What constitutes a "normal" & "healthy" sex life?

[fireflyfairy2]

IE: it could be "normal" for me to eat take-away 7 days a week, but it's not "healthy"

What is normal for someone is not normal for others.

And just because some people have sex every day, is this healthy too?

Or is it an unnatural compulsion?

Do those that have sex every day have a better relationship that those who have sex once a week??

Merely wondering.....

More sex may not mean a better relationship, but in my marriage the fact that we both have a high sex drive is a very important issue (and both having previously been married to low sex drive partners, we appreciate it very much!!).

We have sex every day, and often twice a day if we happen to be in the house alone in the daytime. The only thing that would stop us is illness or, very occasionally, exhaustion. Generally, however, tiredness doesn't cause problems as we are both able to accomodate a tired partner in our sexual repertoires, and usually, no matter how tired I might be, a pick-me-up or a wind-me-down round of sex of some kind is welcome. Does this make sense?

fireflyfairy I have actually offered dh the chance to open up the relationship since I am officially the 'no sex marriage' type. Defo less than 10 times a year. He declined, he says that his relationship with me is more than sex though he misses it.

I don't feel good about my lack of interest in something which seems so fundamental to a lot of people but then again, I do not think I feel bad because of lack of sex, exactly. I don't think my lack of interest that has anything to do with dh personally- it has happened to me in all my long term relationships. I am full on for 6 months to 1 year then go off it, the more emotionally intimate I feel with the person. I am sure it has to do with my unhappy childhood and blah blah blah.

I comfort myself that Iris Murdoch and her husband seem to have had a wonderful, complex and romantic relationship, by all accounts without any sex at all. Relationships and people are too weird and variable to set a 'healthy' amount for sex imho.

I don't think I could open up my relationship. I don't think many people could.

whywhywhy, I'm sorry to hear that you find combining emotional intimacy with sex difficult. To some extent, I think this is normal - there's an American woman writing books about keeping sex in your marriage, who talks about keeping the mystery.

Alternatively, is therapy an option? Particularly given you talk about an unhappy childhood.

whywhywhy, I'm soory you feel this way.

And your dh must be supportive if he said no when offered an escape route...

I agree, have you talked about why you feel this way?

Following up on NQC's very accurate post about mismatched drives:

Probably the most important thing to do is talk - relationships can survive and prosper when there are issues like this - however when the frustration or feelings of obligation turn to resentment, this can be poisonous for a marriage.

NQC - was the book you were referring to "Mating in Captivity?"

(last - Personally i think that sex is wildly underestimated in it's ability to keep a relationship running smoothly - it certainly tends to reduce the "niggle factor")