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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Quasi husband thinks I'm ugly

48 replies

burstthebubble22 · 04/08/2017 17:27

So me and this guy haven't broken up but I was supposed to marry him and because I'm in a financial mess I couldn't go through with the marriage plans (there was no wedding organised yet). I thought it was the wisest thing. To wait. He took it as me not loving him enough to marry.

So that's a bit of context.

He feels hurt and I understand that. He went online and in some thread about a girl constantly seeking male attention he mentioned how he fell in love with an ugly fat girl (me) who turned out to be a girl looking for male attention, who broke his heart. He also said that taught him again the lesson that going after a homely looking girl thinking she's a better person than a very pretty one is wrong.

He snooped around my emails before we sort of broke up due to me not agreeing to marry and found posts I had made on Craigslist in 2015 in the platonic section looking for people to speak to as just friends.
He saw I always said no meet ups, no pics, no dirty talk, no flirting. Somehow for him this still constitutes attention-seeking and now I am a fat girl looking for male attention in his eyes.
I never exchanged any pictures with anyone and haven't been in contact with anyone since then. I failed to see how I am an attention-seeking person. I'm the total opposite. He hasn't found anything bad at all.
I replied once then stopped because these people just didn't interest me.
He was talking to girls online too at the time (which I knew about and that's the only difference).

He's always had a problem with my weight and he has a weight problem too.

When I confronted him about the post he made yesterday, because I felt like garbage obviously, he said he knew I'd see that post and it was just venting and exaggerating things.

I feel so humiliated that he thinks that. I think of when we had sex and all that and feel like killing myself. I'm not kidding. How do I feel good about myself knowing I trusted him and he has always seen me as an ugly girl.

He tried to make it sound like words said in anger sort of but before we got together he had seen a pic of me from my ex and thought I looked homely and I was slim then. I must conclude that that's his real opinion. Even if he did tell me during the course of our relationship that he thinks I'm pretty and I can be good-looking if I lose the weight. I can't believe all that now anymore.

It was just my face in the pic. Nothing else. He justified that by telling me that he thought it was the classic pose of someone fat hiding that they're fat so he found it unattractive but that's not true because then I wasn't a fatty. I put on weight quite a while after that pic was taken.

OP posts:

meltingmarshmallows · 04/08/2017 17:32

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but he sounds like a complete arsehole. You don't deserve to be treated this way and have dodged a major bullet by not marrying him.

He sounds as though he's picking a pet - looked homely. WTF does that mean? That he thought you'd be good 'wife material' as you would cook and clean?

Your weight does not have any impact on your prettiness or value. The issue here is entirely his.

It's possible if it's a forum he knows you know he frequents, that he did post it knowing you would see and to be cruel. Either way though, surely this isn't someone you should be with?

I hope you're ok and that you can work out what you want to do next

meltingmarshmallows · 04/08/2017 17:33

Sorry just saw the bit about him saying you could be pretty if you lost weight ... He sounds extremely controlling and generally awful. Run a mile.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/08/2017 17:35

What a good thing you didn't marry him, he sounds horrible, cruel and unkind. You've dodged a bullet there.

Original poster

burstthebubble22 · 04/08/2017 17:40

Homely as in plain-looking, ugly. The way he is he saw plain girls as wife material? Like less likely to want men's attention, dress provocatively etc.
He has realised that's not the case well before meeting me anyway.

I saw that post by chance. He said he knew I would click on that specific thread but I don't fully believe that. In any case calling me ugly, even just to make me angry or see if I took the bait, is just childish. It's what kids do, pick on someone's physical aspect to hurt them.

OP posts:

Original poster

burstthebubble22 · 04/08/2017 17:42

I'm not really ok at the moment.

I like how he says "find someone else" after he makes me feel like a monster, in every sense. He seems to think that since I hurt him with the decision of not marrying him right now he can be an asshole and that's alright because I hurt him.

Whenever I was bringing up that post he would shift it to me treating him like trash and spitting on his love and so on.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 04/08/2017 17:42

he has a weight problem too.

He feels that shit about himself he has to put you down to make himself feel superior to you, are you mad OP, do you really want to be with a person that treats you so badly, he sounds beyond awful, he sounds vile!!!!!

Adora10 · 04/08/2017 17:43

Nothing to do with you calling of wedding, he's just an arsehole full stop.

