently

31 replies

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 08:33

I was thinking the other day about how DH remembers things differently from me, particularly in arguments, and I thought it was just convenient so he can wriggle out of responsibility. However, I did some reading & it really is a " thing". For example, we had an argument the other day & DH accused me of " starting" as soon as he got in the door but actually he had been home a while before we fell out over how he was speaking to DD. Lots of times I will tell him what he said ( sometimes not very long ago at all) & he will completely deny saying it. I must admit, I can say stuff in an argument & then not remember it all afterwards. Does anyone else find that they have a different version of events to their DH? It can be so frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could record us so I can say " I told you so"!

OP posts:

Cherylvole · 05/08/2017 08:33

There's a thing

category12 · 05/08/2017 09:30

Gaslighting?

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 09:37

I did used to think that but there is loads online about male/female differences. Men let things go quickly whereas we ladies can recall arguments from ages ago word for word. Wondering how to deal with it if it is gaslighting though 😞

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Lostin3dspace · 05/08/2017 09:48

I think some men gaslight so effectively that they actually believe the reality that they are trying to present to you. Some of them should get oscrs for their performances.

superchocolatedigestive · 05/08/2017 09:51

Gaslighting. They make you think you're going mad. They are very clever at it.

AdalindSchade · 05/08/2017 09:54

That's gaslighting. It's not a male/female brain thing other than men being more likely to be abusive than women.
My exh is an expert gaslighter but he also remembers every detail of every argument. He uses his superior memory to gaslight me, as when I get upset my sequence ordering goes to shit but his seems to get sharper.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 09:59

Can you be gaslighted without being in an abusive relationship? I have posted quite a lot on here about my marriage & things have improved a lot. We used to argue loads more than we do now & DH has been working really hard to make things better. Old habits die hard though. I wish he could get that me saying that he's done something to upset me does not mean that I am telling him he is a bad person. I think some of the denial is protecting himself. He did say the other day that he doesn't know why he says some of the stuff he does. He isn't trying to deliberately upset me or DD.

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WhoreOfBabyliss · 05/08/2017 10:05

It's called re-writing history. It's a thing.

Mari50 · 05/08/2017 10:07

My ex was like this. His recollection of everything was always totally different to mine and I genuinely often felt like I was going crazy. It's gas lighting. When he started doing it to our dd I realised he was just a complete bastard and got out quickly. Sadly dd still has to spend time with her and he still fucks with her head telling versions of events that are totally different to hers. I'm very done my best to explain to her what's going on without undermining her relationship with him (difficult)

Mari50 · 05/08/2017 10:07

#time with him!!

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 10:17

Maybe I should do it back?

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Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 10:23

And I have wondered if DH might have a BPD? More likely just a not particularly nice part of his personality

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AdalindSchade · 05/08/2017 10:40

Gaslighting is abusive.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 10:51

So what do I do about it?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2017 10:53

That is gaslighting and that is another form of emotional abuse against you.

Would you want a relationship like yours is for your DD as well. No. Do not continue to show her that this treatment of you is on some level still acceptable to you.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 11:21

I just don't get it. The world doesn't end if you upset your partner. You apologise & move on. As I posted earlier, things are so much better & he certainly doesn't deny stuff anywhere near as much as he used to. I do find if I back off & let him come to me, he admits what he's done & apologises sincerely. I think sometimes the denial is if he feels under pressure. He has admitted to me before that in some situations he feels pressured & it is his own doing. Some of it is also guilt because as he says, he knows he has fucked up bigstyle but he feels I am still making him pay for it. He is getting counselling but I'm not sure if he will be able to get all of this out. Really hope so. I love him & want our conflict/communication styles to be more similar

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AdalindSchade · 05/08/2017 11:31

So he still emotionally abuses you just a bit less than he used to?

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 11:43

Maybe I should come right out & call him on it - actually I have said to him in the past that he is being manipulative. Maybe he wants to win the argument at any cost.

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InvisableLobstee · 05/08/2017 11:44

Do you feel he may be gaslighting you now you think it over?
One thing is a lot of times it's irrelevant who said what precisely. That's just getting sucked into an argument. In your example above what does it matter
if the row started as he came in or later? That's not important. It's not a court of law, no matter how good a barrister he is he can't win an argument if you don't engage. Don't play his game.

Enchantedflamingo · 05/08/2017 11:49

It's not always emotional abuse, come on. With my parents, colleagues, friends, family there are always instances where we remember differently. There will be times you're the one who misremembered.

I say this as someone who spent a year being gaslighted. It's horrible, but it doesn't happen in every single conversation or relationship where there is a difference in opinion or memory. We only have our own perspective.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 05/08/2017 11:56

I've just finished a short term relationship with a brilliant man, intellectually speaking. We had lots in common but I was aware that the trauma of the breakup with his ex could be larger still than the potential of our relationship. When I saw how, in our most recent conversations, he refused to acknowledge my side of things, denied the facts I gave him about what he had said and done and turned everything on to me whilst playing the victim, I had to admit defeat. Thirteen years married to a manipulator has made me lucid about gas lighting and other forms of emotional abuse and I had to get away from this current man asap.

Communication with such a person is impossible.

TennisAtXmas · 05/08/2017 12:04

I don't think it always has to be gas lighting, sometimes people just have bad memories, and we all tend to remember the parts that set us in a better light more..

I have work colleagues who forget stuff ever happened or was said, but accept reluctantly that it did when several others tell them they're mistaken (and don't seem that surprised either...). Ironically, the only times someone has tried to insist on their version of events, despite absolutely clear evidence they're wrong, they were women (and ended up getting their way because no one dared upset them).

I guess its a bigger problem in one to one relationships tho, because there's no record of events, and just one persons view against the other.

Bant · 05/08/2017 12:22

I agree, it's not necessarily gaslighting. An ex of mine swore blind that they hadn't said something which they blatantly had, we remembered this differently. Some people just pay attention and remember different parts of a conversation or argument or events than others.

Mari50 · 05/08/2017 12:41

I imagine sometimes it isn't but when someone says one thing to you and then completely denies they ever said it to purposefully put you on the wrong footing that's gaslighting. My ex did this to me and does it to our DD still. It's really difficult to deal with as he will call our DD a liar rather than back down. I get that children might get things wrong but these are often issues that I trust her not to misinterpret.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 05/08/2017 12:50

Slightly worrying that all the guys who were like this are now exes!

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