Argh fucking housework again!

[Buthewasstillhungry]

I'm thinking of going to relate with my DH because we always come back to the same argument and it is doing my head in!

He doesn't do much house work. He does wash up every night (because I cook every night) but doesn't sweep the kitchen floor, wipe the table or oven top afterwards.

He NEVER cleans the bathroom but he does do the bins and mow the lawn.

I clean the bathroom, kitchen, do all laundry, polish surfaces, change beds, pack for going away, unpack when we return, send all thank you cards, clean spare room when we have guests. Put away baby clothes after waking/ folding etc he NEVER does this. Tidy living room
After day of playing with her, make beds, Hoover.

For the fifty squillionth time I call him on it and his response " You didn't tell me to"

My response; " you are U for expecting me to delegate to you in our house, we should both have the list of things that need doing in our heads, you want me to carry the mental and physical load because you secretly believe that women should serve you"

Him (turns aggressive) says that he does do stuff, just doesn't talk about it and he doesn't give a shit.

I then threaten to get a cleaner at £120 a month which we can't afford.

Cue us not talking to each other for a day or so and me doubting our entire marriage.

It's so formulaic it's laughable. I let it go on for weeks until I have a big tidy up and I explode with rage and resentment.

Why do I have to get so angry to make him act?

It's getting me down.

I've just had a baby earlier this year and I feel fat and ugly and like I'm more vulnerable and have less power than I did before where there would have been nothing stopping me from just leaving him.

I know it sounds extreme but it makes me so unhappy feeling that he disrespects our environment. I can't have friends round anymore because I'm too ashamed of it.

He only tidies when his parents stay.

He is a lovely dad and a nice man but this teenagerish attitude is starting to really piss me off.

Thanks for reading.

Do you think relate could help us?

Do you have equal leisure time...

Yes I would go to relate because something needs to change!

Have you read wifework?

equal leisure?
I work 2 days a week, he works 3 days a week then we have DD on our days off.
We do have the weekend but I spend my non baby time doing housework where he spends his non baby time relaxing.

I'll look up wife work. Thanks

He may refuse to go to Relate and in that case I would go on my own.

Presumably his own mother in particular ran around after him and his dad and these sets of values has rubbed off on DH now.

He is NOT a lovely dad and a nice man (what made you write that at all, something to further think about there) if he treats you and in turn your DD like this. Would you want her as an adult to have a relationship like yours?. No. Well do not continue to do your bit here to show her that yes this is acceptable to you. She may well be a baby now but she will grow and see how you as her parents interact with each other. You will be her template for her own relationships going forward.

I would read this too:-

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Equal leisure time is equal sitting around relaxing or going out doing hobbies/spending time doing what you want to.

Sounds like you need relate to agree on a minimum standard of house cleanliness/tidiness and that responsibility is shared. If what you want is above and beyond the compromise then you may have to take that on as part of your leisure time

I'm just going to get one and give him less for rent and bills every month.

not got reasonable head on atm

atilla
Yes his mum seems to do everything except the washing up which his dad does. Ie load the dishwasher

This doesn't answer your question about Relate (sorry) as I have no experience but here is an article about the Mental Load you may find interesting:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I'm confused. You are doing so much cleaning it's causing a strain on your marriage yet your house is so bad you can't have people round?

And there are only three of you?

Surely there isn't that much to do? Or only at least 3/4 hours work a week tops ?

atilla
Yes his mum seems to do everything except the washing up which his dad does. Ie load the dishwasher

Re your above comment she certainly showed him a poor example by doing seemingly everything till adulthood short of wiping his bum for him. That is not going to be unlearnt easily; he may also regard the housework anyway as your main responsibility rather than shared.

BTW what is your DH like with regards to money and importantly your access to it?. Is money in your house not shared, does he regard "his" money as "his" alone?.

So he does the lawn and the bins, sounds like you need to give him concrete tasks (and ones that are easily defined).

How about he does the laundry which includes the stripping and remaking of beds.