ClemDanfango · 04/08/2017 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 04/08/2017 17:44

He sounds awful and as though you've had a lucky escape.
But why on earth are you stalking him round the internet, reading his posts (which he wrote because he knew you would read them) and then getting in arguments with him?
Work on not giving him another moment's headspace.

Spudlet · 04/08/2017 17:45

He sounds like a catch

You dodged a big old bullet there - assuming you are properly broken up. If not, make it so! Pity any poor woman who doesn't manage to see through him before it's too late.

You'll find someone who deserves you OP - he certainly didn't.

Original poster

burstthebubble22 · 04/08/2017 17:48

The post was anonymous. I knew it was him because of what he wrote and when I confronted him he didn't deny it was his. I was on there just to have a look as I was bored and destiny made it so that I saw it.

OP posts:

Ceebs85 · 04/08/2017 17:51

His actions and words say a LOT more about him than they do about you so please please don't let them effect your confidence.

It sounds like
a) He's a dick and you had a lucky escape
b) He's saying things that he knows will hurt you rather than things he actually thinks
c) much of what he's saying about you are actually his own insecurities!
d) He's hurt and lashing out

You will get over this, find someone who truly loves you and deserves you then thank your lucky stars uou didn't get lumbered with this one

Shoxfordian · 04/08/2017 17:52

He sounds really horrible

Be happy you didn't marry him

NotTheFordType · 04/08/2017 17:54

He's a cunt.

What are you plans to move on? Are you working? Let's talk about setting you free from this piece of shit so you can find someone who values you.

PerspicaciaTick · 04/08/2017 17:54

So it might not have been him at all...maybe he just wanted to see how far you would go with your confrontation?
It all sounds very weird and unhealthy.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/08/2017 17:56

You need to get rid of him OP. He will drag you down to his lever. You deserve much better.

StormTreader · 04/08/2017 17:58

You dodged a huge bullet - I would say he was looking for someone to control and belittle, and you not marrying him and being trapped under his control immediately is why hes angry with you now.

You dont need someone like that in your life.

NinonDeLenclos · 04/08/2017 17:59

Leaving everything else aside - mainly the fact that you've dodged a massive bullet - why would a fat man with an ugly personality have an issue with your weight? Why would even spend time with someone like that?

If he wants to fat-shame someone he can look in the mirror.

Comps83 · 04/08/2017 17:59

You know what you should do, if you feel you have gained a lot of weight. Concentrate on yourself, eat healthy and exercise if you can. Lose some weight, buy a new dress, a new haircut etcetc and find someone else. Best revenge.
It's better to be single than be with someone like that.

hippyhippyshake · 04/08/2017 18:01

Goodness, I don't know where to start! Ditch ditch ditch! Get away while you still have an ounce of self-esteem and start building up your confidence again. People marry for love and if he loved you he would make you feel good about yourself, not talk about your weight and looks in that derogatory way. Look on this as a lucky escape and find someone worthy of you.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 04/08/2017 18:03

He has no respect for you. He's part of your past now - leave him there and move on.

demirose87 · 04/08/2017 18:04

So sorry that you've had to put up with this awful man. He's got no respect for you. Looks are nothing to do with your self worth.

Shockers · 04/08/2017 18:13

As we were separating, I heard my XH tell his mum on the phone that he 'could've had someone much prettier, with a much nicer personality' than me.

It was his hurt speaking. Since then he has admitted to our now adult son that we just weren't right for each other and he regrets how spiteful he was when I ended the marriage.

Your partner is going for your Achilles because he's hurting. Try to ignore it... don't read his posts, then move onto your new life. If your weight bothers you, you could use the time you would've spent with him going for long walks and cooking healthy meals. Onwards and upwards .

winglesspegasus · 04/08/2017 18:15

hes a fuckin idiot
leave it be get on with your life dont waste anymore time on this asshat

Original poster

burstthebubble22 · 04/08/2017 18:16

Yes, I work in Sainsbury's part time on nights.

He has no job. I took out a loan to rent a flat so we could live together because with my income and not being eligible for housing benefit that was the only option I had.

He needed me to marry him to stay in this country (he's from the USA) and find a job. He stayed 6 months then had to fly back to avoid becoming illegal. He wanted to stay and build a family with me and find a job once he could legally look for one. I didn't want to marry in my situation. He says if I really loved him I wouldn't have let him go.
Don't think he was using me and he left me 4k in dollars to pay me back for the expenses.

My lease is up and not sure I can keep my flat still so I had huge doubts about marrying.

OP posts:

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