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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband midlife crisis?

44 replies

Lavenderblu1 · 04/08/2017 23:30

Husband says he needs time apart to sort his head out but that he loves me and the kids but he's trying to figure out what it is that he wants!! We had counselling few months ago after he was spending more and more time out, and not listening to my concerns. I was diagnosed with cancer (luckily no treatment just monitoring) this year and he assured me it was my turn to be looked after etc. Anyone else got DH that's done similar??

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/08/2017 23:31

Look for OW

mistermagpie · 04/08/2017 23:34

Yep, sorry but I would suspect an affair or at least that his head has been turned.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 04/08/2017 23:39

I'd say he can have as much bloody space as he wants. Permanently.

tallwivglasses · 05/08/2017 00:18

Send him off with a merry wave while pointing out that you have a choice too. He really is being a bit of a wanker.

Kr1stina · 05/08/2017 00:45

I agree, there's another woman. Sorry.

babycow38 · 05/08/2017 00:51

Sorry Op, it does look like an affair, have you got information or back up to out him

Original poster

Lavenderblu1 · 05/08/2017 08:02

No I haven't got any proof or anything and I'm sure that he hasn't. He goes away on bike trips with the lads and I've always been ok with it but I said to him as he gets to do that, all I'm asking for is a week away in Devon with kids, weekends away by the sea. But he never wants to do that he said he only wants to go somewhere hot to lay by pool and somewhere where kids aren't around us all the time!!! I said a compromise would be a villa with pool,then he says he doesn't want to do a villa!! The more travelling we have to do the more tired I get, that's why id rather not travel too far. Any holiday away from the house is a break isn't it? Anyway, everything just seems to be what he wants. He said he knows he's selfish!! It's difficult because I don't know what my health will be like in 5 years time, but we can't carry on like this. I think though that I do think now that he can go have his space. But a part of me just wants him to hold me and say everything will be alright, but I know I can't rely on him for support. He should be the one person I can speak to about how I'm really feeling (about my health, I say "I'm fine" to everyone even when I'm not), but he says he can't handle me, work, teenage daughter, elderly parents, etc!???

OP posts:

LittleOwl · 05/08/2017 08:14

My heart goes out to you. It reads as if you are expected to hold everything together and keep the relationship going. Is he afraid of your illness? not sure how this helps you though. Net net - is your DH providing you with any support?

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/08/2017 08:17

Yes my husband dumped me when I was seriously ill and looking at having to use a wheelchair, just pissed off leaving me with no money, a part time job and debts.
Now I've had good treatment and it looks like I'm going to be ok and have a great well paid job he wants to come back. guess what my reply was, and yes it has f's in it.
Some men can't cope with any kind of illness or unpleasantness in their lives and just seem to lose it altogether.
i hope you are ok OP.

Achoopichu · 05/08/2017 08:23

Keep you eyes wide open for signs.

Mine started with bike trips - he used to wear his mankini with his mates on bike trips where there was always a pub involved (for rehydration right?)

Took me a few months to find the texts

I'm much happier now without him, and have found someone who really appreciates me.

Achoopichu · 05/08/2017 08:26

At the very least he is being extremely selfish and I suspect he is making you feel worse when he should be making you feel better

Original poster

Lavenderblu1 · 05/08/2017 09:04

Thank you everyone! Yes he just can't cope with everything - but he was even a bit like that before my diagnosis. A couple of years ago when I said enough was enough (him constantly going out and not listening to me, like spending loads of money when we haven't
Got it!) he blamed it on his dad dying. Then he's fine and it happens again and he always blames it on something - his dad passing away, our teenage being a typical teenager, my diagnosis, etc. And he also said a few months ago that he thinks he's got 15 good years left in him - and his voice trailed off, meaning he doesn't want to spend it with me. He said I need to get a full time job. (I had cleaning jobs I did that fitted in with school pickups etc, but had to stop them at Xmas because too physical). So I said he doesn't help me do garden or anything else and I couldn't cope with full time job! He said he works hard and doesn't want to spend any of his spare time doing DIY or stuff round the house! He's coming over this morning to talk (he's staying at his mates nearby). Then I'm going out so he can be with kids for the day. We did agree that we have this separation and see if we are happier apart, and that we would talk again in September, but he keeps wanting to talk, and it keeps throwing me off balance😒.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/08/2017 09:09

You don't have to agree to all these "chats". In fact, a couple of weeks without him - and without ANY communication with him -- will show you how you really feel, once and for all.

