Argh fucking housework again!

[Buthewasstillhungry]

I'm thinking of going to relate with my DH because we always come back to the same argument and it is doing my head in!

He doesn't do much house work. He does wash up every night (because I cook every night) but doesn't sweep the kitchen floor, wipe the table or oven top afterwards.

He NEVER cleans the bathroom but he does do the bins and mow the lawn.

I clean the bathroom, kitchen, do all laundry, polish surfaces, change beds, pack for going away, unpack when we return, send all thank you cards, clean spare room when we have guests. Put away baby clothes after waking/ folding etc he NEVER does this. Tidy living room
After day of playing with her, make beds, Hoover.

For the fifty squillionth time I call him on it and his response " You didn't tell me to"

My response; " you are U for expecting me to delegate to you in our house, we should both have the list of things that need doing in our heads, you want me to carry the mental and physical load because you secretly believe that women should serve you"

Him (turns aggressive) says that he does do stuff, just doesn't talk about it and he doesn't give a shit.

I then threaten to get a cleaner at £120 a month which we can't afford.

Cue us not talking to each other for a day or so and me doubting our entire marriage.

It's so formulaic it's laughable. I let it go on for weeks until I have a big tidy up and I explode with rage and resentment.

Why do I have to get so angry to make him act?

It's getting me down.

I've just had a baby earlier this year and I feel fat and ugly and like I'm more vulnerable and have less power than I did before where there would have been nothing stopping me from just leaving him.

I know it sounds extreme but it makes me so unhappy feeling that he disrespects our environment. I can't have friends round anymore because I'm too ashamed of it.

He only tidies when his parents stay.

He is a lovely dad and a nice man but this teenagerish attitude is starting to really piss me off.

Thanks for reading.

Do you think relate could help us?

How long have you lived together?
I'm trying to figure out just how much housework your doing if you say you only work two days a week but won't invite people round cause your ashamed of your home?
What a lovely work life balance that you both work part time op.
Do you tidy as you go?that helps massively.

At least he does do some things. Mowing the lawn bins and teas dishes isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things but better than nothing.
I know you say you shouldn't have to ask him but I don't ask. I just say "dh can you please strip out bed this morning and stick it in the machine or can you please hang out what's in the machine "
Never had an issue with him saying no and he wouldn't!!does yours say no if you ask?

I know you shouldn't have to ask but women tend to multi task in their mind a bit better sometimes. My dh always says that

Back to the housework though. Why do you seem to have so much??
I have three dc two dogs and me and dh both work full time but we don't spend forever doing housework
We do it as we go,tidy every evening anything you've had out that day,never go upstairs empty handed,washing machine on early morning each day so it's washed dried folded and put on stairs to be put away the next time I go up.
I do a full house Hoover on a Monday and dh does it on a Saturday.
We bought a dyson cordless that we zip round every day or so takes ten mins.
Polish twice a week. Wipe kitchen sides and bathroom down with antibacterial wipes daily,steam mop floors twice a week,
Bins go out to recycling every other day. ,probably one day a month we will do windows inside and out,under furniture etc etc.
On a daily basis I probably spend 10-20 mins cleaning tidying before and after work and on my one day off mid week I spend about 3 hours doing spring clean,stripping and remaking beds x4.

Relate seems a good idea. I'd sacrifice anything else you can to afford a cleaner.

And I'd also leave off all housework for as long as you can stand then invite his parents over. You said he tidies for them? Let him.

This sounds like a communication styles issue to me.

There is no way this should be an issue with the amount of time you are both at work. Do have differing standards? I can imagine somebody happy to live in a "lived in" home being expected to live in a show home would find things equally annoying.

The best way to learn anything, is self discovery

Make a list. Men's brains just aren't programmed to think like that. If I make DH a proper tick list and hang it by the sink with "wipe table, clean counters, sweep floor" then it will get done. It's just how they are! Now that I leave lists (I call them "reminders" ) we don't have that issue anymore!

Men's brains are programmed to think like that! Or is it a weird coincidence that as a sex, they earn more and there are more of them in positions of power? Their poor ickle brains function perfectly well at work.

My dh does laundry, bins, floors and ironing school uniforms, as well as half the cooking. I never ever remind him. This is because (a) he's not a lazy disrespectful sexist twat and so (b) we're a team.

For as long as women tolerate this crap with tinkly little laughs and 'aw menz, what are they like?' it will go on.

He should be making the list of activities to do.

As a fully functioning adult, he should be aware that 'doing the dishes' requires more than just washing dishes.

He's ignoring the nitty gritty of everyday life which can be soul destroying to the other adult in the house who has to do this. I get your pain OP.

