Remembering Things Differently

[tigercub50]

I was thinking the other day about how DH remembers things differently from me, particularly in arguments, and I thought it was just convenient so he can wriggle out of responsibility. However, I did some reading & it really is a " thing". For example, we had an argument the other day & DH accused me of " starting" as soon as he got in the door but actually he had been home a while before we fell out over how he was speaking to DD. Lots of times I will tell him what he said ( sometimes not very long ago at all) & he will completely deny saying it. I must admit, I can say stuff in an argument & then not remember it all afterwards. Does anyone else find that they have a different version of events to their DH? It can be so frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could record us so I can say " I told you so"!

People do remember things differently - some details will have more importance for them, or impact on them.

However, if this is happening all the time, and the other person is behaving or saying things that deny your perspective or your right to have and express your own opinions and thoughts, then that's a major problem.

For a long time with my ex I felt I was going crazy because he remembered things so differently from me. My memory isn't great and I don't always remember the details, and in fact, contrary to what someone said up thread, I would forget entire incidents - possibly because they were so upsetting and traumatic, I don't know. I was friendly with a neighbour and would confide in her, and sometimes she would remind me of things that I'd forgotten all about.

Anyway, for me the ultimate in gas-lighting was when my son was about 6 years old, and was about 6 months after he'd broken his arm. It was a complicated fracture and there were many hospital appointments. Ex took him to one appointment. I did all the rest.

So, we're sitting at the table having our tea, and ex h starts talking to DS about did he remember when they went to get his stookie (plaster cast) off his arm? Ex went into great detail about it - the book they read together in the waiting room, what the nurse said to my son, how brave he was, and so on. DS just looked over at me.

Ex turned to me, and said, "What's up with your face?"

And I said, "But you weren't there when he had his stookie off. I took him."

He denied that, said he'd taken him that time, but that the nurse could only take half the stookie off that day, and I must have got confused and been thinking about when I took him to get the other half removed.

And at that, I had him.

I said, "No, the stookie came off in one go. I was there, I kept the stookie and I know where it is now."

Not anther word from him. He got up from the table, and went out for the evening. This was never mentioned again, but it was as creepy as fuck.

That was actually when I realised that I should be frightened of him. I left soon after.

My DM does this. She relates stories of my childhood that make her look good and my DF look crap, frequently they are twisted or simply untrue.

For years I thought I must have been too young to remember properly but the older I get I realise she actually believes what she says. Now I know, I am sure, my memory is right but she still 'tells' me stories that are a mockery of the truth.

*And at that, I had him.

I said, "No, the stookie came off in one go. I was there, I kept the stookie and I know where it is now."*
That is quite creepy isn't it!?

I wonder if misremembering happens way more than we know, but usually we just don't realise, because we don't discuss the incident with someone else who was there...

I've also (once that I'm aware of) been the one who had the confused recollection...there was an item which I commented about making for my DM. Boh she and my DH corrected me that she'd made it herself (we both had the relevant skills). I can see no reason why they'd lie, they had no history of colluding in making stuff up, so I think they were correct...but I was sure I remembered making the object and giving it to her...weird..

That said there's a lot of shit that my mum denies went on in my childhood that my siblings corroborate and I don't accuse her of gaslighting me, I just assume her memory is shit or that she's mortified by her 1970's parenting fails and is editing everything to today's standards.

So OP, from a practical viewpoint, you could get a gopro headcam, film everything, and then you and DH will be able to review footage, and find out the empirical truth, coz none of us know what has and hasn't happened !

If you do any kind of research into memory you'll see how there's really no so thing as real memories - we all construct stories in our heads about what happened which are usually wildly wrong

I was recounting a story about the two of us on holiday to my husband the other day and he was absolutely astonished at how 'wrong' my memory was.

I'd imagine the adrenaline of an argument adds to this. Unless your husband is generally emotionally abusive I'd put it down to that