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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh says...

31 replies

fjguor · 03/08/2017 19:02

..'if you love me and you truly meant your marriage vows, you will stay celibate & loyal by my side.'

A decade of no sex is killing me. There is no intimacy at all. He will not attend Relate.

He keeps making it about me, I'm the one at fault for threatening to break the solemn vows I made before God. I went to see the vicar who married us and begged his help. He had nothing to offer. I feel very let down by the church.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 03/08/2017 19:07

"To have and to hold"? "With my body I three honour"? Did he skip those bits?

Littlechocola · 03/08/2017 19:08

Why does he not want an intimate relationship?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/08/2017 19:10

Has he not promised to worship with his body?

c3pu · 03/08/2017 19:10

If he's totally unwilling to work at the problem, LTB. Life is too short to waste.

Petitcanard · 03/08/2017 19:12

Perhaps you should remind your DH that marriage vows are two-way and that if he loves you and he truly meant his marriage vows, then he ought to support you in seeking help to overcome the intimacy difficulties you are facing.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/08/2017 19:13

He is making his problem yours - after ten years you need to accept that all you have is a friendship.

Don't ask the vicar for advice. He sounds as much use as your dh.

Is your dh gay? Does he masturbate? Does he think sex is wrong? Are there children?

notapizzaeater · 03/08/2017 19:17

The no sex bit I could probably live with but the no intimacy bit - no! Is there a reason for him not wanting to touch you ?

Jayfee · 03/08/2017 19:20

have you consumated the marriage?

PurpleWithRed · 03/08/2017 19:23

He's guilt tripping you. Not the actions of a loving husband. You can stay with him if you feel you should and live in a loveless relationship, or you can leave him. What you won't be able to do is make him want intimacy or sex.

This has to be your decision - if you want the church to decide, or him to decide, you'll be staying as you are.

noego · 03/08/2017 20:29

God didn't create you to be unhappy. Religion did that. Centuries of male dominated religious tosh, censored and edited to control humans. Especially females. Get the fuck out of there. Your in hell now. Leaving this guy will bring you heaven.

Stressed1912 · 03/08/2017 20:37

Does he make you feel loved in other ways? Lack of sex is one thing but no intimacy at all must be awful, if he's not willing to work at the marriage I'd say life is too short to stay unhappy..

SleightOfHand · 03/08/2017 20:45

I think he's being selfish and unreasonable to not want to even try to get help, when the person he is supposed to love is in pain. OP, do you suspect any of the problems other posters have mentioned?

jeaux90 · 03/08/2017 20:45

Marriage is about asset management and control. Even if you do believe in those vows he has broken his already.

Celibacy is only ok if you agree to it.

No way should you stay in a relationship without sex or intimacy.

He sounds like a pious asshole.

sooperdooper · 03/08/2017 20:49

You can leave a marriage for any reason at all if it's making you unhappy

Living in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life with a man who doesn't care about your needs is making you unhappy

You don't need his permission to end the relationship, it's your choice

sooperdooper · 03/08/2017 20:52

Plus, the marriage ceremony mentions sexual union, so his argument is invalid

My dh says...
RandomMess · 03/08/2017 20:56

Yep he is supposed to love you like Christ loved the church ie willing to die for you, yet he won't go to relate, deal with the intimacy/sex issue??? Hmm...

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2017 21:32

He's not reasonable

I don't think you should stay with him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2017 21:36

And you are with him still because...

This is no marriage let alone any basis for one and he is making this all about you unfairly. He has also used vows to bash you over the head with as well (vows that he himself has not honoured) which is also unacceptable as well as abusive (abuse is about power and control) behaviour on his part.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave him; you neither need him or the church to do so.

OrphanAccount · 03/08/2017 21:40

He's using that argument to shut you down and stop further discussion. He won't change because he is not interested in doing so. He has made that clear.

You don't have to stay with him nor do you need his permission to leave. If you are miserable then that is a more than good enough reason to go.

Mysteriouscurle · 03/08/2017 23:51

Anyone who truly loved you would not say "if you loved me..."(insert emotional blackmail/guilt trip)

gamerchick · 03/08/2017 23:54

10 years and no sex? Fucking hell Confused

There would be many Vs flicked if my husband came out with vows and celibate crap.

10 years!!

Butterymuffin · 03/08/2017 23:57

As people already said, the wedding vows require him to honour you too. He isn't doing.

LisaMed1 · 04/08/2017 00:48

There is a passage in one of Paul's letters that says that husband and wife should not deny each other except when they are fasting. Has he been fasting for ten years?

Found it - 1 Corinthians 7:5. The Contemporary English Version reads:

So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control

Surely being true to the wedding vows meant embracing a biblical interpretation of marriage.

imo, completely without authority, God did not mean people to be unhappy. What is his justification for witholding love?

OrlandaFuriosa · 04/08/2017 01:23

Sent you a pm.

superchocolatedigestive · 04/08/2017 01:51

LTB