But cleaning up after a meal SHOULD inlude wiping down the table - that's fairly basic.

This is the main reason I got divorced. It sounds petty but day in and day out over nearly 20 years - it grinds you down and eats away at the love leaving bitterness and resentment. Relate has to be worth a try. Good luck OP

Oh Op, I could have written this post!

No DCs here but we both work long hours (each out of house 13 hours / day. I do have more flexibility than DH in that I wfh 1 day per week.

We do have a cleaner, couldn't survive without, but only once a fortnight so there's plenty of cleaning needed on top.

I do everything else though, all paperwork, bills, admin, organising, planning, shopping, cooking, ironing, extra cleaning, DIY, organising workmen, house stuff, etc.

DH does do the bins once a week and does mow the lawn. Everything else is my domain, though he will help me clear up after dinner.

He isn't unwilling to help, and if given instructions or a list he will do it (except for washing / ironing / cleaning bathroom) but I sometimes feel overwhelmed with having to do all the thinking! He will just sit and relax, seemingly unaware of the enormous list of tasks that need doing to keep the house running! I just want someone else to take over some responsibility! Gahhhhh!

Can you sit and write down everything you do, how long it takes and agree a schedule.
For is when we both worked pt with babies at home we had daily jobs for home parent and working parent (so obv these jobs switched), weekly jobs each and monthly jobs we each picked up as and when we had time but the other wad working / looking after children / pets.

Re your comment:-
"He isn't unwilling to help, and if given instructions or a list he will do it (except for washing / ironing / cleaning bathroom)"

Does he see those tasks as yours to do then?. He is certainly unwilling to do those things and he uses the bathroom as well. Does he plead that he cannot do these things by virtue of the fact that he is male and or you're better at doing them?.

He is being unwilling to help and giving him a list or instructions infantalises him and furthermore makes you sound like his mother.

You're wrong, OP, he is NOT a nice man, you're dreaming. If you give him a list, will that work? If you stop doing anything for him, will the work?

Just get a cleaner.

This was started because we both realised we didnt want to keep having the same conversation. It has helped us loads n learning to talk and ask what other jobs the other one thinks need to be done and when.

Hmm, I will go against the grain here. You know what needs doing because you do it. He says you don't tell him, so just fucking tell him, do x y and z. That's what I do. Sure he should remember, but he doesn't. If I say it's your turn to do x he does it. No big arguments, no stress.

fuck me, the man doesnt do a bit of tidying and suddenly he's not a nice man - i ean , he might not be but not for that reason.

a list - written and put on the fridge. with the tasks you are both expected to do.

if you spend time aboe and beyond that tidying up - then thats your own fault

I favour a clean split for the basic houswork, half the house each every week, then if one of us has higher standards than the other it still gets done to that standard every other week.

I've made countless lists of the years and stuck them to the fridge they just get duly ignored. He told me that he had hoovered last week. He was referring to his daughter's room (DSD) that had been left to fester for 3 whole months.
The rest of the house didn't need it then!!?!

It will wear me down.
Ah it's so annoying because I feel like we have a good rl apart from this.

I refuse to ask because I'm not his mother. He should just do it without me being forced into the role of chief nag.

Do you have different standards about what a house should be like? I.e. is his "yeah that'll do" your "it's a pit"? Or does he accept that it needs doing but think you ought to do it?

I feel for you I really do.
I am in the same boat. Dh won't really do things unless I ask and even then it doesn't seem to make a difference.
I write him lists and he says he needs me to tell him, I tell him and he tells me I nag and I should write him a list.
It's frustrating and leads to a lot of arguments. He just tells me that he doesn't want to do housework as he doesn't like it.
Not sure why he thinks anyone likes it, it's just part of being a grown up. Chores get done every week as dirt is not always visible, but he seems to have the idea that you only tidy when it looks like a dump.
I do most of the childcare, most of the chores and have the least leisure time. This has placed huge strain on our relationship but he would never go to relate etc.
Try and get to the bottom of it all as sometimes I worry I've let it get too far and it could destroy us.