He's said his piece. Now you can say yours -- you need time and space to think.

Then no contact for 2 weeks, minimum.

ElspethFlashman · 05/08/2017 09:10

Of course he keeps wanting to talk - he wants to reassure himself that if his freedom all goes tits up, you'll be on the hook waiting in the wings.

If I were you I would disabuse him of that notion. Even if it's not true in your heart. Fake it and tell him that it wouldn't be a separation, it would be a permanent solution, as you deserve much much more than someone who has one foot in and one foot out.

Remind him that you may meet someone else (even if that's the last thing on your mind!) And you think it's much better to make a clean break.

Call his bluff. The arsehole.

Mrsfluff · 05/08/2017 09:13

My ex husband had a mid-life crisis, a blonde 19!!! He swore nothing was going on, that there was nobody else, but it was all lies whilst he weighed up his options. I divorced him and my life changed for the better, in do may ways.

AnyFucker · 05/08/2017 09:13

The Beautiful South. A Little Time. Google the lyrics.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/08/2017 09:14

He has been and continues to remain supremely selfish throughout. This individual really does want his cake and eat it too. I did snort at his idea that "he works hard and doesn't want to spend any of his spare time doing DIY or stuff round the house!" (thus expecting you be default to do that all as well). You've tried counselling and are now in the midst of a separation. I would make that separation state a permanent one.

HeavenlyEyes · 05/08/2017 09:18

I would bet my house there is an OW - sorry. Check out the script - he is following it to the letter. And I am afraid as well as a SHL you will need an STI test.

HeavenlyEyes · 05/08/2017 09:20

And btw stop having him over to 'talk' - he picks the kids up on the doorstep and takes them away. No more setting foot over the threshold for him. He is paying you maintenance and you are claiming everything you are entitled to? He has no need to have any discussions with you about anything except to arrange when he is picking up and dropping of DC.

Skylark678 · 05/08/2017 09:27

If this trail separation is going to work then no "little chats" Have clear rules in place and stick to them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You have a choice too, don't let him dictate to you what's going to happen.

DownTownAbbey · 05/08/2017 09:50

What Heavenlyeyes said.

Do yourself a favour and take control. Don't let a weak man keep you in suspense. And be careful of letting him in the house unaccompanied. My ex wiped my laptop. I don't know why but I didn't know about his financial fuckwittery or his OW at that stage so I guess he was hiding evidence.

Chloe421 · 05/08/2017 09:58

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would agree with others that there may well be another woman in this scenario. Above all else you must remember that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Set some clear boundaries for the trial separation and focus on yourself and your children. You deserve to be with someone who shows you every day that they appreciate you for who you are. Best of luck whatever you decide.

MachineBee · 05/08/2017 09:59

Another one here saying 'affair'. If it hasn't actually started, he's thinking about it.

As PPs say, he's keeping you on a convenient hook to reassure himself he can still come back, while he grapples with his conscience about infidelity.

Good film to watch is The Holiday with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black and Jude Law.

ofudginghell · 05/08/2017 10:08

He will keep wanting to wonder in and out as and when relying on your good nature and possible weakness right now to reassure himself that your still there in every way while he decides what he wants.

Did engage they say and it works.
Politely tell him that he's said his bit and now he needs to step back and leave you to digest and also make your choices and decisions in the situation. Remind him that he isn't the only one that's unhappy in the marriage and you also need to consider your options.

Work out set days that he will pick kids up and have them ready on time so he can pick up at the door and go and same with drop off.

Distance yourself emotionally for a minute to protect yourself.
And you may find that actually you can and will manage and will get stronger.
Don't let him make all the decisions.

All good advice gleaned from this site.

Cricrichan · 05/08/2017 10:15

I'd tell him to fuck off for good. You sound so lovely op, and it's shit you have to put up with this selfish excuse for a man. Whether there is or isn't OW it doesn't matter, there are no redeeming qualities in him. Leave him, have your holiday without him and then get whatever job you want. Remodel the garden so it needs no care and find a job that suits you as he'll also have the kids and have no choice but to do all the jobs he doesn't want to do.

At the moment he really is having his cake and eating it and not even offering you the crumbs.

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