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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I reassure DH and his PFB feelings?

38 replies

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 13:11

I'm due to go back to work in Sept as my ML is coming to an end. I'll be working afternoons/evenings and six month old DS will need to be in childcare from 3.30-5.30 four afternoons a week to cover the gap between me starting work and DH finishing work.

I had a childminder (who we know) lined up but that's fallen through so have managed to find another one who I'm hoping we can go and meet at the weekend.

DH has just said over the phone "I don't want him going with someone we don't know."

This has floored me. How do I convince him that it's ok and that it has to be done. He's supportive with me going back to work, not controlling, etc but I need to go back as we can't afford to feed ourselves without my income.

I don't even know what section to post this in!

OP posts:

Ineededtonamechange · 02/08/2017 13:24

Tell him that is the only option unless he wants to take the next 6 months off paternity leave whilst you get to know someone else?

ElspethFlashman · 02/08/2017 13:25

So what's his proposed alternative?

Jackiebrambles · 02/08/2017 13:28

Just say to him that if he's not happy after you meet the childminder this weekend that you can work together to find another solution that he IS happy with.

I'd also try to delve into what he means - is it a trust thing?

SonicBoomBoom · 02/08/2017 13:28

Has he considered asking for flexible working or reducing his hours so he can get home earlier?

Jackiebrambles · 02/08/2017 13:28

And be clear that the 'other solution' would be another childminder/nanny/nursery/him adjusting his work hours!

Loopytiles · 02/08/2017 13:30

His concern/anxiety: his problem. He needs to suggest a good alternative option. Those hours are very tricky to find childcare for, so he needs to get with the programme!

sooperdooper · 02/08/2017 13:33

Well the reason you're going to see her is so you'll know her!

Tell him you'll discuss again after you've met her, and what's his other solution? He can find someone else if he wants and you choose between them?

NotTheCoolMum · 02/08/2017 13:39

So once you and DH have visited the new childminder, you will both know her and can decide if she is the right caregiver for your child. Easy!

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 13:41

I'm not 100% sure what his problem is. DS had a lot of health problems when he was born so it may stem back to that. He didn't leave his bedside in SCBU until he was kicked out each night and he'd be back as early as humanly possible (I was upstairs on postnatal ward).

He's not able to adjust his hours as they are fixed and neither of us earn enough to pay the bills on our own.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 13:42

He said we'd discuss when he gets home from work tonight

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 02/08/2017 13:52

It's totally understandable feeling anxious about leaving your baby, I totally get that. But needs must!

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 02/08/2017 13:55

Well does he have a suggestion of what else to do ?

I mean I understand his worries - it's normal to worry but from the sound of it there isn't much you can actually do ?

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 13:56

This is it. It just has to be done. I feel bad for him in a way. It can't be nice feeling worried about leaving DS. He does as much care for DS as I do when he's not working (in fact, he almost exclusively looks after DS when he's not at work).

I think DS is just very special to him. Which is lovely. But it doesn't help the childcare situation.

I think he'd rather one of us were home with him but it just can't happen. We've discussed him staying home after I have our second. I think I might quite enjoy going back to work

OP posts:

BelfastSmile · 02/08/2017 14:30

It's understandable that he doesn't want a "stranger" looking after your DS, but you should be able to arrange some settling in sessions where you and DS can get to know the childminder.

Reassure him that you'll both meet the childminder before making a decision. If either of you isn't happy, you can look elsewhere.

I think it's important that he sees that you're on his side in this (which of course you are).

HeddaGarbled · 02/08/2017 15:07

I wouldn't take on sole responsibility for reassuring him. As there is no alternative, this is something he is going to need to deal with. It's hard and I sympathise.

I got upset after visiting one potential childminder and not being comfortable with her or the environment and if I could have backed out of going back to work at that point, I would have.

But then I visited another childminder and I just really liked her and her family immediately and she was local so we did have some acquaintances in common and that made it all a lot easier.

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 16:54

I think I'm struggling to understand because I'm a lot less precious over Ds. It's bad but for me his time in hospital has made me think 'ah well' about most other things.

I'll have a chat with him tonight and see what he proposes. He's generally a pretty guarded person so will struggle to let many people look after ds. I feel that he needs to be a little more trusting. Initially he didn't even want the person we know to look after him.

I do have a couple of college girls I know who can baby sit home here and I can work from home until dh arrives back so that might work. They're happy to do it but don't get their timetables until sept so it is a gamble

OP posts:

RumpledStiltskin · 02/08/2017 17:00

We've discussed him staying home after I have our second.
Are you anticipating a change in your financial situation by then? It kind of sounds like he's going to suggest one of you gives up work, based on what you've written.

caffeinestream · 02/08/2017 17:02

I think it's totally natural that he's worried, even more so if your DS has been unwell. But, I think most parents are nervous about putting their children in childcare whether it's their first baby or their fifth - you have no idea how they'll cope, or how you'll feel - even if you've been using the same childcare for decades.

He'll deal with it, like every other parent deals with it. Once you're both in a routine and everyone knows what's happening and who's going to be doing the childcare, drop-offs etc. it should become a lot easier. Some people just get very anxious with a lack of routine.

SpartacusSaiman · 02/08/2017 17:03

So what can he do to not be able to put ds in childcare?

Because it sounds like ehst he is saying is 'i dont approve of you going back to work and going to guilt you into not going back'

Loopytiles · 02/08/2017 17:30

His anxiety sounds unreasonable. Don't risk your career to pander to it. There is good childcare available.

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 17:34

rumpled if he were to stop work I could go back to work full time. My earning potential is a lot higher than his. I'm happy with the status quo at the moment though - might review after my next maternity leave (new baby due feb).

spartacus no. I already said he's not trying to tell me not to go back to work. He won't be guilting me into anything. We shall discuss the situation like adults and come to a decision together.

In an ideal situation, I would stay home and wouldn't have to work evenings. Me working evenings will make our life a whole lot more busy and challenging but that's what happens when you don't earn enough to cover childcare. DH has rightly stated that his last two hours at work every day he won't be earning anything as it'll be going out in childcare. However, my hourly rate is enough to justify his working for free those two hours per day.

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Loopytiles · 02/08/2017 17:36

Sensible to consider the medium and long term financials too. And the risk of divorce.

mayhew · 02/08/2017 17:39

It's a normal protective reaction. If it was the mother, everyone would be much more understanding. Once he's met the childminder, he'll probably relax.

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 17:45

Medium to long term - he's currently got an application for a voluntary role that he's hoping will put him into a reasonably paid role after a year or so. Something he's wanted to do since he was a teen.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to do. I don't fancy going back to my day job (I quit my day job and started my business about four years ago). I don't particularly want to work evenings by the time the kids start school but the hourly rate is good so I'm sticking with it while they're babies/preschool. I'm thinking another few years of this business and then I'll retrain - I have an idea of what I want to do and it'll enable me to work days. I could, however, go back to my day job when they start school but really want to be around in the days for now.

So we both have a medium/long term plan. In the mean time DH is on minimum wage and I'll be seeing clients in the evenings. Worth thinking about though - thanks Loopy. I also have no idea what will happen once I have this second baby. Hopefully not long after DH will be moving towards his new career but I'm not sure how long it'll take. That would make childcare more complex as he'd be doing shift work and I'd probably need a babysitter or something to cover my evenings at work.

Who knew childcare would be so complex

OP posts:

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 02/08/2017 17:46

I was thinking that @mayhew he's as much the mum as I am. If that makes sense

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