27, worried about running out of time for family.

[alpacasandwich]

I'm a mature student and haven't had a baby (pregnant at 23, ended in miscarriage before I could even decide what I wanted). My course finishes in 2021 at the earliest so I'll be 30/31.

Most people at uni are 18-21, with a scattering of older people. I've tried dating apps. Messed around in my early twenties with the wrong guys, had two LTRs that went nowhere (one lasted three years, one was short-term but dragged on as FWB for four long years).

I got a wake up call this summer working in retail. All my colleagues were married and very surprised that I wasn't. Most had completed their families by 30.

I want children (if I'm even able to have them, as my fertility is untested so far). More than that, I would love a family. But because my life has taken some twists and turns, I've gone off course a bit.

My main relationship was abusive (emotionally, physically) and other men have treated me somewhat dubiously, although I allowed it all to happen. I suffered depression from a young age and have scars all over my arms, thighs and stomach. I think I have a nice face and my body is alright but I'm nothing to write home about.

Maybe what I want will just not happen? I feel a bit like damaged goods at this point. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Most of my friends had only started having babies at 30.

What do you mean about life being off course?

Have you done the Freedom Programme yet?

I'm similar. 28. Qualify in 2018. Had a few really awful relationships. My two best friends are a few years younger than me. Sometimes I worry it just won't happen.
But then in so many ways I am doing everything to be the best person i can, to make myself happy and follow a career which is very important to me. So at least when I find a future partner I know that for those reasons it will be less likely to go so wrong, as I'm happy and know myself and what I feel is important in life.
Which means if and when I do have children, I'll be giving them such a better chance in life that I would have been able too at 21 or 23.
I sometimes worry it is all too late but then also think you never know what is around the corner, and I don't want to search too hard and I'm happy right now.
Good luck with the rest of your course :)

I had my youngest child at 38 and if I could afford it I would have another now, I am 44!

Dont worry about time running out for kids based on other peoples life choices. Your life is yours.

I agree that the Freedom Programme would be good for you. It helps you to spot the abusers early and stops you wasting years with them.

Most people i know get married after 28, usually more like 30 and have babies after that. I have plenty of friends who had first babies between 35 and 40. You just know peoole who do it young. Most people who do uni then career leave it later.

You sound like you worry a lot. Perhaps get help for your anxiety. Im not a huggy person but i think you need a 《hug》

Your socio-economic groups has a large bearing on when you have children. The more educated you are the later you are likely to have children. Despite being with my partner for 10 years my first daughter was born a few days before 34th birthday. I am yet to decide when or definitely if I will have another child but I in on way feel that I am an older parent.

I've just had my first baby and I'm 30 - I was warned a few years ago that I should do it then because I could have a low egg count, but I decided to take the risk and wait because it really wasn't the right time for me. I got pregnant within a few months and had a totally normal pregnancy and birth - so I think it's fine to wait until you're ready.

I had finished having kids at 28. Had 2 didnt want anymore. But the majority of people i know are having their kids now. In our 30s.

I can see how being surrounded by people doing it younger makes you worry. But it's really not unusual to not be married with kids at your age.

None of my friends started having babies until early 30s (having got married about a year previously) so there is still plenty of time - you are maybe unusual in your friendship/working group but it is quite usual in others.

I hear your concern OP - so you're only 27/28 now. I had some bum relationships in my 20s and only started with more serious men from around 27/28 - never considered children until I met the right man when I was 39. We don't all follow the same patterns but I always felt "normal" as none of my friends had families altho most married younger than me (I'm still not married). I felt pressure in my 20s to settle - mostly from myself - but from 30+ started not to give a hoot and enjoy life.
If you are concerned, and want to spend the money, you could get your fertility checked. Altho still, I had mine checked in March this year and it looked grim but I'm 42 now and 10 weeks pregnant.
I think the 20s can be tough for women. Try not to be too harsh on yourself xx

I wouldn't worry right now (easy to say) but the earliest any friend had a baby was 30 and she married the boyfriend she'd been with since 16! I was 32 when I met DH and got pregnant first month of trying at 37, you're really not leaving it late.

The main thing if you want a partner is to do you best to meet one, be that by joining social groups or things like internet dating, if you're worried you don't meet anyone.

You've got years ahead of you yet.

Take your time to meet the right person rather than just jumping in with the first partner. Get your career on track so that you have the means and stable base to support a child. That way if you don't meet Mr Right you have the means to support yourself and a child and can go it alone.

Op my situation is similar. I graduate in 2019 and will be 31. Just split with long term partner recently, no children.

You have a lot to deal with coming out of an abusive relationship. Try to focus on that and building your confidence and loving yourself. My first relationship was EA, so I have some experience on the rebuilding. It's a long and hard journey. You're not damaged goods, just we are all shaped by experiences - they don't have to define your future however.