I did an experiment once. I refused to do the nitty gritty for a week (I was studying for my GCSE maths at the time (got a B). After the week my exh commented on how messy the house was. I told him to fuck off. His reply was 'charming!' (what was he expecting - a grovel?)

I just love the suggestions of:
You make him a list
You designate jobs
You tell him to do xyx
You ask him to do xyz
Get a cleaner - so it becomes some other woman's job and he does fuck all.

Has he always been like this? Or is it since having a child together?

Tell him to sort the fuck out or fuck the fuck off.

Such a simple thing as housework - not difficult: wash some dishes, cillit bang the toilet, run a hoover around. But monotonous and boring - well HELLO welcome to being an adult! Makes me see red.

It's about respect. All about respect. He has none for you.

I recommend the link posted by a pp above 'my wife left me cos i left dishes by the sink' or whatever it's called.

Good luck

Men's brains just aren't programmed to think like that did i really just read that? Fuck my eyes.

My DH went for his morning wee when he woke up this morning at 7.30. Took a weirdly long time. Comes back to bed and I ask 'took your time - peeing like a horse?' But no, DS had gone for a pee in the night, neglected to turn on the bathroom light (he's 5yo, was half-asleep), and peed everywhere. DH cleaned it all up, including mopping and putting bathmat and handtowel in the wash. Then he thought while he had the rubber gloves on he might as well clean everything (small bathroom).

Because he has eyes. Because he was well-brought up by a non-dormat mother and a father who did his fair share. Because he respects me. Because he doesn't want to live in a pigsty that smells of piss.

Oh, and he didn't clean with his penis. Cillit bang is a corrosive, you know

So you are house proud and constantly tidying and it's not tidy enough to invite friends round? He doesn't mind mess but makes it ok for when his parents come round.

The argument isn't about who does housework it's about what standards each find acceptable.

Over the next day or two write down every job that you both do. Write it in one list.

When you are both in a good mood, sit down and ask him which jobs he will take on. And tell him which jobs you will take on. Together devide the unwanted jobs. Pin a list with his and her jobs clearly listed to fridge.

Thanks for all your replies.

I am REALLY not of the belief/ propaganda that men can't multitask/ need to be reminded/ don't think like women do- what a load of irrelevant, outdated, sexist bile- come on ladies -it's thinking like this that has got us in the mess we're in now!

I am definitely prepared to walk out on him if he doesn't start showing me (and therefore our DD) more respect.

When we first got together, he was a hoarder and I had a long battle with him about this. Even threatening to leave him, he is now no longer a hoarder so that's good.

So I do think that he could change. I sometimes wonder whether he wants out of the relationship so is purposely unbearably uncooperative to drive me away.

I suggested Relate to him this morning and he said he might just go to therapy alone because he can't understand why a list of household chores makes him feel so angry and why it triggers so much so called 'spiky' feelings in him.

When our baby was born, we looked for a temporary cleaner and he wanted to ask a female friend of ours. I said I didn't want her to do it but we had a male friend who needed the money so I suggested that we ask him. At this point DH recoiled and said he would feel 'weird' about that. So that was an interesting view into his ingrained beleifs about gender roles.

He made me breakfast this morning, folded clothes, put a wash on and hung one out, had DD so I could lie in but this always happens after an argument then he always reverts back to being lazy.

We have potentially got the perfect work/ life balance with us working part time to spend maximum time with our baby so it's a real shame he can't get on board with me about the house work.

My life could look really different this time next year if he doesn't change. I could be in a smaller house as a single parent, working full time with out baby at a child minders it feels so bleak. :(

I guess he sees woman's work as beneath him.

He needs to take full responsibility for at least one main task such as menu planning, food shopping and cooking or clothes washing, drying and putting away.

I hope he does all the gifts and social organising for his friends and family?

I agree give him a task that is his responsibility and then leave him to it. Don't remind him or criticise it. My dh got cleaning the bathroom and wc 6 years ago and I have never cracked and cleaned it since, it's his job and he gets to decide when and how well it's done. I notice it's grubby but I say nothing and he gets round to it. I will comment how nice it is once it's done just like he'd compliment a nice meal or if the house looked especially tidy.

Yeah it's about respect, not giving him a fucken list or having to get a cleaner in; he doesn't care OP that's why he sits on his arse while you run around ragged.

I'd be telling him straight, he either does his share or it's over, as has been said, years and years of this will kill your love because you will be so resentful.

It's not because he can't or doesn't know how, it's because he doesn't care enough.

Go to counselling with him, maybe someone impartial telling him will sink in but seriously, what a complete git.

