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Original poster

AIBU to prioritise career over marriage?

35 replies

Poshjock · 04/08/2017 13:35

I have been married 10 years, he is 14 yrs older, no DC (he has 2 adult DC from a PM).

I started a new job 4 yrs ago after a horrendous time at my previous job which caused me significant time off with stress and destroyed my confidence, DH also worked in the same field and took ill health retirement due to stress and bullying.

I am loving my new job in a workplace where I have respect and recognition and I have opportunities to have a career and get promotion. This would mean relocation many miles from home.

My job requires a lot of work away from home, for weeks on end, it has proved difficult for DH who has had previous problems with PTSD, stress and depression. He is also on dialysis. A few months back he told me to choose between the job or him. He later apologised for this but has stated he wants me to consider looking for another job and has said that he no longer supports me furthering my career and that he won’t relocate.

The problem is my job has done so much to restore my confidence and I really am so happy now because of the enjoyment and fulfilment that I get from it.

Things at home have been really hard over the last few years because of the stresses from the previous job for both of us and now because of his illness. He has anger issues which makes time at home often stressful for me. Work does seem to be a welcome break at times.

Am I BU to be considering pursuing my career when it could be at the cost of my marriage?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 04/08/2017 13:38

YANBU however I think you should communicate this. I'd never marry again, as I love my work and totally understand your POV

PoisonousSmurf · 04/08/2017 13:41

Sounds like you get more out of your job than being with him. He sounds needy and whinny!
If he can't be happy for you, then he's not worth having around. Is he waiting for a transplant? Is that why he's nervous about moving and having to go the the back of the Q?
No point in both of you being miserable. Whatever job you had before, it sounds like Hell! Sad

Changedname3456 · 04/08/2017 13:42

Well, yes on one level (if you're in it for "richer or poorer" etc) but then again if your life at home is going to be miserable then perhaps the marriage has come to a conclusion.

You haven't said how old you are but I assume, from the age gap and older dc his side, that you're late 30's? In which case you have a potentially very long and hopefully fulfilling career and life ahead of you. Horrible as it is to say... he hasn't, has he? And you're going to get pulled down if you stay.

category12 · 04/08/2017 13:48

Anger issues? What do you mean by this?

Original poster
Poshjock · 04/08/2017 14:01

At the moment I am getting more out of work than being with him, but I feel so awful as he is so ill right now, it kind of feels like I am kicking a puppy Sad

He is a very shouty man. Not so much at me, but inanimate objects. He was on his games console yesterday and was screaming at it because -his son was beating him- his controller wasn't working properly. He was roaring at his phone the other day because our address didn't show up on the Dominos App. Every day my life is punctuated with a very sweary narrative, it's exhausting. Being a passenger in the car with him is akin to Chinese Water torture, sometimes I have to put on earphones and death metal music to drown out his diatribe.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 04/08/2017 14:08

Well one of you will have to make a sacrifice. And only you and he know what is more important to you.

It also seems to be the case that one of you is going to be left feeling very resentful, and it is questionable whether the marriage will survive anyway.

Why won't he relocate, just out of interest? Lots of relationships survive work-related absences but only if both parties are committed to making sure it survives. It does sound as though your DH isn't. Is he open to a discussion about why he's so set against this? It's not as if there are young children even.

In your particular circumstances, I think I'd be opting for the career progression.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2017 14:11

I would actually be asking why you are together at all. What do you get from this relationship now?.

Is he actively seeking help or has received help for the PTSD, stress and depression?. What is he doing here, has he been proactive in seeking help for his own self?

It is but a small step from throwing inanimate objects to actually knocking you about. He is a terrible example of a parent to his son as well; he reads like the Loser (see link below) too also given his behaviours when driving. You are in effect being dragged down with and by him.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2017 14:13

He may well be ill currently but you are really now being dragged down with him. And he is a person, not a puppy; do not fall for any hangdog looking eyes.

I would also be opting for the career progression in your particular case. He may well also not want to relocate also out of spite and wanting to maintain some power and control.

regularbutpanickingabit · 04/08/2017 14:16

I think you know the answer. One path takes you to confidence, self worth and identity. The other is so covered with thorns that the pain has to either lead somewhere so worth it (which means both of you being happier than now) or is best left alone.

It doesn't sound like a difficult choice. Being ill is awful. It doesn't excuse all behaviours.

Sometimes we have to protect ourselves.

scottishdiem · 04/08/2017 14:28

Does he get/want treatment for his health problems and anger management? If he is avoiding dealing with it then there is little hope as that is a real problem and is preventing him from seeing you and your career options clearly. Are you willing/able to help him recover?