It will all happen in good time, just try to relax.

watching this thread with interest!! also feel the panic x

Wow, overblown once again by MN support! Thanks for your wonderful stories.

I am at university but my parents didn't go: I was born when my mum was 26 and a lot of my classmates from school are on child number 2 or 3.

People in my town definitely start young. Even more are engaged or married. I was starting to feel like an outcast, to be honest.

Thank you.

I have done the freedom programme and I am a very anxious person! I practice CBT for anxiety because I've had no NHS help.

Most of my friends had their DC in their mid to late 30s.

At 27 I was just about to go into an abusive relationship I deeply regret. By 34 I was with a man I love with a baby on the way.

Things can change faster than you expect.

Best thing to do is be good to yourself. Fill your life with interesting experiences. Take the opportunities that come your way at uni and after. Pursue things that interest you. Get out in the world and enjoy life.

You never know when you might meet someone. If you work on expanding your own horizons and building an interesting life for yourself then you're more likely to meet someone else intetesting and with shared interests along the way I reckon.

What opportunities are there through your uni? Are there societies or voluntary groups that interest you? I was at uni as a mature student and made some great friends there. There wasn't anyone I would have been romantically interested in as they were mature students but still much younger - but even so, hanging out with them got me out and about to places in town where there were people my age - had I not been in a relationship by then, this woukd have been a good opportunity to meet people.

Have you just started your course?

I just had my first baby at 36! Live your life at your own pace, don't be panicked or dictated to by other people.

You are not damaged goods OP, there's no such thing

I met my DH, got married and had my DD in the space of a year, I was 29. I'm from an area and cultural background where people commonly get married in their early 20s, it made me feel over the hill but I wasn't, young marriages are generally not the norm these days and you're still young.

Old, I've actually made some fab young friends this year! I sit with a group of predominantly 18 year old men (a couple of women) and we get along so well. We are perhaps a bit more nerdy and introverted than others and have really clicked.

I'm also involved in the wilderness medicine society so have made connections there, I was student rep which allowed me to meet people, and I've set up a brand new book club for next year that I'm running with a couple of fantastic young women. I also made some great mature friends on my access course last year and we talk all the time.

I think I just lose confidence when I come back to my home town.

People that have professional careers and therefore years of study do tend to start families later.

I would work on your issues first so that when someone comes along you can ask make informed decisions on if they are good for you. You probably have a vulnerability that dodgy men can sniff out. I know people may not like that comment but your boundaries are probably not robust enough, I was involved with a DV charity and it's a theme.

Never consider yourself damaged you are a person that had a hard time and are making the best of things.
Well done on getting to University. I was a first in the family in to higher education my life has turned out very differently from my sisters.

I felt the same as you are once so can totally understand. My relationship ended when I was 27 and I had to move back home with my parents, was soul destroying being back in my old bedroom while my best friends were living happily with their husbands and babies. I felt I had nothing.

I met my now DH when I was 29, I wasn't looking, I was still trying to rebuild my life but he came along and 3 years later we are married and in a lovely home together.

I wanted to have babies immediately because I felt I was getting old. This forum can be so good at times though, I now know that early 30's isn't a time for panic, your baby making days aren't over there is so much time and there is no need to panic.

We are really enjoying our time together right now and babies aren't on the cards yet, don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Enjoy your time.

Why does it matter if people in your town start young? Finish your education and enjoy yourself, there's plenty of time left.

I've been with DP since the age of 17 and don't want children until I'm around 30 because I want to build up my career first. Doing things young or quickly isn't always best.

Depending on your degree, you may end up working and living somewhere other than your home town anyway.

FWIW, my grandmother (father's mother) was 38 when she had her first child (in 1918), my mother and father were 34 when they had their first child, I was 38 when I had my first child and almost 40 when I had my second (and conceived both at the first attempt).

Circumstances dictated - wars, economics, not meeting the right person until in the 30s.

And a snippet from the ONS - In 2014, over half (52%) of all live births were to mothers aged 30 and over and two-thirds (67%) of fathers were aged 30 and over.

I didn't get married until my 30s, had my DS at 36. If I have a second it will be in my early 40s. You have a lot of time to meet someone and start a family. I know it's a cliche, but right now you have no idea where life will take you.

I met my DH at 29 married at 31. First baby at 34 and second at 36. When we met I felt very much like you that life was getting in and there was no prospect of a great romance on the cards let alone one that would last for the rest of my life and lead me to having children.

We met volunteering for the same charity.

He and my children are the best most unexpected thing to ever happen to me. There is always time. My life was SO different only a year or two after thinking the same as you are now.