AIBU to prioritise career over marriage?

[Poshjock]

I have been married 10 years, he is 14 yrs older, no DC (he has 2 adult DC from a PM).

I started a new job 4 yrs ago after a horrendous time at my previous job which caused me significant time off with stress and destroyed my confidence, DH also worked in the same field and took ill health retirement due to stress and bullying.

I am loving my new job in a workplace where I have respect and recognition and I have opportunities to have a career and get promotion. This would mean relocation many miles from home.

My job requires a lot of work away from home, for weeks on end, it has proved difficult for DH who has had previous problems with PTSD, stress and depression. He is also on dialysis. A few months back he told me to choose between the job or him. He later apologised for this but has stated he wants me to consider looking for another job and has said that he no longer supports me furthering my career and that he won’t relocate.

The problem is my job has done so much to restore my confidence and I really am so happy now because of the enjoyment and fulfilment that I get from it.

Things at home have been really hard over the last few years because of the stresses from the previous job for both of us and now because of his illness. He has anger issues which makes time at home often stressful for me. Work does seem to be a welcome break at times.

Am I BU to be considering pursuing my career when it could be at the cost of my marriage?

I had to make a choice like this a while ago. Chose my career and, although it was hard for a time, I have never regretted it. Am now engaged to a lovely man whose life/career fits in with my own (who knows though, this may change) and who fully supports my ambitions.

Your relationship with yourself is the one that will last longest and is the most important one.

He was quite horrified at the thought that I would choose a job over 10 years of marriage.

I am so worn down by his negativity and I know it is horrible living the way he is just now - dialysis is a soulless way to live and his life is so restricted right now. He is waiting for a live donor kidney (I have offered one of mine!!! - along with other people).

I will miss his family. He has lovely DS's and SIL's and his DC are such lovely young adults - I really can't see them keeping me in their lives and that is so sad. I know his DC will understand, they have commented in the past that I must have the patience of a saint to put up with his temper.

Thank you for your comments. It is nice to know that I am not a complete cow for wanting more for myself. I think he will tell everyone that I am selfish.

I think people who know you both will judge you kindly.

They've already told you they wouldn't tolerate his temper. That's what they actually meant by "patience of a saint" over his temper. It's a nice way of saying "You are being mistreated. Other people would not take it like you do."

You will probably find people saying how much they hated him and wished you would leave him. Even members of his own family I bet.

Not only do I think you should definitely choose the job, but can you imagine if you didn't? You would surely end up so frustrated, depressed and bittter and probably end up splitting up anyway.

I hope your step children decide they do want to stay in touch.

Himop

There's an old saying that "misery loves company" I often find that depressed couples struggle when one starts getting better, because the other person either can't or won't move with them.

💐

Career. Short debate.

I'd bet if the situation were reversed he'd be expecting you to relocate...

Career, and your own well-being and happiness along with that.

YA definitely NBU! If you put this miserable marriage before your career, which is giving you self confidence and happiness, you will always regret it. You are certainly not a cow!!

I think you know the answer. One path takes you to confidence, self worth and identity. The other is so covered with thorns that the pain has to either lead somewhere so worth it (which means both of you being happier than now) or is best left alone.

It doesn't sound like a difficult choice. Being ill is awful. It doesn't excuse all behaviours.

Sometimes we have to protect ourselves.

This ^ by regularbutIpanicked

If he were a lovely man you'd have a real condundrum. But he's an arsehole. No lovely man would refuse point blank to move because they 'hate' everyone in the area.

I think the problem may be, actually, that when he realises you will make the move, he may change his mind, move with you and make your life a misery in the south too.