You need to do what is best for you in terms of your own mental health and career and you can only do that together if he wants to.

Of course, I am not sure that a man would be given the same advice. I have seen many threads where women are advised to tell their partners to get more local jobs/less hours etc.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2017 14:29

A job you love versus an angry man?

I know which I'd choose.

jeaux90 · 04/08/2017 14:37

I'd never marry again partly for those same reasons OP. You crack on.

MsStricty · 04/08/2017 14:40

It sounds like there are two issues here, one being your work and the other being that it seems you're with a man whom you don't really love but you pity. The second one seems more pressing in terms of making a decision.

wherearemymarbles · 04/08/2017 14:46

You have grown apart and are at different life stages view age gap.

You are not wrong. As you dont have kids together why not just end it?

Original poster
Poshjock · 04/08/2017 14:49

The relocation would be to the south coast and his reason against it is he "F*n hates southerners", so he's never going to even try is he? My BF also thinks his refusal is an attempt to exert control. I want to believe that he is just striking out because he is afraid to lose me, I am sure he can see how much I am growing in confidence and he thinks that "I have changed". In the cold light of day I know that he doesn't have the right to prevent me from growing and he could embrace it and try to grow with me.

He has tried anti-depressants but didn't like how numb they made him feel. He hated counselling - thought it was useless. He doesn't believe in involving outsiders into our problems and truly believes that he can "man-up". I think that he is just burying his issues and they will blow up eventually, especially if he ends up doing something he doesn't want to just to please me. I also know how terribly depressed I was when my last job became such a disaster - I am a career woman and I can do this, I could end up resenting him if I don't try.

I am completely paralysed right now, I am terrified to have this conversation with him because I know how devastating it will be. I think I am at the point where I just need to get used to the idea that this may be the end and be prepared for it.

OP posts:
CastIronCookware · 04/08/2017 14:52

OP - I have been where you are. I grew, my ex didn't.

It culminated in him telling me that I had become the kind of woman he despised.

Put yourself first. It'll be horrid for a while, but the long term gains are worth it. And, you don't have to be alone - I am remarried to an amazing partner; we support each other to grow and celebrate each other's success and achievements.

Good luck Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2017 14:57

No he is not going to try. He has put up every obstacle he can think of, both real and imaginary, to stop you. I am interested to note also that your friend also thought his actions were out of wanting some power and control . He has no interest in trying to grow with you, he is happy in his pit.

Move on and upwards without him. It may be an idea going forward for you to have some counselling to work out exactly what attracted you to this individual, who seems so wrong for you and on so many levels, in the first instance.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/08/2017 15:02

The choice seems clear to me. Your career wins hands down. Do it and don't feel guilty.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 04/08/2017 15:10

Don't make the mistake thinking that this is about your career. This is about YOU. You have found something that gives you confidence, and he wants to strip it away. Whatever it was, he would want to get rid of it, it just happens to be your work.

Ask yourself this, would you be willing to relocate for him?

TriskelArts · 04/08/2017 15:10

What Imperial pithily said.

Time40 · 04/08/2017 15:13

his reason against it is he "Fn hates southerners", so he's never going to even try is he?*

If this is his only reason for not relocating, I think it's a very poor one. He's not working - he could relocate without any great sacrifice. How about telling him that that's where you will be living, end of, and see what he says? Please don't give up a career that you love!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/08/2017 15:19

A good loving partner would be ever so happy for you and would do everything they could to make it right.

You've married a dickhead. Being ill doesn't stop him being a dickhead.

What aspect of it being over frightens you?

HadronCollider · 04/08/2017 15:23

My uncle was dialysis and it was grim. He lost his vigour. Does he require a kidney transplant, or is it a temporary measure? I understand how much the job means to you, and as person with sometimes crippling anxiety I understand your concerns, however if my DH was so ill I don't think I could work weeks away at a time.

So I think you've answered your own question really. Do not give up the job. The relationship with your DH seems to longer fit you. Perhaps it has been that way for years, but you've only just realised now that you've been put in a position of having to make a choice. I don't think anything would stop you being with him if this wasn't the case. The fact you have pause is in itself proof that you've have clearly grown in different directions. If you leave I think you would genuinely be miserable.

It's a very very difficult choice to make and I don't envy you.

HadronCollider · 04/08/2017 15:23

Was on*

pieceofpurplesky · 04/08/2017 15:25

How old are you OP? Not that it matters. Go for the option that makes you most happy. A partner should be just that

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