MIL

[MILhelpneeded]

I've name changed for this as my usual username would be highly identifying. I honestly do not know how the get over my negative feelings towards my MIL and try and move past these...

For a bit of background, my DP has never got on with his mum (neither do his siblings), she is a very difficult woman and was not the the best mum according to my DP- there was lots of shouting and screaming, manipulation etc. MIL is so very entitled and believes she is always right and everyone seems to enable her behaviour, including DP, who moan incessantly about her, quite frankly, obnoxious and rude behaviour towards everyone but do not reproach her at all.

I have been with DP approx 5 years and we have 2 DC (18 months and 3 months) and MIL has been intolerable since then. When DC1 was born she completely ruined my experience by her overbearing and constant interference, she refused to acknowledge me as mummy and called me 'the milk machine' for ages, would hold onto DC for hours only hand back for a feed and then snatch away again, told everyone that she thought I had PND (I didn't)....oh I could go on and on about the awful things she put me through but this was post would be LONG.

DP has always been on my side and has spoken very firmly to his mother but always tries and keeps the peace eventually.

We negotiated that MIL would look after DC1 for one morning a week when I returned to work (we didn't need her to but it kept he peace and her quiet) it was working okay, she would mess us around a little bit but we paid our childminder for the whole day so it didn't make too much fuss for us. MIL has constantly gone on and on about how little she saw DC even though we would usually have a quick visit at the weekend too.

Recently I've had DC2 who she has no interest what so ever in- she has held DC2 three times in 3 months, polar opposite to DC1, doesn't buy gifts for DC2 yet showers DC1 in them - I've raised with DP and he has said to keep an eye on it and will raise if it continues.

MIL continues to obsess over my DC1 to the point she is openly taking the piss - bringing DC1 back an hour and half late (no apology), telling me she won't be bringing her back at the time I want as she won't get to see DC so she'll be back 2 hours after the time. I have raised with her and she did bring her back but is now requesting time on other days (when I've planned stuff) as she is the hard done to grandparent (not bothered about DC2 though) and DP has agreed to let her have her some weekend days - I'm livid about that but apparently I have to compromise.

I just cannot get over my rage towards her, it's eating me up, I can't stand to hear her voice now and I don't want her anywhere near my children (I physically recoil when she cuddles and kisses DC1) but my DC1 loves her, and my DP would never go NC as he adores his dad (enabler) and manipulated by his mum to constantly feel guilty. I honestly could punch her most of the time and I need to find a way to deal with it.

When I return to work, I'm hoping she says she can't look after both kids as then I can stop her having DC but I don't want her to anyway...I also need to deal with her behaviour now. HELP ME.

He says that although he can't stand her, he can't let his bad relationship colour her and DCs - I disagree, I think she's toxic. However, my DC1 loves her - she is good with them but it seems to be in a self indulgent way - I want to be the most loved grandparent or actually person in their life.

The whole situation needs a complete rethink. She cannot be dictating to you when she sees your DC and then bringing them back late etc. Someone needs to put their foot down with her. If your partner won't do it then it has to be you. It's not fair that you feel so angry and resentful and have to just suck it up.

"MIL I've noticed you've been late bringing DC home the past three times you've seen them- this is causing me problems. Please stick to the arranged time or you won't be able to take them again."

Who cares I she plays hard done by she called you a MILK MACHINE FFS.

I agree with you @KarmaNoMore it is completely about control - she wants my DC to be her little pet.

When my DP and his siblings grew up not listening to her anymore/being defiant that's when the screaming at them started.

To me it seems pretty obvious that you shouldn't be having your MIL watching your kids for any reason. It's only bringing misery into your life.

@Cring I did do that this week and told her she was making life difficult bringing DC back late (nicely though) but now she has been rewarded by my DP by having DC1 all day at the weekend. Aggghhh even writing this makes me mad.

Well the hell is she looking after your kids?

@loveyoutothemoon she's only interested in DC1 so only has them. I am forced into it by polite obligation - she is their grandmother and it is only right that she sees them regularly apparently. If it solely were up to me, I wouldn't let her.

My sister has a MIL just like this. It has made her life a living hell. The only thing you can do is go NC. It's harsh, but otherwise your life will be totally dominated by her and her unreasonable behaviour. It has ruined my sister's life.

Having read your post the best thing for you personally and your children would be to have no contact with either of his parents. He may for his own reasons still want a relationship of sorts with his parents but it does not automatically follow that you have to.

I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of that resonates with your own experiences of his mother. It is NOT your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. She certainly has a willing enabler in her H, he is a truly weak man and a bystander to all this too.

Your DH does not get along with his mother understandably given her excesses of behaviour but he is very much still in a FOG state with regards to her hence him allowing her more time with these children (whom by the way she is already moulding into the golden child and scapegoat. She is favouring your eldest child at the expense of your youngest; an action that will damage their relationship with each other going forward). Such favouritism should not be at all tolerated by you or he. Due to his own FOG and damaging conditioning at his parents hands (I include his dad too because he has completely failed his son here too) he has and will let this ride. He will not act out of being so conditioned and harmed by his mother whom he is still very much afraid of. He is far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you and still very much wants and seeks her approval (also another reason for giving into her demands).

Do read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

Toxic parents make for being toxic as grandparent figures too.

Your MIL was not a good parent to her son when growing up and now she is a poor example of a grandparent to your DC. You can also see evidence of her already scapegoating your youngest child and favouring your eldest (the golden child and a role also not without price).

