Husband midlife crisis?

[Lavenderblu1]

Husband says he needs time apart to sort his head out but that he loves me and the kids but he's trying to figure out what it is that he wants!! We had counselling few months ago after he was spending more and more time out, and not listening to my concerns. I was diagnosed with cancer (luckily no treatment just monitoring) this year and he assured me it was my turn to be looked after etc. Anyone else got DH that's done similar??

Totally agree with comments above. I reckon he's hedging his bets to see whether the door will still be open if OW doesn't leave her partner and he ends ups alone.

Even if none of that is the case, he is still going off to have "me time" while you struggle with a cancer diagnosis.

He doesn't deserve you. Tell him you need time to decide whether you want such a selfish narcissist in your life and not to contact you.

Meanwhile - I recommend either www.melanietoniaevans.com or www.spartanlifecoach.com for recovering from narcissistic abuse.

By the sounds of it if you do stay together this will happen over and over again, you already do everything do you actually need him in your life? He sounds like an emotional drain who doesn't do one jot. You don't need the added pressure that he brings. I wish you all the best in your future and I hope you choose a future without him for your own sake xx

I'm sorry lavender but your h is a selfish dick. I had one exactly the same, they're incapable of participating fully in family life.
My exh also used to go on to me about working full time (I have worked part time since both my children were 6 months). Like you, I knew I'd be lumbered with all the household stuff (practical and emotional) while working full time.
He went off and pursued all his interests and they always came first.
I think he liked the idea of having the facade of family life while living the single life.
Eventually, he left me and his family for another woman who indulged his every need it seems. He used the excuse that I wasn't contributing enough financially. I know now it was an excuse and he simply didn't want to be here.
2 and a half years down the line and me and my girls are doing just fine. We've moved house, I got divorced and I can honestly say I'm a lot happier without the waste of space that was my exh. The only thing he contributed was the mounds of stinking washing and tons of pots that I now don't have to wash.
It's scary, going it alone but you'll deal with it and eventually be a lot happier for it.
I certainly wouldn't change my life for the life I had. I deserve better and so do you.

He just said he thinks he's this way because we've never done a holiday abroad every year so he can recharge, then maybe he can cope if he gets recharged. He said his bike trips away are fun but not relaxing. ???

No - he is using this as an excuse to be an unfaithful prick. Why are you listening to his lies and giving them such credence?

I listened to a really interesting radio chat about how men cope with their partners being diagnosed with cancer or other serious illness. In many, many cases men cannot deal with being the carer. Apparently a mixture of nature and 'programming' by society means they can't emotionally cope with the demands of caring for someone like this, as this is traditionally seen as a woman's role.

Some men have affairs, some men take up adrenaline fuelled hobbies, some men become emotionally detached, go out drinking with their mates, become obsessed with sports - basically a whole bunch of things that 'prove' their masculinity.

I've seen it with my parents, with a good friend of mine, and a work colleague. Right or wrong it does seem to explain a lot of men's reactions in this situation. So don't just assume he is having an affair, but he may need some external help to deal with your cancer diagnosis. Hope you can get through this.

That's interesting amiable. When my mum was dying with lung cancer I made sure I was there every night, despite being a full time working single mum. The men in the family including my dad "found it too depressing" to go too often

Pathetic. No excuses for such childish, self centred behaviour.

@OP dont forget that none of the posters here (me included) have to live with the consequences.

You've posted 643 words (I actually checked), and from that PPs can determine that he's abusive; having an affair, a wanker; selfish; an arsehole; given you an STI...

Who knows, they could all be right.

How about googling suicide rates for DH's age group? He's waving a flag.

He came over this morning and said that he thinks he's the way he is because in the last 5 yeArs we haven't had a week abroad holiday for him to unwind etc. But we've done CenterParcs and every time I suggested a log cabin and fishing, or staying at beach, he doesn't want to because it means entertaining kids aswell. He said if we go away now things might be better. I said I don't think that's the answer for everything but I want to go away for the kids??

why are you having him over and having such cosy chats while he tells you where you went wrong and blames you for his own fecklessness. Go and find your self esteem fgs and tell him to bugger right off. He is like a dog with 2 dicks atm with you bending over backwards to accomodate him and listen to his own pr drive. He is behaving like this because he is a selfish prick - this is not your fault.

If you are having a break :WHY are you talking to him?
If you are having a break why not go away somewhere with the kids?

And do you have support over your diagnosis? If not start looking for a support group and finding out how to get proper support when you need it.

At present he isn't being a partner or even much of a father.

Take the kids away by yourself and have a good, long, hard think.
Change the locks before you go, or ask someone to housesit.
Block him on your phone so he can't ruin it for you all.

While you're away, listen to that beautiful silence. Hear that?
Thats the calm, peaceful life waiting for you after the storm.

You do know, don't you, that lots of people ( including families with children ) NEVER go aboard on holiday. And yet all these men, women and children manage not to shag around and run out on their families.

And lots of parents ( especially mothers ) NEVER get to holiday on their own without the kids ( e.g. Bike holidays) and yet they don't abandon their kids.

Your H sounds like a selfish ,self centered teenager.

It's all just narcissistic tosh! A fortnight away abroad without kids and he'd be a loving husband and father the other 50 weeks of the year? I think not!

Oh please tell him to go find himself & go away with your kids and enjoy yourselves. Tell him not to bother you while you're away or when you get back.

Stop talking with him op

Your just reinforcing his need to sound like he's done nothing wrong or doesn't want to partake in adult family life

Seriously just tell him he's being a dick if thats the excuse he's coming up with for wanting to up and leave his kids. He's just trying to make himself feel better and your allowing it by engaging and actually taking in what he's saying to you.
He's basically blaming you and family life for stressing him out a bit.

Well tell him tough tits he has a family for life and he can either grow a pair and be a dad and husband or he can frig off but he doesn't get to make excuses and piss you around.
He doesn't want family or friends to think badly of him which is why he's making excuses up.

You need to toughen up op.
Disengage disengage disengage.

All the time your available he will keep you hanging on. That's not respectful or the decent thing you do to the mother of your children.

He basically can't cope with being a dad. He sounds like he resents them. I get that people want a break from the kids. Can he stump up the cash to send them on a residential summer camp for a week?

I've done it before and went away with DH. I've also just relaxed while they've been gone.

Though I think your DH has more issues than the kids. It's as though he wants the single life again.

So you have been diagnosed with cancer and what does your dh do?
Decide that he needs a foreign holiday. A holiday which is not the right choice for his ill wife. A holiday where he pretends to be childless .

He also decides he won't do any diy or housework or childcare.
How the fuck does he think single parents cope?

It's all a bit too much for him.

I don't care how much he can't cope, he is a fucking dick.

I have no idea what you will do op, but I'll tell you this, if you were my daughter I think I would blow the fuckers brains out and then hang them on the gatepost for all to see.

What ofudginghell said.

You need to hang tough. Stop listening to his ludicrous self-justifying nonsense.

Put yourself first.