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Original poster

Ex Sister in Law in fury because I won't get in car with her

37 replies

AvocadoBathroom · 04/08/2017 13:00

My exes narcissistic sister is meant to be visiting this weekend to see the various kids - she's staying with him. She just texted me to say that she wants to pick me and my kids and go to the zoo. (I don't drive)
I said to her that I couldn't agree to us going in the car with her anymore after an incident that happened last year where she drove with me the wrong way up a busy street with blind corners that led off a busy main road. She'd been talking so much when she did it - she talks NON STOP and she's always getting lost in the car and not listening to the navigator that it's actually quite anxiety provoking being in the car with her at all times. We end up an hour late to everything because she gets lost and talks incessantly when she's driving.
The actual incident itself was really scary when it happened, it's a road where people are slowing down to 40, and we drove for a couple of minutes with her saying "Oh shit, Oh shit" and me thinking "OMG we are going to have a head on collision because no car will see us coming round the corner"

So after that incident I told my ex and he was sympathetic - and I said to the kids we weren't going to get in the car with her again. When I said to her, look we can't drive with you after what happened last time, she flew into a massive rage, has cancelled the trip up, and then her mother (my ex MIL) was on the phone screaming at me that I'd hurt her daughters feelings and that to tell the kids that my ex SIL was a bad driver was a betrayal of trust and that we could never do any family trips again.
I said "I think you are totally over reacting, we can just get the train to the zoo and have a great time, but also I'm the kids mother and I am the one who decides whether I feel safe with them in the car with (batshit) XSIL "
Then they tried to minimise the driving up the road the wrong way, said it was a "quiet side road" it wasn't, said it could happen to anyone, said I was being totally unreasonable. I said "This is turning into a big drama" reply was "THERE IS NO DRAMA" ffs.
I think I'm totally within my rights to say no, I think this person is a dangerous driver! And no I don't want my kids to deal with that! My ex is in agreement. He said to me not to pick up the phone to them. This morning have just received a flurry of really really long texts saying they hope I enjoy my weekend and that I'm selfish for not allowing them to see the kids.

OP posts:

cees · 04/08/2017 13:07

Your ex is right do not pick up or engage. Your decision is final, do not explain any further.

Anecdoche · 04/08/2017 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebornSlippy · 04/08/2017 13:15

I fully accept that I'll be in the minority. I also respect that you are the children's mother and therefore 100% within your rights to refuse to travel with your SIL.

However, all that being said, my initial gut reaction was that you are being a drama llama.

Angelf1sh · 04/08/2017 13:15

You and your ex are in agreement (and in the right) so you're all good!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 04/08/2017 13:21

She was so distracted she drove the wrong way down a one way street?

I'd give being a passenger in her car ever again a wide swerve too. After all, it is not like you have said "No" to her seeing you or the children, you have offered to meet her there and she is the one who is spitting her dummy.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2017 13:26

Don't back down, don't justify your decision and don't apologize. Your exSIL and exMIL are pissed off - oh well! Too damn bad. And then they cancel the whole trip because of their tantrum! They are the drama queens, not you.

scottishdiem · 04/08/2017 13:31

I think that if someone cannot really drive and drove some distance up a one way street then its fair to say that the drama llamas are the ones who are minimising the risk to you and your children.

IHateUncleJamie · 04/08/2017 13:33

YANBU. Can you block the ex SIL and MIL? You don't have to tolerate harrassment by text or phone.

Your children, you get to decide who drives them.

FuckYouLinda · 04/08/2017 13:34

They are overreacting because they know that you are in the right.

You and your ex are in agreement. Do what he suggests and ignore. No doubt they'll be bending his ear as well so he can be a lot more forthright than you could be.

RatherBeRiding · 04/08/2017 13:38

I don't think you're being a drama llama for not wanting you and your DC to travel in a car with someone who gets so distracted they drive the wrong way up a busy one-way street. And then try to minimise it.

You don't feel she's a safe driver. You don't get in the car. Can't see the drama myself.

pinkdelight · 04/08/2017 13:38

Depends how you put it. If you said "I can't agree to going in the car because of last year's incident etc etc" then that was bound to get her back up as no doubt she feels embarrassed about it and is only trying to do something nice by taking you out for the day. If you said "That's a lovely idea, but please can we go by train. We can meet you at x..." and only if she'd then pushed, maybe you could've said: "I know it's silly, but the kids are still scared by what happened last year, but they love you and we'd all love to go to the zoo". Whatever, but more concillatory and even arse-kissy to keep the peace. It would inevitably create drama if you come across as judgmental when she's presumably doing her best and you don't drive. She does sound particularly bad, but sure most of us have driven the wrong way up a street at one time or another. YANBU in principle but she sounds like a nice aunt so try to be the peacemaker.