I would think your DP was himself the family scapegoat as a child within his dysfunctional family of origin. That particular dynamic is being now played out in his own family unit now. It has to stop and you are going to have to be the one to step up and stop this. He won't or cannot do this due to his own conditioning and FOG so you are going to have to.

So basically because your husband can't stand up to his mother your life is a misery.....she needs to be put in her place and that is behind you are your feelings...she is a toxic woman...don't let her get her own way....it will only get worse not better

Thanks@AttilaTheMeerkat I will read that.

I am going to have to take a step back from her as it's consuming me at the moment and she once again is ruining my enjoyment of DC.

@KarmaNoMore agreed. I will not tolerate my children being treated differently and have in no uncertain terms told DP this. I do think he thinks it's normal though, despite his protests that he hates her as why would you want someone like that near your kids?

@AttilaTheMeerkat he definitely was the scapegoat.

Thanks@AttilaTheMeerkat I will read that.

I am going to have to take a step back from her as it's consuming me at the moment and she once again is ruining my enjoyment of DC.

@KarmaNoMore agreed. I will not tolerate my children being treated differently and have in no uncertain terms told DP this. I do think he thinks it's normal though, despite his protests that he hates her as why would you want someone like that near your kids?

Do read the book recommended to you. Its on kindle too if that helps and there are excerpts online.

Your man does think this is "normal" though from his mother because of her conditioning of him from childhood onwards. He really does know no different and is indeed well mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt. What he also fails to realise is that his own inertia when it comes to his parents and in particular his mother is simply hurting him as well as you people, the very people he purports to love the most.

Show him the Out of the Fog website and see what response that has in him. outofthefog.website/

Not at all surprised to see that he was the scapegoat in his family of origin and he actually still is the scapegoat. His children are now also being similarly scapegoated and favoured like in MILs family unit.

Your man ought to see a therapist re his family of origin and deal with his FOG properly before this really does destroy you all as a family unit in its own right.

Stick to your guns OP and maintain and reaffirm your own boundaries here re his family of origin as and when necessary. He won't be able to fully protect his children due to his own FOG re his mother so you really need to do that for them as well as you.

my DC1 loves her, and my DP would never go NC
Well yes, I am sure if she dotes on DC1 then that affection will be returned but favouring one grandchild over another so plainly always strikes me as a concern.
DP may have reservations about her but he seems content to let her call the shots.

If MIL genuinely thought you were at risk of PND first time around she must have forgotten all about that by the time DC2 appeared. Or did she initially suggest looking after DC1 to give you time to bond with DC2?

I would be worried that, consciously or not, DP is offering DC1 up as a kind of tribute and shield so his mother stays off his back. Hence not listening to your objections about contact, in spite of apparently saying all the right things. Do DP's siblings have children, have they experienced any of this?

The "milk machine", indeed.

I'd DH won't step up you need to - it's not right -

Your MIL does not know the meaning of the word love and has no empathy at all. She is simply using your eldest child here to fill a void within her and to use this child as narcissistic supply. She will use your child to get back at you both as his parents and could well go onto steal his heart and mind right from under your very noses. Do not let that happen to you as a family!!!.

I think that Donkeys is correct about DC1 being offered up as a buffer or human shield to your MIL to get her off his back. He still seeks her approval so very much that he will use his child to gain this. Again he has done this due to his own fear, obligation and guilt surrounding his mother.

@DonkeysDontRideBicycles No, she literally doesn't have any interest whatsoever in DC2 or me. She never asks how I am or how the baby is.

One worrying thing the other day was she kept going on about my DC saying 'mummy bang and holding head' - she was all serious I laughed it off at the time as my DC went onto say 'daddy band, grandma bang' but actually in the context and after writing it all down, seems rather sinister.

Presumably one of the reasons your dp can't stand his mother is because of how she was when he was younger? If he and his siblings feel the same, then I really wonder why on earth he would be happy to allow her to look after your DC alone, especially when she so frequently undermines your wishes regarding return time etc. I too would be livid at dp agreeing to her having DC at the weekend - I'm assuming that this would otherwise be 'family's time for the four of you?

I often feel sorry for MILs on here, and find myself hoping my dils are not so hard on me as some dils on here seem to be, but I think you are totally justified in your feelings and you are entitled to make decisions about who looks after your dcs without having to compromise. I would make it clear that the next time she returns DC late will be the last time as there would be no further opportunities for her to have then alone. I'd also insist on equal treatment of both dcs - my MIL treated her other gcs very differently to how she treated mine and I know how much it hurt dcs and dh. Now dcs are adults they don't appear to care, but they don't have any relationship beyond a duty card at Christmas and on birthdays. They have their own lives now but MIL still doesn't see how she's contributed to the lack of interest they have in her.

Banana

With relation to your first paragraph the answer to that question is his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother. It is really that encompassing.

re your comment:-
"I'd also insist on equal treatment of both dcs - my MIL treated her other gcs very differently to how she treated mine and I know how much it hurt dcs and dh. Now dcs are adults they don't appear to care, but they don't have any relationship beyond a duty card at Christmas and on birthdays".

So they were in effect scapegoated but they have fought back as adults in their own ways. Indifference is the opposite of hate. Children are perceptive after all and yours now adult have the full measure of your MIL. Unfortunately insisting on equal treatment for the children will get you nowhere and would have made no difference because MIL still thinks she is doing nothing wrong here. In dysfunctional family systems the usual rules of engagement re family relations go out the window. "Normal" rules really do not apply here. Toxic people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I do not think your DILs will be harsh on you Banana because you have two qualities the OP's MIL completely lacks; empathy and insight. From what you write as well you also respect boundaries that are set.