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Original poster

My needs versus my family

26 replies

babycow38 · 02/08/2017 22:22

I have posted here before but need some good advice now, I am unhappy in the place I live, I yearn to live in Cornwall, was brought up there, really feel the need to go back there and live, I have a job I love and could transfer to Cornwall, but my other half has a job that keeps him firmly in Manchester, which is my dilemma, I want to say to him can we do a long distance relationship, can we love each other enough to make it work. Our children are needy teens, 18 and 15 , they obviously don't want to relocate but I am finding it heartbreaking to live a life that I don't want to be in, I physically ache to be living in Cornwall, I have spent all my childhood in Cornwall, it's never going to go away, but I love my OH and kids

OP posts:
ImSoUnoriginal · 02/08/2017 22:31

I grew up in Cornwall and moved away for college. I moved back with my ex husband after 4 years or so as I missed it so much. I used to cry on leaving, after being down on holiday. I don't ever want to move out again.
However, your situation is different and while I understand how you feel, I'm not sure a long distance relationship would work. Only you know how strong your relationship is and how it would stand up to the pressure. Would your kids stay with your OH? It's a lot to ask them to move away from their friends and everything they know, at that age.

Original poster
babycow38 · 02/08/2017 22:57

I know, I am torn for doing what is right for you he kids and knowing what is right for e

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 02/08/2017 23:00

I know a woman who had this fantasy to move back to her childhood home and she was always unsettled and unhappy. Eventually her dh agreed and they all moved. It was not as she pictured. Everyone had their own lives. She was miserable and at great expense they moved back to original place where is now contented.
Im sorry but this is a fantasy. Your life is in Manchester. Thats the reality.Your dc are at a vunerable age and need you to be solid.
Have your fill of Cornwall while you can on holidays but dont move.

ImperialBlether · 02/08/2017 23:02

You need to be with your kids and the trouble is, you took them to Manchester! It would be very unfair of you to move them at this point in their lives.

However, I think you could easily have a five year plan. You can tell them all that in five years' time, you'll be living in Cornwall. That's manageable, isn't it?

Babymamamama · 02/08/2017 23:04

Could you hang on a bit longer where you are? Just to get your 15 year old through to school leaver age? Then possibly both will be off to uni/ college or whatever and you could relocate with or without your partner if it was still such an imperative from your side. 15 would be a very tricky age for your younger one to relocate particularly if it is against their wishes.

category12 · 02/08/2017 23:08

Hang on in Manchester until your youngest is 18. 3 years while he or she completes gcses and a levels if they do. Then if you're still as desperate to move, do it then. It gives you time to plan and figure out the finances of whether you split or do long distance or he comes with you then.

Original poster
babycow38 · 02/08/2017 23:10

Yes, I am going to hold out, my youngest is doing Exams last year in school

OP posts:
Original poster
babycow38 · 02/08/2017 23:14

Thanks Babymamamama I am grateful for your input, felt like a selfish person x

OP posts:
user1499333856 · 02/08/2017 23:20

Long distance relationships are hard. Your youngest is 15. Would it be an option to wait three years until at least finishes school before you move?

Original poster
babycow38 · 02/08/2017 23:20

Am going with a two year plan, my children have gone through education and ihave had two years to talk to their Dad about how it's my time, and I would like to be in Cornwall

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2017 23:23

I really can't see the long distance thing working at the moment. You would effectively be leaving him and potentially the children if they don't want to go with you.

It could be a retirement possibility though. The children will be off about their own independent lives soon but jobs are thin on the ground in Cornwall so I don't think the move is realistic until your OH retires.

Physically aching to live in Cornwall is an extreme feeling. What's that about? What specifically are you missing? Countryside, coast, family? If you can't identify anything other than "it's Cornwall", that seems irrational and maybe is covering up some other underlying dissatisfaction with your life that relocating is not going to fix.

Is there a possibility of some sort of compromise e.g. you move somewhere more rural which still enables your H and children to commute into Manchester but which satisfies whatever need you have that isn't currently being met.

Original poster
babycow38 · 02/08/2017 23:25

Thanks guys x I needed a nudge to let me know my kids are more important xx

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 02/08/2017 23:30

Moving, even in 2/3 years would likely mean the end of your relationship and that it'd be costly and hard for young adult DC to visit.

I would strongly prefer to live somewhere else, but yearning isn't helpful IME.

Philip Pullman's amber lights suggests we should seek to make things good where we are. I have felt more settled since adopting this approach.

Original poster
babycow38 · 02/08/2017 23:32

HeddaGarbled no it's a family thing, I have spent many family holidays with my mum's family, I have family connections

OP posts:
category12 · 02/08/2017 23:32

I think some people feel called home and expecting the op to wait until retirement is too long. It might never happen.

Op, I think it would be fairer on your youngest to wait until after they're 18 than the two year plan, tbh. It will take a while to find the right place and you have to be prepared that you might be doing it alone if it's that important to you.

category12 · 02/08/2017 23:34

And you'd have to be prepared to do the majority of travelling to see your dc, not expect them to.

category12 · 02/08/2017 23:34

And you'd have to be prepared to do the majority of travelling to see your dc, not expect them to.

Cricrichan · 03/08/2017 00:42

So it's family that draws you to Cornwall? I think your heart would break then if you left the kids behind whilst you loved to Cornwall!

What about the life you've built in Manchester? You've been there most of your adult life? Your friend's, work, connections etc...surely you'd miss that ?

I'd buy a holiday home in Cornwall that you can holiday in and rent out at other times. Maybe get away just you every now and then.

Original poster
babycow38 · 03/08/2017 01:09

Thank you to all that posted, you have helped a lot, going to do a lot of thinking and I will put my kids first, thanks guys x

OP posts:
FlyingAnts · 03/08/2017 01:13

Good luck.

I think it's right to hold on for a couple more years - but you can enjoy some discreet planning.

Original poster
babycow38 · 03/08/2017 01:32

I am, not going to give up on my dream, I will stay with my kids until they finish education. But I will be letting my OH and the kids that then it is my choice to live in Cornwall, mine alone and if ihave to do it by myself I will x

OP posts:
JayoftheRed · 03/08/2017 09:23

I know what you mean about needing to be somewhere. I live in a city in the south west, and I couldn't possibly live anywhere else. I even struggle going on holiday, I hate being away. I can't explain it at all, it's like something pulling at me.

Thankfully my husband isn't bothered where we live, even though he's from a northern town. He moved here when he was 13, and that was a long time ago! So he's happy here and our DC are too.

We have no need to move, but if we did, I would go wherever my husband needed me to, because ultimately, wherever he is, I am home.

JayoftheRed · 03/08/2017 09:24

That last line should be "We have no need to move, and I would never want to leave, but if we had to, I would go etc..."

Tealdeal747 · 03/08/2017 09:33

It sounds like your relationship isn't happy. Fix that or leave that. It's separate issue from relocating.

It's odd you call 'family' your birth family rather than the one you have with dh.

Loopytiles · 03/08/2017 10:18

I don't think it's a "need" you have, it's a strong desire/preference.