RebornSlippy · 04/08/2017 13:39

I must have missed the bit where the OP said she couldn't 'really drive'? She said she was easily distracted due to talking and drove the wrong way up a one way street. Once. I think the real issue is that the OP doesn't want to be in the car with her due to incessant talking and poor sense of direction. This is understandable. However, I don't think the OP told her the real reason for her reluctance to travel in her car. Instead she focussed on the one way street incident; the once off. This has made SIL and MIL angry as the see it as unfair to punish her for a one-off; albeit a dangerous one.

Topseyt · 04/08/2017 13:40

Do not back down. She sounds like a terrible driver.

You weren't safe in her car last time and there is no reason to believe that a next time would be any different.

Your ex is right. Don't answer and don't engage. I would even block them if they become abusive.

Perhaps take the kids for a nice day out at the zoo by yourself, without the stress of her being around.

RebornSlippy · 04/08/2017 13:43

I don't think they'll be offering to take you anywhere anytime soon, OP so I really wouldn't worry too much!

ReanimatedSGB · 04/08/2017 13:46

At least your ex is being sensible and backing you up. I wouldn't fancy being in a car with her either.

scottishdiem · 04/08/2017 13:47

RebornSlippy

"drove the wrong way up a one way street. Once."

Once is enough to be very worrying. I have been driving for 22 years. Have driven in half a dozen countries with different rules and signs. And have never done this. Have been nose to nose with a couple of drivers who were idiots though and had each of us being gone faster would have been in a crash. Dont excuse bad driving.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/08/2017 13:48

pinkdelight

The OP doesn't have to try to be the peacemaker. Her first responsibility in this case is to her children. SiL is a bad driver (even the ex is in agreement) and the last thing that should ever happen is the children getting in the car with her.

The OP has made quite clear the reasons for her actions and she should be applauded for for not leaving any loopholes in which the ex's family can put the children in the car with the SiL.

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 04/08/2017 13:52

I said it to her at the time (nicely) that I felt I couldn't get in a car with her again after that. Whatever they say it wasn't a quiet road, it was a busy road, right by her house so she also should know better. Over the last year I've said a couple of times (again respectfully) that we wouldn't travel in the car with her and she's always brushed it off and we've not needed to go in the car with her as we've taken the kids and either ex has driven or my partner has driven.
This time though it became epic - with massive long texts from her and screaming from the mother. I don't think I'm being dramatic here. I've been respectful with them and polite, but they keep saying "it was a quiet side street" when it's a road that leads off a busy A road and the cars turning into it would be slowing down from 60 to 40. It's sad because it could have been a nice weekend this weekend, but I can't put my kids in that danger. When I've been in a car with her before and we've been on motorways, she's missed the exit on roundabouts, swerved to get back on track, driven a mile or two in the wrong direction and all because she won't stop talking.

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/08/2017 13:53

He said to me not to pick up the phone to them.

This doesn't happen often, but I'm with your ex.

Block them.

They can arrange to see the children via their father (their son/brother).

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 04/08/2017 13:57

If it was just the one incident, I would be questioning myself and wondering if I was overreacting, but it's a general constant feeling of not being safe in the car with this person that I've had for years and that incident was the final straw. I don't think you can be concentrating on roads or navigators if you are talking non stop about people at work who the other person has never heard of. The talking non stop is an actual anxiety issue I think.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2017 14:00

Your ex is correct; do not engage further at all with these people.

I would also block their numbers from your mobile phone; you do not need to be reading their text messages.

BewareOfDragons · 04/08/2017 14:02

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Maybe Ex, who is in agreement with you, could have a calming word with his own family?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/08/2017 14:04

You have a boundary here re not getting into a car with this woman who is your ex SIL; do stick to it.

I once got in a car with FIL as a driver; never again was my thoughts as his driving was that erratic. And I stuck to my word too. (He went onto have his licence taken away from him by court order so felt further vindicated).

diddl · 04/08/2017 14:08

So you also suggested the train & that was a no?

You offered an alternative for travel arrangements for your kids.

Good that ex is in agreement. I was reading it thinking that surely she'll just take them somewhere when they are with ex.

Is there a reason that she couldn't have stayed with her brother when he had the kids?

FetchezLaVache · 04/08/2017 14:10

She drove the wrong way up a one-way street NEAR HER OWN HOUSE??

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