Do the listed again
But in your side you write
Noticing X needs doing, planning a good time for X to be done, asking dh to do X, remindingdh to do X , praising dh for doing X
On dh s side you write. - doing X
And so on
For everything
When he complains he's doing all the work you can quite rightly point out he doesn't do anything you have allocated yourself..you assumed this was because he couldn't, because he never does
And you will swap up to 50% of jobs around..but you will only be doing jobs he plans for and tells you need doing, just like he does..

It's so patently fucking ridiculous....! To need telling..if course you might well end up divorced

No helpful responses here, but my DH (at my request) just folded the washing. Watching his attempt to work out how to fold my knickers....HILARIOUS!!! xx

Stop doing his washing and why are you ironing? Stop that. Hand from the washer after a low spin- both of you.

YANBU. Deep down, he thinks it is your job.

I'll never forget DP bitterly stating "But I don't LIKE doing it'

Me: "who the fuck does, I hate it too, I do it it because it has to be done'

The look on his face, it never occurred that I hated it too. A bit better, still does the minimum.

I'm in my 40s and most marriages around me are now breaking down due to this lack of respect with regards to household chores - and childcare issue. Man gets a wife and turn into lazy fucking slob.

He is a lovely dad and a nice man

A man who stresses out his wife/DCs mother, by lazily expecting her to do it all as well as be a mum? How on earth is that a nice man?! You've had the conversation made loads of lists and he's still not interested. You can't teach a grown man to suck eggs. Get a cleaner to take away some of the mental and physical load

treat him like a kid if he wants to act like one.

Stick a chores rota up in the kitchen , with designated tasks and who's doing it/what day.....literally give him a pat on the back once he's done.

Or go on strike and don't do anything for him until he grows up.

He just doesn't think it needs doing as often as I do eg once a week big bathroom kitchen clean and whole house Hoover. Everyday tidying and wiping up as we go along.
He thinks it's okay to do Hoover twice a year when his parents visit.
He told me today that I turn into a 'dragon' when it comes to doing housework I told him its because I'm angry and resentful at the inequality and called him a sick as name calling was the thing to do apparently.

He resents me each time he dies housework apparently.

After a very heated mud slinging chat this morning, he has agreed for us to work through a list on alternate Saturday's while the other one takes the baby out.

He did though tell me
A) he walks on eggshells around me
B) his daughter is confused about what to do with her laundry because I told her off a few weeks ago for putting laundry Id just folded and cleaned back into the wash basket after she'd chucked it on her bedroom floor.
C) I am a dragon

What's strange is that I don't even care about it being immaculate just tidy enough for me to function ie have space to make tea in the kitchen.

I told him he knows it upsets me but continues to do nothing so it's disrespectful for that reason, then I told him that he never brushes his teeth which is also disrespectful.
He disagrees that any of this is in any way disrespectful.

Argh I'm so angry with him.even though we've come up with a solution I feel like the tide I've been pushing against all these years has been exposed and Im tired of pushing against it. Do I just continue being a doormat or leave him to live in his filth?

You are right to confront. He is resisting and claiming "eggshells"(bullshit) and calling you a dragon because he doesn't want to do it and then doesn't want to get called out on it. Of course he doesn't want to do it because, at heart, he doesn't think he should have to do it!

He wants YOU to be on eggshellls, and he is throwing g lots of crap to make sure you get back in your box.

The LAST thing he wants to do is admit that he is being disrespectful to you ( although he undoubtedly is) because then he will have publicly lost the argument. So he will insist black is white, whatever the ridiculousness of his position.

You are right to suggest Relate. His whole attitude is one of disrespect and contempt. This is the kind of shit they throw when the y believe you are worth LESS..

He 'resents you every time he does housework' does he? What so twice a year? No, my belief is that he resents you ALL the time OP. That is what you are feeling isn't it OP? Otherwise you wouldn't feel so damn pissed off. Stay with that feeling - it is the only sane response and don't give in.

Fine for him to get therapy - sounds like he needs it. But I think you might find some useful for yourself as well, since he's trying so hard to mess with your head.

Also, call me an old cynic, but it is absolutely no surprise that this has escalated when you've just had a baby. This is a classic time - threads on this board are teeming with stories, you are NOT alone - for arseholes to show their true colours and to play on what they perceive as your vulnerabilities. And it's true you are more vulnerable when you've just had a child. Some men see this as a time when they can permanently rearrange the power balance their favour, without any say from you of course.

what an arse he resents you every time he does anything to contribute to the cleanliness of his home and the mess he's made???

Your standards are not extreme, kind of the bare minimum to most homes I should think!

He's basically a slob.

He'll never change.