How can I reassure DH and his PFB feelings?

[DoubleCarrick]

I'm due to go back to work in Sept as my ML is coming to an end. I'll be working afternoons/evenings and six month old DS will need to be in childcare from 3.30-5.30 four afternoons a week to cover the gap between me starting work and DH finishing work.

I had a childminder (who we know) lined up but that's fallen through so have managed to find another one who I'm hoping we can go and meet at the weekend.

DH has just said over the phone "I don't want him going with someone we don't know."

This has floored me. How do I convince him that it's ok and that it has to be done. He's supportive with me going back to work, not controlling, etc but I need to go back as we can't afford to feed ourselves without my income.

I don't even know what section to post this in!

Think we can all be a bit quick to jump down men's throats sometimes, especially with emotional stuff. It doesn't sound like he was asking you to give up work now, just that he was saying "I'm a bit nervous about this particularly in the context of a previous hard time, please help me with that as my co-parent and life partner". Just give him a big cuddle and some reassurance later.

And then if he suggests you give up work tell him to fuck off and LTB, obviously

@pigeondujour I'm already about to tell him to fuck off and ltb because he rang me to say he's going to be late home from work!! thank goodness it's his last week of self employment and he will have consistent hours soon!

I wish he would state his needs that clearly! He literally said "i don't want him left with a stranger, I thought you sorted it, we'll talk when I get home." You're right though @pigeondujour he's the emotional type and when I pin him down will actually talk about his worries sensibly (hopefully).

I think many are keen to think husbands are trying to trample over their wives and that really isn't happening here. i'm confident of that.

But in the mean time I have NO IDEA what to say to him to make him feel better about leaving DS with a stranger. he was even a bit funny with the dog walker when we had the dog. Even though I'd known her for ages and she'd been walking him for 12 months before I even met dh!!

I just need to find the words somehow

Would he be able to sort of go with the logic that...all humans are strangers at some point? Like, he didn't know you until he met you, and now he's married to you...also, DS is young enough that by the time he's old enough to 'know' her, he'll know her. If that makes sense.

We've had a chat and he's adamant that Ds isn't going to a childminder. He'd be happier with a nursery but that isn't practical for only a couple of hours a day.

We've agreed to settle on a babysitter at home while I work from home - hoping that the college timetable lines up with the two girls I know.

He can't be swayed so that'll have to be the compromise for now and we'll have to see how it goes. He even mentioned the dog walker

Me starting work later just isn't an option. We'd lose out on £40 a day which is such a massive amount of money

Are you happy with that? It won't cause you too much additional hassle?

It'll have to do. It's a compromise. I'll be starting my next maternity leave mid Jan anyway so it's not for long.

The only time we'll have a problem is if I have an additional contract come up but then I'd probably have that problem with childminder availability anyway. The council often ask me to help them out with a day's notice and the girls will be at college. The work would be ongoing but I can't base childcare on a 'what if'

If we went for the nursery I'd have that flexibility but I'd be paying for childcare 1-6 which I don't need.

I think I'm just puzzled about how firmly he's put his foot down. He's normally pretty easy going but I guess he's fiercely protective over his boy.

I'm currently sat downstairs listening to them enjoy bath time Ds sounds like he's emptying the bath with all his splashing

I guess it's better that dh cares than doesn't care. I can't just tell him what's happening because Ds is his child too and he's just as much a parent as I am. It's annoying but I don't get default on the decisions the only other parenting disagreement we've had is about weaning. Which interestingly I accused dh then of being over prescious!

Just make sure it's not just you sorting out the childcare when you've got work issues. If he wants to input heavily into decisions he has to input heavily into the faff that goes with it.

Goodness me, what on earth will he do when he goes to school?

@pigeondujour you've been awesome this evening, by the way, thank you for helping me organise my thoughts. He's pretty good at doing stuff. When he was insisting on things to do with weaning I told him to deal with it himself if he was going to be particular. He bought and cooked loads of stuff for him for the freezer. If I tell him to sort the childcare he'd find a way.

Good point frogs! I have no idea. He doesn't think much of schools. He's dyslexic and a teacher used to lock him in the classroom over lunchtimes to get him to work. He always worked but just struggled. He's only 30 so it's not like he's ancient and you'd expect it from a teacher! His parents eventually took him out of school. First sign of problems and he'll probably want Ds home.schooled!

No problem! Aw, he'll be all right. We all get anxious over mad stuff sometimes. He'll probably bore himself out of it eventually.

And then the next one will come along let's hope this one isn't poorly too!

Thankfully we've been so busy lately that he's not mollycoddled me as much this time! But then thankfully this time I'm not suffering from crippling nausea and sickness and low blood pressure